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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cyber bullying

22 replies

debbie1412 · 18/08/2013 07:10

Probably going to get panned. I really don't want to come across as insensitive, my heart goes out to all that's involved in the tragedy of last week.
I really don't understand the whole issue, just don't go on to these sites if people are causing you distress.
Is it just me????

OP posts:

thismousebites · 18/08/2013 07:20

Thing is, the people who usually get bullied online are teenagers. Taking away their Facebook, Bebo, whatever, removes them from socialising the same as all their friends. These sites are like their right arm so not going on just makes them feel even more socially ostracised.

Rachael200694 · 18/08/2013 07:25

I agree with you tbh! As a 19 year old I know a lot about all this type of thing from high school.
The website she was on wasn't a proper social networking site, it was Ask.fm where people can post anonymously to you, proper websites like twitter and Facebook allow you to block and report people.
I don't see the need to use this Ask.fm, it has no use other than to get abuse or rude personal questions. I don't understand why you would continue to use it at all!

sooperdooper · 18/08/2013 07:25

Also, on Facebook if someone sends you a message, you normally get an email message to prompt you to log on, so it's not that easy to ignore, not sure if the others do too?

Saying 'don't log on' is the same as saying 'just ignore them' and sadly that's not always enough

Dackyduddles · 18/08/2013 07:27

That's so simplistic a thought it hurts. People are social. The thought of not being liked hurts. So if one disagrees on a site it feels personal.

These are children. It's hard enough for adults to rationalise and cope with but children?

Yabu

Dackyduddles · 18/08/2013 07:29

Just out of interest, how is this place run differently to ask.fm? Is it? Or similar?

Rachel you are here. what's the difference from that one to this please?

SoupDragon · 18/08/2013 07:30

The problem is the bullies, not the social networking sites.

SilveryMoon · 18/08/2013 07:37

With so many young people having access to computers and being online etc, it makes bullying a whole lot worse. Cyber bullying is just another opportunity and it makes bullying relentless. If you're being bullied at school, let's say, and the bullies are also using social networking to prey on their victims, it just never stops, the person who is being bullied experiences it all the time, there is no break from it when you get home like there used to be. Must just be unbearable for these children.
I also think, that a person who is being bullied probably doesn't possess the skills and confidence to adequately deal with the situation. They may already have self-esteem issues and believe that they deserve to be treated like this, they may be experiencing bullying from more than one person, maybe also from the person who should be looking after them so they may not know who to tell etc etc.
It definitely isn't as simple as just don't go on these sites, maybe these sites are also their biggest source of support from other people.
The risks and dangers of internet access and usage do need to be further highlighted I think.

Rachael200694 · 18/08/2013 07:38

I agree with you that this is no different. But what is different is that the Ask.fm website links to Facebook which is honestly just an invitation for people from school to go on and to anonymously post to you whatever they like.
I've seen what people get asked on this website as it posts onto their Facebook too and someone would be extremely naive to think people were going to ask "what's your favourite colour". They get some very nasty or very strange sexual things posted on there. Even things that are completely irrelevant but still hurtful, so it's not always personal just abuse for the sake of abuse!

The bullies themselves tend to be immature other teenagers that don't understand what they're doing. They think its hilarious what they're saying, and I don't believe they honestly understand that it's another human being at the other end. They're sat at home hidden behind a computer screen anonymously posting and I believe 90% of the teenagers who give out the abuse don't have a clue about the reality of what they're doing!

Teenagers need to realise that these websites aren't for fun! They just attract dickheads who hurt people online thinking its a joke!

Dackyduddles · 18/08/2013 07:45

Rachel. Thanks. I have no clue of that site and am now avoiding on principle not knowledge so to speak! Had no idea links to fb. See now how exacerbates even worse.

What's fb had to say in all this? Terrible stuff. Makes me nervous for own kids. And I've got to keep up with all this stuff!

idiot55 · 18/08/2013 07:49

I don't get why teenagers are using that ask thing and similar.

The boy who commutes suicide because of the webcam thing is so sad, he was 15. Why aren't parents watching what their kids are up to

Rachael200694 · 18/08/2013 07:50

Dackyduddles, it is a big shame that people open themselves up to this sort of thing! I realise it is the bullies fault at the end of the day, but at the same time you have to take care of yourself and not leave yourself open to this sort of abuse.

If your children are wise and mature enough you have no need to worry about them using Facebook. I've never had any problems with bullying thankfully, but I've also never used these silly anonymous sites too! So if you feel your children can take care of themselves online, don't stop them, there's lots of innocent fun and wonderful things on there too to be enjoyed

Dackyduddles · 18/08/2013 08:00

People used to just talk behind backs. Now they post out for the world. In some mistaken kudos grabbing aren't I funny/fabulous? Misguided way.

