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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I still don't want to see MIL?

76 replies

Famzilla · 18/08/2013 11:32

DD (PFB and first GC) is 5 mo.

Before DD was born we didn't see much of IL's, we lived with them briefly when my own DM kicked us out years ago (a whole other thread or 10) but otherwise only at family gatherings or when I have dog-sitted for them etc. Everything was pretty civilised, I've always thought IL's were a bit weird but I'm sure they thought the same of me.

Obviously since DD has been born we have seen a lot more of them and I have come to the conclusion MIL is a bitch.

I struggled with PND, probably not helped by the fact alone with a baby post EMCS with no support from my own family. MIL turned up on my first day back from the hospital, at 9pm demanding tea and letting us know that she would not be having DD at all to lend a hand as she had "raised her kids". Fair enough, but I never asked or even mentioned it.

That was just the start. Since then it seems she has made a point of shouting at me, disagreeing with me and putting me down every time she visits.

Examples such as taking the piss out of me for being "sucked into advertising" because DD has a carseat. Butting into my conversations with SIL to shout at me that I'm wrong (according to her cheating isn't a bad thing and it's perfectly fine to trick your partner into having a baby), basically it seems like she would argue that black is white. She looked in my cupboards and called me a gannet!

I don't know if anyone remembers my previous thread under a different nickname (Dandelion) about the Santander bank account, can't be bothered to explain it but that looms over my head too.

It all came to a head about a month ago when we visited DH's great aunt with DD. PIL's turned up, I expressed an opinion about some faddy diet and MIL let rip at me. She was shouting so loud it upset DD, and then she had to shout louder to be heard over DD's screams instead of stopping. We left, obviously. I told Dh that was the final straw and that I would not put DD or myself in her line of fire again, he agreed.

Now obviously a month has passed, MIL text DH saying that they've been keeping their distance as they've upset us. But we were disrespectful and they weren't the bad guys. She doesn't see an issue in anything she does. They text again asking if we were still angry because they want to come round and see us ( condescending IMO).

DH wants me to just forgive & forget because they miss DD, I've told him that he and DD are free to continue seeing them but I won't. I don't see why I should sacrifice my own mental well being for his parents when I won't even do it for my own.

DH says it puts him in an awful position and it's not fair. AIBU?

Sorry for the essay!

OP posts:
Original poster
Famzilla · 18/08/2013 11:52

Sorry ledkr I didn't see it!

Not sure if I'm really allowed to discuss it now it's with the ombudsman, but fuck it. We were offered £30 compensation for the "inconvenience".

£30 to have your identity stolen and bank accounts opened in your name..

OP posts:
SilverApples · 18/08/2013 11:54

You'd be unfair if you stopped your DH from taking DD to see them, going on trips with them or generally having full access to his family. But you aren't.
As long as you can trust him to safeguard his DD against his mother (car seats non-negotiable) then he should visit them and she should be able to witter about the fun times with granny when she's older, without you hissing and being cross.
But there is no reason why you should have to be in the company of people who make you unhappy and bully you. They are the ones putting your DH in an awful position, not you.

cozietoesie · 18/08/2013 11:54

I sincerely hope you didn't accept it?

Iamsparklyknickers · 18/08/2013 11:54

As heartless as it sounds it's really not the OP's problem if the MIL is depressed - Famzilla isn't a punching bag for MIL to use as a release.

If depression or other health/stress reasons are making her behave that way then it's up to her FIL or DH to approach their wife/mother, not sit idly by while she treats OP badly.

chirpchirp · 18/08/2013 11:54

I remember the bank account thread and was truly shocked you and DH both didn't cut contact then.

YANBU in anyway, the compromise you have offered is more than fair however I agree with mortified re her comments about the carseat. Not a chance should it ever be just PIL and DD.

EyesCrossedLegsAkimbo · 18/08/2013 11:55

You do realise that if your DP takes your DD to see them, your MIL will slag you off to your DP in front of your child?

Original poster
Famzilla · 18/08/2013 11:55

Glossy - yeah depression has crossed my mind too. But why should I bear the brunt of her hatred?

OP posts:
Original poster
Famzilla · 18/08/2013 11:57

No we didn't accept it hence why it's with the ombudsman.

The bank manager won't even talk to us about it, just delegates it to some cashier. The thing is with our local Santander it's all open plan so you're actually 5ft away from a bloke that will refuse to even look at you. It's infuriating.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 18/08/2013 11:59

You'd be unfair if you stopped your DH from taking DD to see them, going on trips with them or generally having full access to his family. But you aren't.

