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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think a 14 month old is not capable of winding somebody up?

42 replies

liefrou · 18/08/2013 21:06

I had my dear friend round for a visit yesterday and she was playing with my 14 month old DS. He started to get a bit tired and grouchy and started having a little tantrum, nothing major just a bit of whinging and crying that he normally does when hes tired and he needs a sleep.

After I had put him down for a nap and came back downstairs my friend commented how much of a lovely boy my DS is but that I really needed to 'get a grip of him". I asked her to explain.

Apparently DS is being naughty, hes testing my boundaries to see how much he can get away with and hes trying to wind me all the up all the time. I was a bit shocked at this and explained DS is still a baby, he cant talk yet so is expressing his frustration the only way he knows how to and certainly not being malicious.

Am I being terrible naive? Do I need to 'get a grip' of my baby?

I do tell him no when he does things he shouldnt, I want DS to know right from wrong and will tell him off when he needs when he is a little older..

I just cant imagine him sat there plotting in his babygrow thinking 'right, this will really push her buttons'

OP posts:

Amy106 · 18/08/2013 23:40

Ignore her. She has no idea what she is talking about. . Some people and their crazy advice.

Bogeyface · 19/08/2013 00:04

Did she say "you are making a rod for your own back" by any chance?!

Sounds like the crap only pedalled by elderly ladies and childless people who think that children have an adult brain in a little body.

Reminds me of something my mothers childless best friend said about a mutual friends son. He was 9 and had serious psychological issues with toileting to the point where he soiled daily. Mutual friend was trying everything she could including very expensive professional help but nothing worked. Ma's BF said "I dont understand what her problem is. I would just explain to him that his behaviour is simply not acceptable!" . Seriously. Ma laughed her head off, but BF probably still doesnt get it!

mysterymeg · 19/08/2013 06:37

My mum says I was "manipulative" from about 3 months old as a baby. I just don't think that can have been true. My pfb dd is 6 weeks now and I am determined to never let the thought that she could be crying on purpose to annoy me enter my head. I also think 14 months is v young and your friend is wrong.

ChunkyPickle · 19/08/2013 06:52

ROFL at the idea of getting any grip on a tired 14 month old (well, except the one marching them off to bed).

Tired or hungry they get entirely irrational and I'd almost be worried about any child who could be disciplined out of it at that age!

I think the childless sometimes have trouble with what a child is capable of at which ages, and how much personality a child has - and why would they have any idea - so you just have to smile and ignore.

cory · 19/08/2013 08:28

Ime the parents who end up with the worst behaved older children and teenagers are often the ones who are constantly anticipating bad behaviour and panicking at the thought of losing control. Children pick up on that kind of insecurity. You don't sound like you're going to be one of them. Just laugh and ignore.

Pixieonthemoor · 19/08/2013 08:33

Your 'dear' friend is a moron and I would be pretty pissed off that she saw fit to pass judgement on your ds like that and tell you what that judgement was. Is she usually such a self righteous know-it-all? I would be examining the friendship to be frank.

Original poster

liefrou · 19/08/2013 09:14

I am starting to wonder about the friendship tbh. We were really good friends before I had DS and we both had the same interests - nights out, weekends away etc.

She cant understand why I dont want to have DS looked after every weekend so I can go out drinking I think its just my mindset that has changed, obviously she is still in carefree, party mode which I indeed was inup until a few years ago.

Im hoping things will change when she has DC of her own (shes starting to ttc next year after her wedding)

OP posts:

Thurlow · 19/08/2013 10:11

It's difficult when friendships hit this stage. I also have a friend who has been getting rather arsey about not going out like we used to - 18m she is starting to get it, but there were times when I felt the whole friendship was getting very rocky.

Without knowing the full details, I'd say it's not worth ending a friendship over and yes, in a few years she may have DC of her own and you'll be back at a similar place together. But don't feel bad about not going out now!

Bogeyface · 19/08/2013 10:34

This is interesting, its from the childless friends POV.

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/healthy-living/the-help-desk-motherhood-has-completely-changed-my-best-friend--can-i-ever-get-her-back-8761938.html

Thurlow · 19/08/2013 10:53

That is really interesting. It's such a minefield, this area. I was out with a childless friend the other week. She takes an interest in DC, but obviously only in a limited way. But our topics of conversation are so much more limited now - I don't have the time to watch films, go to the theatre or nice restaurants any more. She asks me what I did at the weekend and I can only say "I went to the water park with DC". That's not trying to bring the DC up all the time, it's just a fact.

But yes, when your close friend who you normally go out with - drinking, theatre etc - has DC and changes, there's no reason why you shouldn't feel that as a loss too and struggle to adapt.

PollyLogos · 19/08/2013 11:11

I am quite willing to be corrected but as far as I know logical thinking doesn't kick in until about 7 years of age. So a baby/child never sits there thinking in advance, "if I do this, x will happen' or "if i do that, mum will do y"

He/she does things, notices the reaction from those around and if the reaction is fun (to baby/child) they will repeat!

Tiredness/ frustration hopefully, from a person who loves him, will bring the reaction bed/ food or whatever is needed.

FaddyPeony · 19/08/2013 11:18

Friend told me the other day about another friend's child who was a spoilt little brat and a total attention seeker - kept crying to be picked up every time the attention wasn't on him.

his age? 1 year old.

In fairness our other child free friends who were there were that she could think that but it really got me thinking about how clueless some people are before they have kids. I was clueless and judgy too but not that bad I hope!

Original poster

liefrou · 19/08/2013 12:00

Thats interesting Bogeyface thanks for posting for that. I have my tried my hardest not to become a baby bore and talk about other things apart from babies/DS but like Thurlow it says it is hard when when all I do is pretty much take DS places and my life pretty much revolves around him.

I will maybe go out for dinner this week with her and leave DS at home and try to talk about 'normal' things

OP posts:

cory · 19/08/2013 12:11

PollyLogos Mon 19-Aug-13 11:11:12
"I am quite willing to be corrected but as far as I know logical thinking doesn't kick in until about 7 years of age. So a baby/child never sits there thinking in advance, "if I do this, x will happen' or "if i do that, mum will do y""

I am sure your principle is right but age 7 seems way too high.

Many 5 and 6 yos are very good at helping out with younger siblings, soothing toddler tantrums and distracting a younger brother or sister when they seem to be getting to the fractious stage- so they can clearly anticipate behaviour. They are capable of planning a birthday treat for a parent without the help of adults, which again requires the ability to think ahead. At age 6, dd used to be able to have proper discussions about why the author made a character in a book behave in a certain way and how that was meant to make you feel. The discipline in infants schools depends on children being able to reason that "if I do this, miss X will give me a sticker/put me on Sad Face"; otherwise they couldn't get away with the relatively low staffing levels.

6yos are not babies. Even though they do occasionally regress into baby behaviour.

Goldenbear · 19/08/2013 12:37

No, you don't need to get a grip of your baby. I think she as your friend, will have to accept your lifestyle now as let's face it once you have a baby it is rare to prioritise your friend's needs over your baby's needs.

SueDoku · 19/08/2013 13:33

I think that, as you were good friends before your DS arrived, if you can hang on in there until she has a child (maybe see her less often, and as you have suggested, go out with her on your own occasionally) you will find that when she too realises what having a DC really involves, you will become closer again.... It's worth a try, as good friendships are rare

Original poster

liefrou · 19/08/2013 14:29

Thanks Goldenbear you are right she will have to come to terms with our new lifestyle and I will certainly not be prioritising her over DS, but as SueDoku says its a shame to throw the friendship away.

I think we will probably just drift along for the time being.

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