Rachel, do you know something else I don't understand please? Here my name Dacky associates behind scenes to my real me. What I say is traceable. So if I threatened you with violence or suggested you did something I could be forwarded to police (I assume?) Does ask.fm not associate to a real email/person? Can data not just be sent to authorities? Incitement is illegal in UK so I assume if one person encouraged others down a path they could be arrested. In media I keep hearing ask.fm doesn't have info and I'm lost as to why?

Thank you

Rachael200694 · 18/08/2013 08:08

If I'm not mistaken I think you can just click on the link they post on their Facebook and just start asking away without needing to log in.
I'm not brilliant with this technical side of how they get people really! I think they can trace to computers though, cause when I think about it if you were sad enough to you could create a false email account under a different name then create a false Facebook page and do it from there of course you'd be blocked and removed from the site, but I don't know if they'd be able to trace you!
But I think you are right in saying Ask.fm doesn't take an email address and things, how daft!

Vivacia · 18/08/2013 08:12

The point is, when we were bullied it stopped at the school gate. Ok, so you were thinking about it all night and worried about it in the morning, but you could feel safe at home, safe in your bed, safe with your mates etc.
If we made a mistake, people talked about it. Now, they probably pass around photos of it.

Now, the bullying is pervasive. It's in your bedroom (via your laptop) and on your person (via your phone). It's not just done by a group of six, but their 600 "friends" can join in too.

I'm grateful I didn't have this when I was going through my teens.

waltermittymissus · 18/08/2013 08:17

Ask.fm can get details from IP addresses even if people don't register. And you must register afaik.

However, with IP addresses you're not always guaranteed to find the culprits.

hamdangle · 18/08/2013 08:42

Kids are growing up in a totally different world and they have lost all concept of privacy. They are growing up in a world where a young girl films herself sucking her own used tampon and puts it in Facebook purely with the intent to become famous. It's frightening.

They live their lives entirely through computers and very quickly they lose sense of perspective. Some of my son's female friends (16/17) constantly post pictures of themselves barely dressed and that they airbrush first. They don't think about what they are posting or how it could affect them in the future. They think nothing of having full blown arguments publicly on their Facebook page and because they are behind a computer they say worse things than they would in real life. And that's the stuff that's out in the open before you even get to sites like Ask.fm!

They lose their innocence so quickly now too. Porn isn't something you find in a hedge and have a shocked giggle at, it's everywhere all the time. 24 hour access. Waxing and spray tans for 13 year olds, padded bras for nine year olds. Lap dancing isn't something you see in a dodgy late night film on channel four that you are watching while your mum's in bed, it's what your mum does for her fitness class and where your future partner will go on the weekend to unwind.

It's all so depressing and the pressure on young kids is immense.

Dackyduddles · 18/08/2013 08:49

Vivacia so so true

Dackyduddles · 18/08/2013 08:50

Ham agreed

Nanny0gg · 18/08/2013 09:00

Vivacia- The point is, when we were bullied it stopped at the school gate. Ok, so you were thinking about it all night and worried about it in the morning, but you could feel safe at home, safe in your bed, safe with your mates etc. If we made a mistake, people talked about it. Now, they probably pass around photos of it. - spot on.

The living nightmare that was my secondary school education would be beyond coping with nowadays.

Nowhere to escape.

diddl · 18/08/2013 09:03

As an adult, I think it is hard to wonder why they keep going back-to stuff like the askfm.

FB-well, hopefully they only have friends as friends-and can block if there's a falling out!

That said, sometimes on IABU people pile stright in at the OP!

I hope to goodness that my teens would talk to me though.

Original poster

debbie1412 · 18/08/2013 10:26

Thanks for your thoughts. It seems such a different world to when I was at school I'm 32, it only feels like yesterday. I have 2 very young children. How do we lessen the effect of what they might experience on these sites??

OP posts:

Feminine · 18/08/2013 10:45

I think it depends on the child.

The sites are crap, I wish my DS didn't go on them.

But...he remains unaffected by them. This generation like going to them, they like the instant compliments! They will trade off any nasty comments for an instant "like".

Why do you think there are so many 13 and onwards profiles with that stupid duck face...and tits everywhere? Many of them love it on the surface Looking deeper in to their eyes tells a different story.

DS has a youtube channel, he has been 'bullied' since he was 10 or so. Its always been water off a ducks back to him. I have been luck though, he is wise beyond his years...he sees cyber bullies for what they are -SCUM!

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