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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

PILs/SIL and DP's birthday. AIBU?

25 replies

Somethingtothinkabout · 18/08/2013 16:21

So it was DP's birthday. His parents, who live an hour away, hadn't mentioned anything about doing anything for his birthday (eg coming to see him or us going out for dinner etc) and DP was feeling a bit down about it (there's a bit of an undercurrent at the minute of him being ignored in favour of his sister) so we decided to invite his Mum and Dad round for dinner and we would cook for them, they accepted, all good. We don't do dinner party type affairs often (we're not great cooks yet)so we were quite looking forward to it.

We were cooking paella so went and bought all the ingredients, pulled out the dining table so all 4 seats could be used (small flat), set it all up nicely and started cooking.

Doorbell goes and in comes his Mum, Dad and sister. There was no mention of his sister coming, either when we invited them or them maybe giving us a heads up that they were bringing her, first we knew is her arriving in our door with a face on her.

I was really annoyed, obviously said hello and was pleasant etc but when DP and I went into the kitchen to finish cooking I got myself in a bit of a flap that our evening was a bit ruined. We only have 4 seats at the table, now there were 5 of us. We have no spare chairs. Only had 4 nice wine glasses and 4 nice bowls in the set. And we'd only really bought enough ingredients for 4. DP just said it didn't matter, we'd just eat on our laps on the sofa and someone could have a shit bowl, which yes, we could, but it wasn't what I'd planned for the evening. But ah well, I got over it.

Next thing his sister comes in and says she tired as she was out on a night out last night so can she go and have a sleep in our bed? DP looks taken aback and goes in to our room to give it a quick tidy and then I follow him in in a kind of "WTF!?" way, saying I'd rather she didn't sleep in our bed when we've not had the opportunity to change the sheets etc and that's a bit weird, no? So he says to her she can just sleep on the sofa and we finish making dinner. Which she does, beside MIL and FIL, who seem totally nonplussed by this.

We then dish up dinner and take it through to eat off our laps and then SIL takes a bowl, looks at it, turns her nose up and says "no offense, I mean it looks lovely and all, but I'm not hungry", picks out some of the meat and then pushes it away. DP takes it once he's finished his and finishes it.

About 20 minutes after dinner, FIL says "right, we best go and get this one (SIL) home" and they leave.

SIL is 23 if that makes a difference.

They didn't get DP a birthday present either.

AIBU or is this all a bit weird?

I probably overreacted to not being able to have a nice sit up meal (though not in front of anyone other than DP obviously) but I was just so disappointed that I'd tried to cook a nice dinner for them for the first time and it was all ruined.

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CaptainCapybara · 18/08/2013 16:25

YANBU I think they are very rude to bring along an extra guest who is expecting to be fed and not mention it to you beforehand. I also think it is weird not to get your own son a present (or card?) on his birthday, did they even offer to bring a contribution to the meal like dessert or some wine?

trinity0097 · 18/08/2013 16:25

All your visitors very unreasonable! You don't bring uninvited people round for dinner, if it were for tea and cake in the afternoon or something that might be a bit different, but no way, especially knowing you have a small flat!

5madthings · 18/08/2013 16:26

Yanbu how very rude of them!

Somethingtothinkabout · 18/08/2013 16:30

Well with the present they had mentioned getting him a painting from some website, but he didn't see any he liked, so he only got a card with a sort of vague mention of getting him one in the future if he finds one he likes will never happen

I'm glad you think this is weird. I told my Mum who was shocked but this would be one of the tops things on her list of Things You Do Not Do. (especially sleeping in someone else's bed, though I know that happens in other homes) so I thought my mum's views were influencing my take on it.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 18/08/2013 16:32

I bet she was on the coke/E last night. Needed a nap, rude, no appetite.

digerd · 18/08/2013 16:34

SIL sounds like a spoiled brat. She and PIL were rude/inconsiderate to not ASK if SIL could come too. It doesn't sound as if she even wanted to be there. I assume she still lives with her parents and they thought she should come to her DB's birthday party.
They were being very unreasonable. I am sorry it ruined your day.

ChasedByBees · 18/08/2013 16:36

Really really rude.

phantomnamechanger · 18/08/2013 16:39

does she live with them? in which case I can see how the invitation might be assumed to include her. The rudeness about the food is not on, and the request to go for a lie down on you bed totally bizarre.

Patilla · 18/08/2013 16:39

Oh my goodness.

She is acting like a spoiled toddler and being indulged by her parents.

