AIBU to think my mum is out of order for copying my house key behind my back?

[FamilarSting]

So I?ve locked myself out of my house twice in 5 years, once just last week.

My mum has being going on about how I must give her a copy of our key to keep at her house in case it happens again. Yes, it would be a good idea to have a spare, but I do not trust her not to let herself in and snoop around (she was a terrible and persistent snoop when I was growing up and has such destroyed a lot of trust. I do not have a lot to hide but I am quite sure she?d be snooping through my private possessions if she had a key and knew that we were away for any length of time). I haven?t told her my reasons for not wanting to give her a key but have deflected talk of getting a copy and told her I have a hidden spare in case it happens again.

Last week she looked after my children at my house and I gave her my keys so that she could go out for a walk or whatever.

Just now my mum texted me to tell me that I left my keys at her house. (Yeah I know, I really need to stop forgetting my keys!) One of my first thoughts was that I wouldn?t put it past her to take it to be copied if I didn?t rush over to get them.

Then it occurred to me; she has told me that the other day, when she watched the children, that they went for a walk to a hardware store to "try to find a plantpot, but we couldn?t find one big enough". She made sure to mention this trip, I expect, as my chatty daughter would be sure to fill me in on the outing.
This hardware shop also cuts keys etc.

Oh the horror. Would she?

Yes, I think she would.

I asked my bright 4.5 year old if, when they went to the shop the other day, did Grandma gave the man a key.
"yes" she said, "and then we waited and he gave her another key so then there were TWO keys!"

Am I being unreasonable to think that is freaking out of order?! She went completely behind my back to get a copy of my house key after I failed to give her one by choice. It could be argued that I wasn?t totally clear that I didn?t want her to have one, but I have had plenty opportunities to give her one; we have walked past Timpsons together, for example, and I told her that OH can cut keys himself ? he?s a locksmith ffs! She just took it upon herself to copy it without telling me.

Yes I am untrusting and perhaps slightly paranoid, but she was at least partly to blame for that by depriving me of privacy as a teenager and continuously reading private letters/diaries, raiding my drawers etc.

Even if I wasn?t paranoid, she shouldn?t have done that, right?!
I don?t have a healthy idea of how families are supposed to be. I know it?s normal for families to have copies of each other?s keys; I have one to my parents? house, but I don?t go snooping... and it was given to me, I didn?t sneak around behind backs to copy it.

I have read this thread and the post which sugests that the OP has a tendancy to paranoia - and doesn' have a good understanding of normal family life. Also the snooping was when she was a teenager (not saying this was acceptable) but maybe she should try to move on - after all she is happy to let the parents look after the children. Talk of changing locks and setting the alarm to catch her out are rediculous and won't benefit the long term relationship.

If the OP doesn't have a "good understanding of normal family life" the it is probably due in part to her mother's actions of prying previously.

To suggest that she is being paranoid is ridiculous as you really have no reason to suspect that the OP's mother isn't as bad as the OP suggests and the evidence that the OP's mother got her key copied without permission and without telling her afterwards as fairly strong. That is not part of "normal family life'. Why should the OP behave as if her mother was like your mother.

I have keys to my DC's houses and my friend's house.

Wouldn't dream of using them without permission.

Simple.

Sorry I wasn't meaning to make a judgement about the OP being paranoid - only basing it on what I read "Yes I am untrusting and perhaps slightly paranoid".

Speak to her

'so Mum, DD told me all about you having a key cut while you were at the hardware shop'

see what she has to say.

The snooping before was when you were a teenager, maybe she was a concerned mum who loved you and was worried, teenage relationships can be tricky.

Bully for you, taxi . OP, change the locks.

My house came with a key safe,my cleaner and parents have the code (they live in Scotland and i'm in Hampshire, so unlikely to pop in and snoop!), you could get one and put in an unobtrusive place to keep a spare key in.

While the evidence points to her getting a key cut to your house, you only know for certain that a key was cut, not where for. She could have got a spare done for her garage for all you know, and will claim that she did either way.

