To think that one of the most disturbing visions ever...

[MalcolmTuckersMistress]

...is that of your own mother removing the wrapping from a cucumber? It just makes me want to remove my own eyeballs.

NO BOF NO NO NO!

Blimey there are some crackers coming out here. Your own parents should never be allowed to do these kind of things!

BOF I think she really didn't realise ifyswim but I ended up in foster care a few years later, well out of it, but she didn't mean for anyone to see I think. I didn't really understand it but at the time she was young and vulnerable too in a way. But it wasn't abusive with that, I think I came in at the wrong moment but she wasn't actively exposing me.

This will out me to family at least, but about 12 years ago when I was starting to see DH we went over for Sunday lunch and Mum, who's rather Hyacinth Bucket generally, told us both about her latest translating commission - 2 chapters on spec for a UK publisher of an erotic novel.

At one point she asked me what synonyms I might use for anal penetration. I said I wouldn't. My toes are curling at the thought and I've no idea why DH stuck around...

Awwww just think DameFanny if only you had had Mumsnet at the time, you could have looked her straight in the eye and said "the only acceptable phrase is Bumsex, and then only on Fridays"

My dear mother (I'm sure innocently) keeps asking "Is he gay" about men on TV
(She's not at all homophobic but my parents are Church people)

Most recent one was Matthew Wright.

"Is he gay"? she asked.
"Not when he was spending the night with me, he wasn't" I replied.
She was

Ha ha!
When I was around I think 6 -7 yrs I found condoms in my DM room ( in the drawer) ! One Was opened and I took it to the kitchen where my DM, DF and my grandparents were sitting and I was insisting that my DD blows balloon! I was told off and sent to my room! Years later on I realised why!!! He he!

We had a very small house when I was growing up - I used to hear my parents at it ALL THE TIME. Luckily never saw it, but they used to snog in front of me (and sometimes my friends) including a fair bit of boob-groping.

Once when I was about eleven I got my own back by asking my mum during a dinner party, 'Mum, were you alright last night? I heard you making moaning noises in the night - did you stub your toe or something?' Cue much giggling from her guests. She still cringes when she remembers it.

Pom

Hahaha!

BOF - thanks for that....someone pass the brain-bleach please!

Not a vision, but when my SIL was pregnant she was moaning about getting piles, she said "you don't want to know what we were doing when we found them" errrgh!

As a teenager I used to steal my parents' condoms, I had more use for them than they did think I wanted a sibling

OP, I dread to think what I'm doing to my son's psyche then: I always cut a cucumber in half and run a knife/scissors up the wrapping from bottom to top!

Or you could

a) find KY in your mum's drawer
b) catch them at it on the couch on a Sunday afternoon
c) have your pissed Mum tell you how sex with Dad is SO AMAZING...

Sigh. But they are married 40 years and happy, I guess...

LMAO

My pleads with my parents to let me get into their bed in the mornings soon ended when one morning I was allowed but I ended up laying on the wet patch