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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel distanced from a freind because of her wealth?

28 replies

mywealthyfriend · 18/08/2013 18:06

Long friendship but very different lives- me, 2 DCs now grown up, always worked- full time then part time - as a 'professional' but not a high earner, and DH the same. Friend, met her at work when we were both single, but she hasn't worked now for over 15 years as her DH earns a lot- possibly 7 figures. No DCs. We also live an hour apart so one of us has to make the effort and on balance it's been me.

We still have a 'connection' when we meet, but her lifestyle now I feel excludes me in albeit very trivial ways but they all add up.

eg. She can buy anything she wants for herself and her home, and does. From being a working single girl when we met she now spends her time on 'maintenance'- massages, manicures, hair, going to places with her wealthy neighbours, and she's just bought a 2nd home overseas worth more than our house.

Please, please don't think I'm jealous- yes of course that kind of money would be nice, but we are so far from ever having that, that it's not a consideration. I just feel her wealth has distanced us. eg She buys 3 handbags for £1K each, and although she doesn't flaunt them at all, I feel a bit of an idiot then saying 'oh do you like my bag- it cost £150'- and obviously she won't like to otherwise she'd have bought it herself! The same goes for clothes- relatively we aren't poor-and I can easily spend £80 on a jumper etc- which I know is way too much for lots of people . But she'll pop out and buy 3 for £150 each, and all her clothes now are top designer brands.

It's not a case of competing, but I just don't feel we are on the same planet any more. Does this make sense?

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 18/08/2013 18:21

I think stop talking about money for a start.

Do you like her? Does she add to your life? Would your world be that little emptier without her?

Tuon · 18/08/2013 18:23

Honestly, it doesn't make sense to me.

Why 'oh do you like my bag- it cost £150', why not just 'do you like my bag, I thought it was stylish'.

I have never shown a friend anything other than for an opinion and even then I would never state cost.

She's not flaunting it, where's the issue?

MissMuesli · 18/08/2013 18:25

I think that possessions aside you don't actually seem to have a problem with your friend? You also admit that he doesn't flaunt her wealth, so not quite sure where the issue is? As you say you will have a connection, it's just what you have are different. For what it's worth I could never afford a bag for £150, mine cost £6.50 from a charity shop, where as my friend from college regularly buys bags £50-£60. Apart from abit of well placed bag envy it doesn't affect our friendship at all, why should it? . I think YABU with this one.

AmandaHoldenmigroin · 18/08/2013 18:27

of course it is natural for you to feel this way. I have a very wealthy friend who fortunately is down to earth. all her clothes and bags are now expensive designer - because they can afford it - but she still likes shopping with me and tells me whether my 50 pound bag is nice. It was sometimes a bit sad shopping together when I had just had a child and no money and could not get anything. I have had to separate myself from the equation because at the end of the day, she is the same person and don't I want my friend to have as much as life gives her? Yes.

KissMeHardy · 18/08/2013 18:30

It's all relative, really. If you, OP, had said to me...."Do you like my bag, it cost £150" I would say to you that £150 was a whole week's pension for me. But I wouldn't worry about it - a friend is a friend is a friend.

You obviously feel differently.

DidoTheDodo · 18/08/2013 18:30

I think I know where you are coming from.

I have a rich, semi-retired sister and I don't begrudge her her money at all, (married into a family business) it does mean that our lives are very different indeed and makes it harder to find any sort of everyday connection between us. She is probably just as bemused with my tales of elderly cars and lengthy daily commutes as I am with her lifestyle.

Money can just put us in different places on the planet, so I say YANBU.

daisychain01 · 18/08/2013 18:30

Sorry to say it like it is... You seem to know an awful lot of detail about her finances and mention very little about why you are still friends. If that is all there is to your relationship, I would let it go. Sounds too one dimensional to be giving you much happiness. Meanwhile your friend is enjoying her lifestyle probably oblivious to your concerns ....

ThisWayForCrazy · 18/08/2013 18:32

I think YOU have let money become an issue, unless she's being nasty to you about not being so well off? It's not mentioned in your OP so I will assume not. You should just forget about the money and concentrate on being friends.

NaiceHamIsNaice · 18/08/2013 18:33

I wouldn't even ask a friend if they liked my bag, never mind tell them what it cost!
I don't need the approval and even if it's not asking for approval, I think some of my friends would see it as such. (Plus it's a boring conversation.)
Similarly I never tell them what my clothes cost. I might ask where something they're wearing is from, but that's about it.
And how do you know what her house is worth? Why does the price even come up in conversation?

OTOH I think people do grow apart when they have very different circumstances. We all walk around in our own little bubbles of reality and don't deal well, generally, with difference.

Pagwatch · 18/08/2013 18:36

Why do you think you shoud tell her hw much your handbag cost?
And why do you think she would not like it or she would have bought it? Do you think she literally buys everything she sees that she likes?