Thats why I think that changing the locks is the best way to go. But do set your alarm daily, if it is listed in your house insurance as part of your security measures then they may not pay out if you get burgled and the alarm wasnt set, and yes they can tell!

Also, the "emergency crap" one.......I have a key to my parents, and it hangs on a hook in the kitchen with the rest of the keys. I dont take it out with me because I dont need it and there is the risk it could be lost or stolen. No one would know where it was for, but it would be bloody inconvenient.

Who carries other peoples spares with them all the time?!

YANBU - that is a really sneaky underhanded thing to do.

Ask her for the key back?! Why go to the trouble of changing the locks. Tell her the DC told you that she'd had a key cut, and you appreciate that she was trying to help, but you need to have it.

If she refuses, THEN change the locks. No pass agg bollocks, no expense, and you get your message across without having to call her a snoopy bitch. Tell her you've lost your keys if you have to. But you'll get the key back. Then tell her you'd find it more convenient to leave the spare with a neighbour.

But Nagoo the OP doesnt know for sure that the DM did have a copy cut. She probably did, but without evidence the OP could cause a massive row over nothing. If I was the OP I would change the locks for my own peace of mind anyway and not say anything. Her husband is a locksmith so explaining it away as the latest upgrade to their home security is far more believable and if the DM mentions the locks being changed then the OP has her answer right there.

Wuldric - i find your view odd, because you'll be sad when someone dies, that means you should allow them to have unlimited access to your home while they are alive?

I'd be terribly sad if my mum was to die suddenly, that doesn't mean I'd tolerate her having a key to my house especially as she's proven to be a nosy nightmare with the key she has to DB's house

oh and bogeyface is right, by changing the locks without saying anything to her Mum, the OP 'wins' the 'no key battle' without having to have the row about the rudeness of just getting a key cut to someone else's house without their permission, the differing view of her entitlement to have a key, that by not lettig her have a key, the OP is pointing out she doesn't trust her mum (offensive to her mum even if it's completely justified) - just changing the locks could be done for a variety of reasons, the OP's DH being a locksmith could be just he thought these locks where better quality.

It's a minimum upset way to get your own way, and as your DH could do the work (and probably get the locks for cost price), minimum cost. (One of hte reasons my mum doesn't have a key is she would misuse it, then I'd have to get it back from her, which would upset her, dad would get angry I'd upset mum, they'd be drama that would end up being entirely my fault and it'd end with me apologising, probably having to buy her flowers and chocolates to make her feel better that I'd upset her, that could easily cost the price of new locks)

I'd say that the DC told me she'd got a key cut. Then she could confirm or deny. No need to row about it.

Yes, she got a key cut and tried to deflect it when going on about a too small plant pot. why would she do that if the key was for her house?

I would also get DP to fit new locks, then say nothing, but keep a spare somewhere else!!

I think adding a deadlock and changing the alarm code are both good ideas.

I would be really annoyed with the sneaky behavior. A normal boundary would be to ask if you can get a key cut and listening to the answer. I would call her and ask if you can go around to talk about it. If she had a key made and comes over, 'I didn't think you'd mind', just state that you do. Say that you don't like the idea of snooping and people being in your house without your prior knowledge and ask her not to. State that you have added a lock and changed the alarm. You are allowed to set this boundary.

I find with my own DM there is no point in getting into an argument at the time. I do make a point of having a conversation later. I just state the facts and all for xyz. I can't pretend she doesn't still try to get her own way. I can talk to her as if she is a reasonable adult.

It is very upsetting to be grieving for a parent. Not all of us have good relationships. I hope when my ds is an adult that we can talk. I definitely don't want him to feel guilted into giving into unreasonable behavior because I'm going to die one day.

I'd say that the DC told me she'd got a key cut. Then she could confirm or deny. No need to row about it.