Why?? For the love of God, why? They don't deserve it, they haven't earned it and just because they're grandparents is no good reason!

If they can't treat the child's mother with respect at the very least, she shouldn't let them within a mile of DD.

Doha · 18/08/2013 11:59

DP's mum crossed the line on many occasions and you have put up with it. No more, you have tried to put up with her but this has now gone to far. I notice that she has taken none of the responsibility of the latest spat but putting the blame firmly on you being disrespectful. there has been no apology and she has no insight or choses to have no insight into her behaviour.
Your DP is a fool to think that all can be forgiven. Let him go to visit them if he must, let him take DD if he must (i wouldn't agree to it) but no way would l be stepping foot over their door or be in their company again.

Nanny0gg · 18/08/2013 12:00

And what's FiL's excuse?

Figgygal · 18/08/2013 12:00

You are offering a very reasonable compromise hopefully your dp will see that.......fuck what they think though!!

travailtotravel · 18/08/2013 12:01

I'd prefer my DD not to be exposed to such awful behaviour but think that you have absolutely said the right thing. What your DP does next - accept your position or try and undermine it - would, for me, dictate my next move. I would not, for example, marry into such a poison family.

FobblyWoof · 18/08/2013 12:03

Ummm, even without everything in your thread I would've cut contact during the whole banking thing. I'm assuming your DH didn't report them (like he should have)

glossyflower · 18/08/2013 12:06

You shouldn't accept that kind of behaviour in any circumstance but if she's depressed she needs to get help. DP has already said she never used to be like this and you all as a family unit can't carry on with her behaviour.

FobblyWoof · 18/08/2013 12:07

Just read the rest of the thread and I swe it's being dealt with. But I'm sure your pil had something to do with it.

And you shouldn't have to take the abuse that's being given out and your dp seems a bit of a wet lettuce when it comes to his parents. Tell him he can see them as much as he wants but you're done

HotCrossPun · 18/08/2013 12:08

You sound like a completely a reasonable person and MIL sounds like a horrible bully.

She reminds me a bit of my mum, negative, toxic and always starting arguments.

You should continue to let DP and DD see them (not in a car though!!) and then maybe when you aren't there to take the full force of her attitude your DP will fully realise what a nightmare she is.

ArkadyRose · 18/08/2013 12:10

I'm with Nanny0gg - why should grandparents get an automatic right to access to a child just because they are the parents of one parent, regardless of how they behave? Why should family be exempt from behaving decently? The only unfairness here is that MIL is a bitch yet still thinks she shouldn't be held accountable for her behaviour.

As for others saying she may be depressed - last time I read the DSM-VI-TR, arsehole personality wasn't an actual disorder. Mental illness is not an excuse for behaving like a twunt.

SevenReasonsToSmile · 18/08/2013 12:11

I have to say I agree with travail, I'd think very carefully about marrying someone not prepared to back you up, he should be supporting you not sitting by allowing her disrespect towards you. And you have t put him in an awful position, that was her doing, you didn't ask for this.

ExitPursuedByABear · 18/08/2013 12:13

Keep away from the mad bitch.

Can you trust her to behave around your DP and DD?

pianodoodle · 18/08/2013 12:14

If someone shouted like that at me and made DD cry I wouldn't be letting DD go to see them either.

CorrineFoxworth · 18/08/2013 12:15

I would watch the car-seat thing very carefully. She sounds barking YANBU.

And good for you Ledkr Smile

Reality · 18/08/2013 12:16

So what happened with the bank account? Who opened it, was it the PILs or was it a random mistake?

Mintyy · 18/08/2013 12:21

Ok, the bank have accepted responsibility and offered you compensation?

Your mil argued with you for criticising a fad diet? Perhaps it was something she really believed in and was trying out for herself.

I wouldn't cut off a close member of my family for that. They would have to do a lot worse before I could be so drastic.

Original poster
Famzilla · 18/08/2013 12:23

The thing is, he totally 'had my back' on this until today, where he seems to be faltering. He has supported me through going no contact with my own family, which took a hell of a lot longer than it should have so I'm thinking maybe he feels that I should give his family as many chances to fuck me over as I gave mine?

I guess because I come from such a toxic background it's hard to see what's forgivable and what isn't.

He says he doesn't blame me for anything but he was civil to my mum so can't I be civil to his? The difference is my mum was horrible to me, not him.

He has gone round theirs to talk to them now and says that if she can't see how spiteful she's being then he won't expect me to see them. I didn't let him take DD as I think the shouting needs to be addressed first, he didn't challenge that.

OP posts: