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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my mum is out of order for copying my house key behind my back?

121 replies

FamilarSting · 18/08/2013 18:44

So I?ve locked myself out of my house twice in 5 years, once just last week.

My mum has being going on about how I must give her a copy of our key to keep at her house in case it happens again. Yes, it would be a good idea to have a spare, but I do not trust her not to let herself in and snoop around (she was a terrible and persistent snoop when I was growing up and has such destroyed a lot of trust. I do not have a lot to hide but I am quite sure she?d be snooping through my private possessions if she had a key and knew that we were away for any length of time). I haven?t told her my reasons for not wanting to give her a key but have deflected talk of getting a copy and told her I have a hidden spare in case it happens again.

Last week she looked after my children at my house and I gave her my keys so that she could go out for a walk or whatever.

Just now my mum texted me to tell me that I left my keys at her house. (Yeah I know, I really need to stop forgetting my keys!) One of my first thoughts was that I wouldn?t put it past her to take it to be copied if I didn?t rush over to get them.

Then it occurred to me; she has told me that the other day, when she watched the children, that they went for a walk to a hardware store to "try to find a plantpot, but we couldn?t find one big enough". She made sure to mention this trip, I expect, as my chatty daughter would be sure to fill me in on the outing.
This hardware shop also cuts keys etc.

Oh the horror. Would she?

Yes, I think she would.

I asked my bright 4.5 year old if, when they went to the shop the other day, did Grandma gave the man a key.
"yes" she said, "and then we waited and he gave her another key so then there were TWO keys!"

Am I being unreasonable to think that is freaking out of order?! She went completely behind my back to get a copy of my house key after I failed to give her one by choice. It could be argued that I wasn?t totally clear that I didn?t want her to have one, but I have had plenty opportunities to give her one; we have walked past Timpsons together, for example, and I told her that OH can cut keys himself ? he?s a locksmith ffs! She just took it upon herself to copy it without telling me.

Yes I am untrusting and perhaps slightly paranoid, but she was at least partly to blame for that by depriving me of privacy as a teenager and continuously reading private letters/diaries, raiding my drawers etc.

Even if I wasn?t paranoid, she shouldn?t have done that, right?!
I don?t have a healthy idea of how families are supposed to be. I know it?s normal for families to have copies of each other?s keys; I have one to my parents? house, but I don?t go snooping... and it was given to me, I didn?t sneak around behind backs to copy it.

OP posts:
fallon8 · 18/08/2013 21:57

Change the locks,pronto

elinorbellowed · 18/08/2013 22:07

Change the locks!
My MIL found emigration papers in her son's (my BIL) house when she was snooping. They didn't emigrate because they didn't have the points but she never knew the details, all she knew was that her precious boy was going to leave her and sobbed a lot to my DP. Didn't cure her of snooping though.
No-one has a set of my keys, but I have keys to my parents, 2 aunties, a cousin, my BF and our NDN. How did that happen to me?

Doubtfuldaphne · 18/08/2013 22:09

My dad did this recently and I'm livid too. He sees it as perfectly logical. I have never locked myself out and have three sets of keys already.
Because of his personality I see it as a power thing which makes me even more angry.

LovesBeingOnHoliday · 18/08/2013 22:17

It's not something she can hide for we if it was done invade your locked out. Just tell her you are then get the key.

BiscuitDunker · 18/08/2013 22:40

I'd change the locks. It should be your choice and decision over who has access to your home via a key,its not for anybody,family or otherwise,to make that decision-regardless of how "well meaning" they think they're being!

The only people with a key to my home are me,DH and my mum,but we got the key cut and gave it to her and I know my mum would never snoop and would only use it when/if me or dh asked her to for some reason,like in a case of an emergency or if we went on holiday and wanted her to pop in just to check we haven't been burgled for example,and IMO thats exactly the way it should be if someone is given the responisbility of having a spare key to somebody elses home!

CarolineKnappShappey · 18/08/2013 22:46

Set the burglar alarm Wink

WeAreEternal · 18/08/2013 22:50

I think you need to 'loose you keys' tomorrow. If she volunteers the key great you have it back. If she doesn't change the locks.

WeAreEternal · 18/08/2013 22:51

Oh and make it crystal clear to her why after the fact.

Mintyy · 18/08/2013 22:54

I completely agree with WeAreEternal.

rockybalboa · 18/08/2013 22:56

Ooh, that is v sneaky and v naughty! I would be v cross. I have a key to my parents house and vice versa but none of us would ever dream of snooping. I would be tempted to get your locksmith OH to change the locks and not tell her.