Oh I agree, but you and I are normal people who wouldnt use underhanded tactics to gain access to another persons home and then abuse that access. The DM clearly sees that she has a right to access, but knows that the OP doesnt agree with her otherwise she wouldnt have got the key cut and then lied by omission about it. I get the feeling that there would be a fair amount of "I cant believe you dont trust me/How could you accuse me of doing such a thing/How dare you call me a liar..." if the OP said anything.

Far easier to just change the locks, especially as I said, because her DH is a locksmith so is far more believable that they are simply upgrading to better quality security.

We've all got keys to each others' houses in my family. But we were given them by the owners because we trust each other.
If we go and visit, we still ring doorbells and wait, and snooping is off-limits.
So YANBU, she is.

My parents were given spare keys yonks ago but MIL will never have a spare set - dh says she wouldn't respect our boundaries, whereas my parents were/are (just my dad now ) of anything, overly respectful of boundaries (after my mum suffered from interference from her own parents).

So, OP, YADNBU. Respect is a two way thing and it doesn't appear that your mum respects you - otherwise she would wait until you give her or not a key.

At the moment I'd suggest the low cost alternative of setting the alarm when you go out - but make sure it's not connected to a police station/call out centre. That way, she has to admit to having let herself in without permission and proves without doubt that she still hasn't learnt to respect you since your teenage years.

OH said I should just tell her that DD said she got a key cut and see how she responds, that does seem to be the sensible thing to do, but she's always very quick at coming up with excuses and stories and I'm sure she'd tell me it was for something else.
I don't feel like I can let it go, and yet I do not want to have an argument. I don't see how I can talk to her about it without it leaving an awful taste in the air.

In response to a point someone made about me being OK with letting her look after the children and leaving her with my keys then: I have only just begun to do this. She's only just been given my keys as she's been watching them over the summer while I've been taking driving lessons, before this she's only ever really had my 4 year old for an hour or so at a time and it's always been at her house. I am super untrusting about what she's going to be getting up to and not telling me about, but I think that has a lot to me being irrational untrusting. But anyway, yes, I was trying to make peace with my paranoid side and feel OK with relaxing a little and letting them enjoy being together; she is mostly a really good grandmother to my DDs and they love being with her. But now I'm back to password protecting all the computers, and putting hairs over drawers to see if she's been snooping...

We live just around the corner from them, so the times I've forgotten my keys are due to habit of just popping over without my bag as OH usually stays at home so I don't need them.
And the option of leaving a key with someone else - we've no other family around and we're not terribly friendly with any of the neighbours. But we do live in a rented house and so both times that I locked myself out I was able to get a key from the letting agent.

I'm completely torn between what I really want to do - bring it up and let her know how freaking annoyed I am, or just changing the locks so we can avoid conflict.
But then I also feel like telling her we're going away for the weekend and then hiding around the corner to wait to have my suspicions confirmed or squashed...

And yes, we'll definitely be using the alarm from now on!

Rather than have a big argument, just go ahead with changing the locks and setting the alarm. For the times when your mum will be in your house with your knowledge i.e. baby sitting, password protect your computers ( good practice to do this anyway) and make sure there are no documents/ correspondence lying around for her to nose through. I suggest a metal filing cabinet that is lockable, protective in the event of a fire and keeps everything together so you can find stuff more easily.

just a quick question - do you have a copy of her key?

put a lock on your bedroom door and keep anything you don't want her to see in there. It will drive her mad to get in the house and find she can't get in a room. I do wonder why adults especially parents want to snoop in their Dc houses though, what do they expect to find? is it just wanting to know everything that goes on or do they want to find something that might shock them? I can understand the urge to snoop with teens at home but once they are off and married or in their own home

OP you need to always take your keys when you go out, whether DH is in or not (he might have to go out) and use the alarm.

As DH is a locksmith I would say just change the lock as you can't trust your DM to be truthful if you speak to her. Leave a copy with the agent then between you, DH and the agent you should be ok.

If DM comes to babysit then she stays in or DD goes to her house.

Like you I would be extremely cross if my keys were copied without permission so YANBU.