To think dp should have done more today...

[Whattodowithaminute]

Some background... We have 23 mo and 4 mo Ds, dp works reasonable hours often home for bath time. Ds1 quite full on physically with a tendency to hit bite and pinch, ds2 ebf, generally quite amiable who sleeps well at night normally but badly during the day, 3x20 min naps not uncommon. Very lucky with childcare for ds1, he's at a nursery he loves 4 days a week, it's attached to my work and doesn't cost us anything for him to be there whilst I'm on mat leave, have additional mothers help on the day he's off so I can spend quality time with ds1 whilst ds2 safely looked after and dp can do corporate dinners etc which are a requirement of his job. Have a cleaner too so really day to day we have a great setup, we have little/no family support.

Roll forward this weekend, away at fil for weekend, both Ds unwell with high temps generally irritable. Normally myself and dp are in the same room at night with ds2 and generally dp sleeps through any night wakings/feeds. Last night agreed to sleep separately so dp could get more sleep, I'd deal with children throughout night and then he'd be well rested to provide any additional support required today... I was up with both children from about 3am last night having been up with ds2 twice before I went to bed... Today I have had a child, sometimes 2 to feed, settle, comfort throughout the whole day except during my shower this morning and 10 mins this afternoon, have not had an offer of a rest, sleep to catch up (like dp had yesterday) or anything, whenever Ds cry, get irritable they get handed back to me. Fil took ds1 to feed ducks this evening during which time I looked after ds2 whilst dp lay on sofa.

Dp is an under confident parent, perfectly capable however, but will tend to default to me when in around, I can name the times he has looked after ds1 since his birth, these are when I've been unwell and attended a funeral, he's never had both children.

Whenever we try and discuss this he will become incredibly defensive and having a discussion is impossible as he feels that I'm attacking him, however I can't make any comment without him getting defensive. This evening he told me to go away (not so politely) and I've headed to bed having apologised to fil re not staying for dinner. He's since been up to see me called me childish and said he's looking forward to returning the favour of going to bed early when we see me parents next month, he's said I'm embarrassing and should tell him when I want some rest.

Aibu thinking I shouldn't need to ask and he should step up to looking after and initiating sometimes? Any ideas how to reach a point where we can have a discussion without him being so defensive?

Sorry so long, am cross, up feeding baby and getting him back to sleep again already, could be a long night...

I'm sure you're right, I think one of my frustrations is probably that he feels he can buy off his responsibilities as a father though iyswim? Yes I have help but I still don't get away from the children, see my non parent friends or have a social life. All of which he has and then I still do it all at weekends and evenings... Interestingly I'm happy not to have the extra help, I feel we should accept our responsibilities as parents and split the workload in a manageable (not 50:50) way.

Not helpful TSC. She's been up since 3am, is tired (and has told us and him that she's tired) and this weekend the help was supposed to be her DP.

OP - I think you need a full and frank discussion with DP (not now - when you're both rested and have time to talk properly). He needs to know that you need help and you need to be able to trust him to give it.

Does he do anything with DS1? The breakthrough with my DH came when he took DS out on his bike seat for an afternoon. They had a lovely time picking raspberries and eating icecreams, DH gained confidence and they now regularly go off for 'boy time'. I'm not suggesting biking necessarily, but something like that. Surely any parent can take a toddler off to softplay or a park farm on their own?

I can understand him feeling useless with DS2 as you are ebf and there isn't a huge amount he can to do settle the baby.

But, it sounds like he is the same with your older son which I think is terrible. I have no idea how to make him want to spend 1 on 1 time with him. He needs to want to do it himself rather than you forcing him.

My DH has always taken our eldest (3) swimming once a week and then to visit a few of his mates at their house or a park. He does it to have a special time with DC1 and then to catch up with old friends. Do any of his friends have similar aged kids?

It's ridiculous he is leaving you to deal with 2 of them alone when they are poorly.

I think it's sad that he's getting defensive. Maybe he wasn't that close to his parents growing up ? It sounds like he's clocked out of family life to be honest or has no idea what he should be doing.

I agree with those that said you need to be explicit about needing time to yourself. I went nuts once when DH said he was going out for a run on a Sat morning. He said 'I'll just be gone for a couple of hours', to which I replied 'when was the last time I had 2 hours to myself with no kids?'. I had worked out it was 3 weeks ago. He didn't go running...these days I just say 'you have to take both the kids on Saturday am /for most of the day as I'm going nuts.' he normally does it.

