to think that keeping other people happy is more important and making yourself happy?

[ApricotSkies]

Nothing 'wrong' with my marriage, on paper. Two lovely young DC, nice house, we both have jobs that are unchallenging and pay okay. DP loves me, no abuse, no affairs. But I die inside a little every day at the thought of staying in this relationship.

Obviously the stock response is that you have to make yourself happy, you only have one life etc. But I am only one person. I can carry on making DP, DCx2, families x2 happy at the expense of my life, or I can blow all of their worlds apart. Why not just sacrifice myself to make all those other people happy?

Or,put another way, how could leaving make me happy knowing that hurt it would cause?

(I know the other stock answer is 'you can't keep others happy if you're not happy yourself', but I'm a fairly good actor - or at least, no one seems to have noticed for the last few years... )

Yeah, I don't mean chucking it all in for some crazy hobby. Am just picking up on the unchallenging, cruise control aspect, which isn't right for early thirties stretching out till retirement. If OP works full-time, that's a massive portion of life that's unfulfilling. There must be ways to take things to the next level, either within this career path or via (re?)training. Or if it's not work, then maybe the crazy hobby comes in beyond work. I guess what I'm saying is that the first step is for OP to work on what makes him happy, without making his fulfilment dependent on another. We all know where the 'craving human contact' path can lead for someone in those days where young DC leave partners exhausted... and with a clear head, there is really no reason to think that that path will lead to greater happiness. Keep talking to your partner, get counselling if necessary, see a GP re depression, work on yourself, your career, anything before even thinking about throwing it all in.

My impression OP is that it's not the job, I think your relationship needs to have some 'maintenance'.

It sounds as though over the years you things have got a little bit (for want of a better word) stale.

A few questions spring to mind:
Are you a tactile/affectionate/talkative couple?
Are you able to arrange regular time alone to just relax with your DP? Or...are there any unresolved issues that need discussing?

Sigh you

I think if you go even more specific it could help you to see things more clearly.

You say you want to feel loved. What would make you feel as if you were loved? Is there something specific that your dw could do? That you could do that would make you feel closer to your dw? Would it help if you planned time together? What did the good times look like, what is it you are missing? Where do you see yourselves as a couple in 10 years time, when your dc need you less.

About your job. Do you think you are the kind of person who finds fulfillment in their job or is there something else outside work that could fill a gap. A hobby, an interest, anything? I appreciate that it may be difficult to jack in your job and retrain at the moment, but is there anything else you could be doing in the meantime: any preparation towards a career change, any part time course?

I honestly don't think that all those people around you will be genuinely happy if you are living some sort of lie. And if they find out you are living a lie they'll be more devestated than if you speak up earlier about being unhappy.

On the other hand... I do think that people turn away from their families and relationships when actually that's not the problem. Too many people look for the answe to everything in their romantic relationship.

If your problem is your life in general, then the sensible thing to do is talk to your dp about this and find out if she is living her 'perfect' life and if not, what would she change? What would you change? Families don't have to be trapped, particularly ones like yours which are not on the poverty line... You can change anything - jobs, career, house, country you live in, how you spend your spare time, hobbies....

Why not invest in some sort of life coaching course to try to identify what it is that you would like in your life that isn't there now?

How old are your dc? Sometimes parents get bogged down in parenting and responsibility, and forget that they are also a couple with a relationship that predates parenthood. Does your couple-ness need refreshing? Do you need to rediscover each other, and the pleasure you once found in each other? Not necessarily sexual: companionship, friendship, doing things together that we're just for the two of you, being silly and irresponsible together. You can't turn the clock back 10years, but you can rediscover the fun you had when you thought only of yourselves.

It is possible that hour dp feels in the same rut as you.

If you don't feel ready to explore a career change, what about trying a completely new hobby? Take up triathlon, learn to sail, commit to a term of learning something new, do something you've been drawn to or curious about in the past, but never got around to doing.

Most people don't recognise depression when it first begins to stalk them. It does distort your world-view and how you perceive yourself. The GP will give you a handful if A4 questionnaires to answer, which give an indication of whether you are clinically depressed. It is unthreatening and non-judgemental.

Great idea about life coaching, if you can track down a good one. I found myself a mentor when I was in the doldrums and it was a huge step towards making me feel more 'plugged in' to life, instead of feeling cut off in motherhood/suburbia and kind of numbed. Taking that step made a difference in me and that in turn improved my relationship with DH. It's rarely about drastic change. Smaller changes can have positive ripples.

I mIghtfield be reading between the lines here but this doesn't sound like a lifestyle /career problem.

It sounds to me as though the concern is intimacy and I wouldn't be surprised to hear from the OP that the concerns were sexual as well as emotional and physical.

I might be...

Sorry, phone.

If this is the case have you considered couples counselling?

The things about love that you say you want can be achieved by doing things other than leaving your marriage.

It sounds to me like you are thinking the grass could be greener with another man, but the truth is that it probably won't be. No one else will love your children the way you and your DH do, and I'd guess that your children's happiness is fundamental to your own.

You need to find something to do that you are passionate about, away from home and away from work if a career change isn't an option.

You say your DH loves you, so he must show that he does somehow, even if its not in your ideal, romantic way. But the ways that he does show it in are as important as the affection etc.

BrokenSunglasses the OP is male.

I was trying not to assume that just because we'd found out it was a man. When I assumed the OP was a woman, it didn't occur to me iykwim. You may well be right, but then I'd also hope that that wasn't 'all' it was.

Yes especially if it is your children's happiness that is more important .

pinkI'm a trained couples counsellor and it occurred to me fairly quickly. It certainly doesn't come over as exclusively a sexual concern but if intimacy and self worth in terms of affection are concerned I imagine it will be in the picture somewhere.

Oh, didn't notice! But switch the genders I wrote and the point is still the same.

A life coach might be a good idea. I've always struggled to know what I really want to do in life. Hobbies, for example - I'll do something, get reasonably good at it, then think "well, I can do that now. But so what, it's not actually important - what am I really achieving?" and drop it.

It's also hard for me to know which of the things in my life are actually problematic for me, and which would be okay if everything else is ok. I assume everyone else is like that but maybe it's just a problem I have...

Is sexual intimacy an issue? Not really. Well, only in the sense that it stems from a lack of general emotional intimacy. Put it this way, if I was in a relationship that had everything except the physical act of sex (at all), I could probably be okay with that (I mean, it wouldn't be ideal, but I don't think it would be a deal-breaker in itself). Or put another way, there is no way I would ever seek physical 'attention' outside a committed relationship. Yes, I have a drive and yes I really enjoy it. And yes tbh there are concerns I have about that aspect of our relationship, but not because I have a criteria that I 'need' this or that x times a week, but because it is another item (and not the biggest one at all) to throw into the pot of doubt about whether we are connecting properly.

BrokenSunglasses very true about the DC and we do both love them and want the best for them with intense devotion. Though I have been challenging myself recently with the old MN tenet that you don't stay together just for the children. Once you reassess that aspect you can introduce a fragility that wasn't there before.