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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask MiL to put her foot down

18 replies

Fairy130389 · 18/08/2013 10:29

My DSD lives with DH and I. We are very fortunate that PIL are very on board and help us a lot. dSD gets treated regularly by both my parents and PIL, and has started to become a tad spoilt as a result. I think both families have over compensated because her biological maternal family rarely see her or treat her.

MIL planned a lovely few days these holidays and has booked tickets to the circus for her, DSD and and a friend. She told DSD her plan and DSD immediately told her she didn't want to go, she 'hates the circus'. I am so cross. I have told MIL that if she doesn't go she stays at their house and does not do anything, although frankly I think she should go anyway. This is the latest in a long line. I am in a difficult position being step mother and MIl thinks I am unfair.

I read a thread this morning about a poster who would love to take kids to circus but can't afford to and now I feel sick that my child is so so ungrateful.

I want MIL to put her foot down, because this is becoming a regular thing - MIL buying presents etc and DSD turning her nose up. Obviously I discipline her but MIl just wades in and hugs her and tells her it's ok not to like things!!

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 18/08/2013 10:31

It is okay to not like things. MIL is right.

Did MIL ask SD if she wanted to go the circus? Or did she just assume?

Sell the tickets.

Stop making a mountain out of a molehill.

Original poster

Fairy130389 · 18/08/2013 10:39

I agree Tee but it is constant. For example, MIL will treat DSD to new clothes. DSD will chose them. They will come and she will refuse to wear them, stamp her feet and say she hates them.

MIL bought DN (2.5) a doll. DSD sees it and throws MASSIVE tantrum (she's 8) screaming, shouting telling granny she is awful and she hates her and she WANTS A DOLL TOO (she gets gifts nearly every week). Granny hugs her, shushes her and says there there, if you are good granny will go out and get you one. DSD then tantrums because she wants it RIGHT NOW.

It is also the attitude - fair enough, she doesn't want to go to the circus, but she is so rude about it. GOD GRANNY, I dont WANT to go to the circus, cue tears, tantrums etc.

She does not do this at home, only with Granny because she gives in to her contantly.

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 18/08/2013 10:50

Well, then, Granny needs to deal with it. Granny's a sucker. You should tell Granny she's a sucker.

fluckered · 18/08/2013 10:53

if she is not like that at home then its granny's problem. does she give out and tell you she behaves like this to you? if so shrug your shoulders and say she doesn't in my house and say its because you give into them. but be gentle to GPs. if you see it transfer over into every day at home/school THEN step in. and have a talk with the kids on your own.

Original poster

Fairy130389 · 18/08/2013 11:00

We do get the attitude at home but I can usually nip it in the bud pretty quickly (with lots of stamping and being told life is so unfair in the process!)

It is difficult. I think because I am step too I am conscious of being the 'wicked step mother' and MIL often tells me I'm too strict ...
(I don't think I am tbh and neither does DH but I do have a bee in my bonnet about this issue.

The difficulty is that she sees MIL v regularly as they help out with childcare and live locally, probably once a week, so I almost feel that it is unfair on DSD - how can I expect her to know how to behave at home if she is allowed to do this at GP's?

I know they love her. and she has had a hard time and we all probably over compensate for that but this is doing her no favours.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fairy130389 · 18/08/2013 11:01

I should add that she is generally a really kind, thoughtful, lovely child.

OP posts:

WitchOfEndor · 18/08/2013 11:11

Agree with Tee, she doesn't have to like circuses. This is assuming that she hasn't been to one and loved it in the past, and is just throwing a strop for some reason. I wouldn't thank you for circus tickets either.

WitchOfEndor · 18/08/2013 11:13

Xposts, looks like she is being a spoilt little madam then.

waltzingmathilda · 18/08/2013 11:20

How often does she see her mother (assuming her mother isnt dead of course). She probably feels abandoned. And with the best will in the world, money by virtue of presents and treats does not make up for not having her mother.

lordleofric · 18/08/2013 11:20

What does your DH say? As its his mother, could he address the issue with her?

Cerisier · 18/08/2013 11:26

I am not a fan of circuses so would not want to be bought a ticket.

In other respects it sounds like DSD is being tiptoed around because people feel sorry for her. It isn't doing her any favours.

DH needs to sit down with his mother and talk to her about what is happening and make a plan so that everyone is consistent. Plus I would suggest a family talk with DD, you, DH and DGM to explain what is going to happen and why.

LondonInHighHeeledBoots · 18/08/2013 11:34

this sounds like a conversation that your DH needs to have with his mother. If she thinks you are being too strict add a SM then he needs to go and tell her that no, you are not, she's being fawning. it will probably damage her relationships with her cousins too to have Grammy spoiling one because she feels sorry for her.

NotYoMomma · 18/08/2013 11:42

I love how people automatically assume as soon as they see the word 'step' that a child feels abandoned....

how about waiting for more facts before making ridiculous leaps

DameFanny · 18/08/2013 11:47

Next time she has a strop with you, how about telling her "it's not my job to make you love me, it's my job to help you be a loveable person. Because I love you."

It sounds like she's looking for constant reassurance that she is loved, and maybe you could show her that love takes many different forms, and many of them don't involve short-term gratification?

treas · 18/08/2013 11:53

Yes it is alright not to like something. However, there are ways of saying it that need not be rude and ungrateful.

Cerisier · 19/08/2013 07:48

I have been known to say to my DCs "can you hear how spoiled and selfish you sound?" and "think about what other people would think of your behaviour. Are you proud of how you behaved? Would you have behaved like this at school?".

Sitting back calmly and asking them to listen to themselves can be very effective. I know DSD is only 8 but she is old enough to think about her behaviour and how she appears to others.

Standautocorrected · 19/08/2013 08:36

Speak to mil and ask her to cut down on gifts and treats. Explain the negative effect is ppears to be having on dsd.

cory · 19/08/2013 09:15

I agree with LIHHB that it's the dh who needs to be having this conversation, not the OP. The gran's approach is not helping his daughter, he needs to step in.

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