I would book a hair appt at the weekend, leave ebf in a bottle in the fridge and just go out and leave them all. If he can't deal with that well I'm afraid yes it's a problem.

atruth he does things with ds1 when he has to, normally when I'm so run down I'm sick... He doesn't drive so this is cited as a reason not to take to soft play etc, we live between a lot of parks though so kicking a ball around shouldn't be a problem, he thinks we should all enjoy it as family time though and do it together!

euphemia you are right I do need to be more explicit, the other day he said 'but you've never told me you want anytime away from the children' when I'd told him he should be doing more independently with them and taking initiative.

tsc yes I think the ebf thing makes it worse, I've tried expressing to allow one bottle of ebm a day to give me a little more freedom (and him more confidence) but ds2 is v reluctant, I think we need to do it more to get him used to it, dp doesn't like doing it as its hard... Our evenings tend to be feed and to bed at 7 then again at 8 ( I think ds2 so tired by 7 pm due to poor day sleep he needs the 8 feed) to meet anyone out I wouldn't get there until 9, normally going to bed at 9:30 as often ds2 up at 3ish and 5 and ds1 is a chronic early riser so p anytime from 5 (sometimes earlier) we don't go in to ds1 until about 6:30 but I struggle to get back to sleep when he's up.

I agree that you need to be more explicit with him. I also ebfed and ended up desperate for 'me' time. I think you need to tell him that sometimes the park (with both children) is his job and that they need to be out for at least an hour so that you can mooch around on your own. Feed ds2 just before they leave but get dh to do everything else - bag, buggy, snacks, toys etc.

If that fails, ask him how he isn't embarrassed that he can't look after his own children.

Hi
Understand that you are tired but why didn't you just say to him you wanted to go for a nap in the afternoon?

Strange how often 'underconfident parent' = 'dad who has a million and one excuses why he can't do his share'

It is poor that he doesn't step up without being explicitly asked, OP, but since he doesn't, you have to tell him. Say you are going to have some me time and he will need to take both kids out for 3 hours. If he can handle corporate dinners etc, then 'it's so hard' shouldn't used as a reason for not feeding/taking his kids out - he is perfectly capable, he's just saying this knowing it will get you to step in!

As for not being able to drive, plenty of people go to soft play on the bus. There's no reason why he can't do that. Or is a bus journey with a child also beyond a man with a successful career?

mumofweeboys with hindsight completely agree... Think we just get into a really poor communication cycle, last night I felt we had agreed if rubbish night then = increased help, so I've raised my expectations, he doesn't raise game, I get a bit peeved, don't really talk just get on with childcare etc, he doesn't want to talk to me as I'm a bit pissy, get to end of day, knackered and say I wanted more... He can't turn back clock, gets defensive as recognises he could have done more....

snazzy couldn't agree more, he's perfectly capable of utilising public transport Monday-Friday, weekends however he'd prefer to watch the horse racing...

Right need to schedule some me time, we are off on hols with his family next week so should be a good opportunity for him to take them both for the odd hour or so. Now what shall I do? Book, more MN, eyebrows...?

Sleep? Read paper? Manicure?

Now that you've recognised the problem (first paragraph of your last post) can you stop the cycle? Before you go on holiday, tell dh your expectations and discuss how you're going to ensure you both get downtime as well as family time. Good luck

In my case DH didn't really bond with DD until we got her to take a bottle of ebm from him, and after that he became a very hands on dad. It is nearly impossible to comfort an ebf baby without boobs. My advice would be to really persevere with getting ds comfortable taking a bottle from your DH as the longer you leave it the harder it is. I had to buy a lot of bottles before I found one dd would accept (which was the Dr Brown brand). DH started doing the last feed before bed meaning I got to go to bed early and grab a few hours sleep. I also co-slept after night feeds on difficult nights. Not recommended I know, but you do what ever you have to and I removed duvet etc so there was no risk of smothering.

I think you have a few problems here.

Firstly he hasn't bonded with the children and isn't giving them any time.

Secondly you are not getting your husbands support so you can have extra sleep/rest when you desperately need it or just general time away from the children. Everyone needs balance.

say to your DH in the middle of the day 'I'm going to bed now, Can you believe I was awake since three?! Will you knock on my door and wake me at 2'

Or find out what nights he is in and till him ' I'm seeing sue Wednesday evening but ill express some bottles for you to use with x son'

Give him the bus timetable maybe? Say that he needs to spend weekly time alone with DH 1 so that he bonds and you have a break. Ask him to choose a time ( Sunday mornings?) when he can take DS off and do an activity. Swimming, cinema, park picnic etc.