To think I really REALLY shouldn't have to be DM's only support...

[HumptyDumptyBumpty]

Okay, I'll try and be brief. DM lost her father about 4 weeks ago. Her father was a total, unadulterated cunt. He treated her, and her brothers, like shit, was deeply unpleasant to his wife (poor woman, died years ago, probably to escape him), emotionally abused DM & her brothers, sexually abused me when we spent some months living with them. I wouldn't be entirely surprised to hear that he'd done the same to DM, but she hotly denies it.

He was disliked by everyone (hated by me, for obvious reasons), had no friends, and DM was the only person who visited him regularly. As he became sicker (vascular dementia and prostate cancer: GOOD) she became his carer, although she didn't move in with him, thank god. She did everything for him, for no thanks or praise - quite the opposite; to his dying word he criticised and belittled her, the fucker.

Since his death, she has been very very unhappy. She cries constantly, and claims to be devastated by his death. I cannot for the life of me understand why. He was a waste of human flesh and deserved to die slowly and in pain as he did, and now is finally out of her hair, and she is free. There is now a space in the world for a worthwhile human being.

She is very needy anyway, and now calls me daily to cry about him or to complain about how the probate arrangements are going (one of the side-effects of his abuse of his children is that they are all now awful to one another and deeply distrustful). I am RAGING inside and I want to tell her:
a) BE GLAD he is finally fucking dead
b) if you are honestly grieving, which it does seem that you are (), DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT HIM, FFS. He sexually abused me and destroyed my self-esteem and trust in men for many, many years (I'm much more level about some of it now, after years of therapy).

AIBU to think she should turn to someone else? Everytime she calls me and puts on her 'poor little sad me' voice I freeze up and get off the phone as quickly as possible.
She has told me this makes me very very selfish, and hopes that my child (I am 20wks pg) will not be so selfish towards me. I think my anger and wish to disengage from the subject is natural and I'm entitled to protect myself.

Fuck, this is long, sorry. If you're awake still (well done), AIBU?

nO yanbu. yOU have obviously come to terms with a lot and your DM hasn't. She is clearly massively in denial and as much as she needs support for her grief (and i say grief in the broadest sense as this grief could be grief for a loving and decent father and grief for a happy childhood and grief for her own inability to confront her hurt) you are not the person she should be turning to.

One way or another you need to find a way to gently and kindly say 'I can't actually deal with this' 'My experience of your father was completely diffferent to yours, there from I am not the person to turn to' I can though, offer you xyz. (perhaps some practical help or nice times together.

Probably easier said than done. I hope you can work it out.

Yanbu. Parents should not rely on their grown up children for support. They should go first to siblings, friends and peers.

So sorry for you both, what a horrible person to have had in your life. I agree with sellbydate, she's in denial and grieving.

YANBU at all, but you need to be clear why you shouldn't be her support and point her in the direction of someone who can help (maybe recommend the therapist you used?).

Really hope things improve in both your lives.

Ps: please don't listen to her comments about you being selfish, by knowing how to set up appropriate boundaries and staying so strong in the face of adversity you'll be setting your new child an amazing example (I'm afraid your mum obviously didn't have such a good parenting role model...).

KatOD thank you! What a lovely thing to say. I so hope I can set my child a good example.

Thank you all for making me feel much less guilty. I am going to call her tomorrow and explain my boundaries for the millionth time.

Not as an extreme case as your family situation but my GM absolutely loathed my DM (a girl you see, she only liked boys, and her sainted dead girls). Really made my Dms life a misery.

In all honesty with you, when the old cow died it was the start of DMs decline and she died a few years later.

So you may hate your GF but he was your DMs father, for all his faults. Projecting your vitriol is doing your DM no good whatsoever, she still needs to grieve and you are not helping the process.

I agree with what sellbydate said:
this grief could be grief for a loving and decent father and grief for a happy childhood and grief for her own inability to confront her hurt

He also robbed her of proper relationships with her siblings. It sounds like she has no one to turn to.

However all that said, YES you do need to protect yourself. I can recommend Cruse, they were very good to me and I am sure could help your mum.

I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through.

My father was a shit to me. Not anything near the degree of what you describe, but he wasn't nice. I had no real relationship with him in his final years, but I still grieved for him when he died (a few years ago). For me, I think it was the loss of what could've or should've been.

I don't mention this to make you feel bad (and I certainly hope it doesn't) but I know for outsiders it was very odd to see me so upset about the loss of someone who really wasn't good to me. It may be that my reaction is similar to that of your mum.

I certainly don't blame you for not wanting to discuss this with your mum.

I think that's an excellent point some of you have made, that she's grieving for what she never had (a nice childhood, a loving father, a normal relationship).

It helps a little to remember that.

But I still don't want to listen to hours of crying about how much she misses him/how the hospital 'murdered' him ()/how now she's really alone. I think (hopefully!) I can say to her that I understand her grief a little better, but that I'm still not able to be her one and only support mechanism.

You lot are fab. I'm always scared of AIBU and you've all been lovely. Thank you and all round

The comment about her being really alone now struck a chord with me as both my DF and my FIL expressed this when their last parent died - they both said that they were orphans now and that felt different. Perhaps this is something that your DM feels as now both her parents have gone. It might also be why parent/child relationships are high on her radar - hers with him, hers with you and you with your DC (congrats BTW).

I would also agree with the others, she may well be grieving for the life that she could have had, perhaps also that he never changed and now never will. Perhaps she was hoping that as he became older (perhaps also by her being his carer?) he would become a nicer father but that opportunity died with him.

You, however, aren't being selfish. I can see why she thinks you are, she is in need and has few people to turn to. But you had a different view of him and have an understandable need to not engage in her upset. Cruse would be an excellent starting point for her as recommended by GladBagsGold. One of my friends used to be a counsellor for them and I was always impressed by their work.

iamadoozermum that's really useful to know, thank you. I'll try to keep that in mind when I speak to her. I'm definitely going to recommend Cruse to her. Much appreciated, thank you!

Thank you all for making me feel much less guilty. I am going to call her tomorrow and explain my boundaries for the millionth time.

Yanbu

If she isn't listening when you phone her - could you write it down for her.

Sometimes putting things in black and white makes people think about it more rather than when you talk instantly dismissing what you say or worrying about what they are going to say next.

Perhaps she is grieving for the father she never had if that makes sense. Maybe she was hoping that one day he would turn around and tell her he was proud of her or that he was sorry but never did and this is what makes her sad.