I think you are seeing your relationships entirely in terms of money and that seems odd.

I don't know how much any of my friends handbags cost. And if they cost £30 or £3000 is irrelevant.

I think you are creating an issue.

EstelleGetty · 18/08/2013 18:45

I think you just have to take a deep breath, look at the situation from the outside and don't bring money into it. BIL and family are very well off. When I've been skint, yes, I've been a bit aghast that SIL can pop into The White Company and spend hundreds on stuff nobody needs, but SIL is also the most, generous, supportive woman and knows full well she is fortunate financially.

There's no way I could afford a £150 handbag. But I won't judge someone else for buying one. If you really like her, and she's a considerate, fun friend, you need to let go of this money issue. I'm not one for ye olde British manners, but bringing up money is a bit tacky and a surefire way to ruin a friendship.

Feminine · 18/08/2013 18:49

Anyway...£150 is a lot for a bag too!

I do understand though op I think like you are sometimes...

deepfriedsage · 18/08/2013 18:54

I imagine its difficult if you have a friend who wants to do activities with you out of your pricerange. I can't understand what the problem is, sorry can oyou explain further? Does she say oh look at my new LV bag, it cost a thousand pounds or what do you think of my new Channel jacket? Or do you notice she has a new bag and note the brand then google how much it cost?

I think designer gear is over rated, my designer bag handle broke after six uses. I expected more from it.

Maryz · 18/08/2013 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maddening · 18/08/2013 18:59

It's your perception of her and her money vs yours that is distancing you - it is you who is dwelling.

mamateur · 18/08/2013 19:19

This makes me nervous because recently (and after many lean years) we have a lot more money than we used to - and much more than most of our friends. We are not flashy types but there are things we've bought, and people ask questions. Like, how big is the mortgage on that, or how much did you pay for x or y. I'm torn between being coy (not my style) or telling them and feeling like I'm boasting or saying I'd rather not share the details - which I don't want to say.

I think it's rude to ask about money.

pianodoodle · 18/08/2013 19:48

I think this is more about your comparisons than hers. Does she boast? Has money changed her personality? The only things about her I can tell from the OP is she has more money. That in itself isn't a reason to feel distanced unless she is making you feel like that by drawing attention to the differences you have.

Does she say things like "this cost x" or "I can easily afford x"? Or do you just happen to know what the things she buys cost?

I get the impression from the OP that you would be the person to mention how much you spent or could afford on something.

TBH if I could easily afford to spend £80 on a jumper and had no money worries, I'd concern myself with other things rather than the fact that a friend had more.

cushtie335 · 18/08/2013 19:49

£150 for a bag? If you were my friend OP, I would think you were minted. It's all relative isn't it?

GrendelsMum · 18/08/2013 19:53

FWIW, my DH and I have an income which is a lot larger than a particular close friend's income. It doesn't mean I like this friend any the less, or enjoy chatting with her occasionally about things we're thinking of buying. We both bought a similar thing recently, where I was lucky enough to buy a really expensive one and she bought a cracking good value one off the Internet. I think we are both genuinely pleased with what each other got for our budget.

usualsuspect · 18/08/2013 19:57

Inverse snobbery is not the worst kind of snobbery imo.

Anyway OP, it sounds like you are the one with the problem,unless she flaunts her wealth.

If she does,then I would drop her.

Scruffey · 18/08/2013 20:05

Op you need to put it aside. She isn't flaunting her bags - you said so yourself! I don't get why she wouldn't like your £150 bag - she presumably has not seen every bag on the planet and taken her pick of them - she's seen her £1k bags, liked them and bought them. She probably would like your £150 bag. She might even like my £15 bag Grin. You seem jealous but it seems to be subconscious because you don't think you are jealous. I know someone who drives this beautiful and very expensive car. She is really nice - I would like her car but settle for a ride in it! It would be terrible to drop a friend just because she got richer than you.

Scruffey · 18/08/2013 20:06

Yes, putting aside the fact that spending £150 on a bag and £80 on a jumper makes you "affluent" yourself!

FetaCheeny · 18/08/2013 20:11

I don't think you are being unreasonable. If I had a friend that spent 1k on handbags I would feel like we were on a different planet as well.

DontmindifIdo · 18/08/2013 20:14

TBH - her lack of DCs when you have them is probably creating more differences in your lives than otherwise. one of my NCT group is married to a man who's easily on 7 figures. they are super wealthy yet having DCs the same age has given us a clear connection. I have friends with similar incomes to ours, but because they do'nt have DCs, they have such different priorities and issues in their lives.

usualsuspect · 18/08/2013 20:18

I do know where you are coming though. If she spends a lot of time with very wealthy friends,your lives must be very different now.