MumnGran · 18/08/2013 22:56

Cannot decide if it would be best to just start setting the alarm every single time you go out ...just for the joy of her setting it off, and then having to explain to you.
Or best to change the lock and leave her on the doorstep looking like a banana and wondering how she got it so wrong.

Your DH is a locksmith....so go with an immediate lockchange.
Totally unreasonable on your mothers part and she needs to know she has been rumbled.

lottiegarbanzo · 18/08/2013 23:07

Is there someone else you can leave a spare with? It is a good idea anyway and then you can tell her there's no need for her to have one too.

Stop being so chaotic with your keys. They are in your hand or they are in your bag, always in the same pocket. That is it, never put them down, always check you have them before leaving the house.

Changing locks is a faff, even for a locksmith and why should you have to?Using the alarm may be essential for your insurance, so do that. Pretend you've lost you key one last time in order to ask for your mums copy, on replace it, tell her you'll be using the alarm.

PenguinBear · 18/08/2013 23:09

I agree, tell her tomorrow that you've 'lost' your only set of house keys and have NO WAY to get in.

Say that you'll have to change the locks etc and hen hopefully she will produce the key! Grin

MousyMouse · 18/08/2013 23:25

yanbu
totaly unacceptable.
might even invalidate your contents insurance, so check that out as well.

mumthetaxidriver · 19/08/2013 00:08

How sad all these folks feeling so violated at the idea of a member of their own family coming into their own home. Recently my mum moved to my home town from 250 miles away and I started working nearly full time. How delighted I have been to come home to a pile of ironing or a casserole in the oven..or she has called in to take our dog out for a long walk. My teenage sons don't mind if she calls in to say helloi when I'm at work in the holidays - always happy to have a chat and let her make their lunch! But she also respects our family time at the weekendst and tends not to call in unannounced.
I do wonder about people who worry about those people who worry what their relatives might see in their houses. What's the worst - a few dishes on the draining board and a pile of washing?! Really not worth worrying about.
.

breatheslowly · 19/08/2013 00:13

Mumthetaxidriver - have you read this thread?

The OP's mother has a history of snooping on her and has had a key cut without her permission. Many people on the thread have given their DPs their keys and are lucky enough to have DPs like your DM. However the OP's case is different.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 19/08/2013 00:17

Personal items in the bedroom, personal letters/cards... I love my Mum, it doesn't mean she needs to see/read everything I own does it?

StuntGirl · 19/08/2013 00:22

How wonderful for you that your family has healthy boundaries taxi. Many people's families do not. That's why they don't like it.

Chattymummyhere · 19/08/2013 00:42

Change the lock and if you are very forgetful about your keys get a key safe thing for outside, never tell her the combination but then you always have a spare right there..

They are very good a lot of people who need to have home help have them for in case of emergencies to get in.

cleopatrasasp · 19/08/2013 01:33

I would be completely outraged at this and there is no way I would be adopting the losing the keys/changing the locks scenario as I would be furious that she had done it in the first place. Does she have a habit of invading your space and overstepping boundaries? Just tell her you that you know she had a key cut without your consent and you want it back immediately - and if she doesn't give it back she will not be welcome in your house at all.

I also had a prying, snooping mother who read any letters or diaries that me or my siblings kept or wrote. She even resorted to inspecting the contents of our bedroom bins. I would never give her a key - even if I wasn't already no-contact. My MIL, on the other hand, does have a key and would never dream of letting herself in without my knowledge - which is exactly why she is trusted with a key in the first place.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 19/08/2013 03:00

She's completely out of order. Dishonest, controlling and disrespectful.

No one is entitled to come into your house without your permission.

Change the locks, and in the interim use the alarm, don't give her the code and don't warn her in advance that you're going to be using it.

Wuldric · 19/08/2013 03:21

YABU

THis is why how to cope with death

Start appreciating your parents rather than viewing them with suspicion.

MammaTJ · 19/08/2013 03:31

So because she will die one day, she has to be allowed a key, which the OP has good reasons not to let her have? How odd.

ComtesseDeFrouFrou · 19/08/2013 06:59

Wuldric is there one for parents called "how to tear your grown up children like adults"?

I'll miss my mum when she's gone but I still don't want her letting herself in to my house uninvited so she can criticise my lack of washing up and rummage around in my personal papers looking for ammunition

LisaMed · 19/08/2013 07:12

Wuldric When my mother died my life improved a huge amount. Brutal but true. Not everyone has the same life experience.

OP - I would change the locks and not tell your mother, and start setting the alarm and not tell your mother. Good luck!

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