You have my sympathies

bluesbaby · 18/08/2013 16:46

Tbh it's a little rude to not invite the sister, considering she lives with your in laws and presumably would want to see her brother on his birthday. Although she acted like a brat, she's still immediate family.

You should have been clearer when you invited his parents, would've saved any confusion. It was inconsiderate of them to just turn with her, I agree, but if it was me I'd invite the sister and then she can decide in advance if she wants to join you all, rather than be dragged out.

Lack of chairs and plates aside, is there any particular reason you wanted to leave her out? Do you not get on?

Somethingtothinkabout · 18/08/2013 16:48

SIL had a health scare a year ago which needed an op but luckily has been fine since, so sometimes DP thinks that this has made them even more blind to her behaviour. Although when DP was very, very ill when he was in his early twenties, he would never have got away with this (nor would he have done it in the first place of course). But he sort of feels like he can't say anything to them about her.

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Somethingtothinkabout · 18/08/2013 16:55

Bluesbaby, no reason not to, we've never specified who was invited or not before when they've come round to have cups of tea/cakes etc, but she's only come once in all that time (when we first moved in and she wanted to see the flat) so I guess we partly didn't even think she'd want to come as she never does.

DP did say when talking to his Mum on the phone "Do you and Dad want to come round for dinner on Sunday" though, but I guess they might have assumed we meant everyone.

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ChippingInHopHopHop · 18/08/2013 16:56

If she lives with them I'm not at all surprised she came as well... I would have expected her to.

I have a 23 year old living with me at the moment, she rarely goes out, doesn't do much at all and sleeps all the time (a whole other thread that one though! LOL), so her asking to have a sleep on your bed doesn't surprise me - and actually wouldn't have bothered me either. Depending on who it was, I'd have just changed the sheets when she left. Her choice to sleep in them or on top of the bed.

However, it sounds like it was more of a 'straw that broke the camels back' situation and probably not unreasonable that you are pissed off with them!

soverylucky · 18/08/2013 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 18/08/2013 17:18

They sound very odd. YANBU!

Doha · 18/08/2013 17:23

Was nothind said when IL's saw the table etc set for 4 and not 5?

Somethingtothinkabout · 18/08/2013 17:29

Nope, nothing was said. Don't know if they didn't notice the table, didn't care, or did notice but were too embarrassed to say anything.

It was them who gave us the dining table and chairs though when we bought our flat (friend of theirs was given it but didn't want it, so they took it for us, it's perfect for us) so they do know there are only 4 seats.

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firesidechat · 18/08/2013 18:43

My daughter is the same age as your sil and I would be very, very ashamed if she behaved like that. Picks at your food, can't stay awake long enough to act like a grownup. If you hadn't mentioned her age, I would have assumed that she was 3, not 23.

Although if she lives with your pil I would have offered her an invite too and borrowed a chair.

ENormaSnob · 18/08/2013 18:52

yanbu

cushtie335 · 18/08/2013 20:04

They're ignorant gits. Pure and simple. What a shame for your DP/

commsgirl · 18/08/2013 20:17

I'm 23 and I'd never behave like that! YANBU.

MadeOfStarDust · 18/08/2013 20:30

would not have bothered me if someone wanted a nap on our bed - would have them sleep on it with a blanket though - not in it...

if she lives with your PIL it was probably just assumed she would come with them.. she is his sister? Maybe she did not like paella? And as for the present, if someone offered to get me a painting of my choice when I found one I liked, I'd be delighted!

But when my family - which includes hubby's now we are married.... come round, sometimes with the odd extra (and believe me - Aunty Ena is a VERY odd extra!!!) we tend to just muck-in and make do, making the best of it all and going with the flow....

SybilRamkin · 18/08/2013 20:59

Shock What rude behaviour! Clearly SIL is an arse/spoiled brat.

StarDust - really? It's just 'assumed' that a 23-year-old is invited who has only come once before? Odd.

MadeOfStarDust · 18/08/2013 21:10

Sybil.. it was her brother's birthday - I would assume any family living in the same house would be invited... but we tend to just open house it for birthdays anyhow.. not "odd" at all...

Somethingtothinkabout · 18/08/2013 21:13

I know it now sounds weird that we didn't invite her, but she never comes to see us, she does live with them but does her own thing most of the time, but then I guess if I went to stay at my parents for a few weeks and my sister invited them and not me I'd be a bit put out. But I wouldn't have expected her to come at all, she's never interested. Half the time we go to visit his DPs she spends most of her time in her room or goes out.

The bed thing I wasn't sure if IWBU. I know some people have no qualms about getting in someone else's unwashed bed, I just can't abide it. My own slightly weird thing maybe, gives me the boak.

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