Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To ask how you transfer from being paid for to paying?

26 replies

PosyNarker · 18/08/2013 01:29

Am I? DP and I earn reasonably well - not rich but both higher crate tax payers so very comfortably off. We had a few tough years with lots of costs + training salaries and a redundancy but we're beyond that now.

Trouble is both sets of parents always foot the bill when out for dinner. The only time I ever have an outlay is if I entertain them at home and even then they usually bring a gift some terribly posh wine.

Anyway I am starting to feel awkward because while DP's dad undoubtedly does earn more than us, he does know I'm doing okay, because we move in similar circles. With my own parents it's different because they are retired but won't let me pay for a thing.

I don't know if u should feel guilty or not? My parents won't let me put a hand in my pocket until mortgage is smaller and their reasoning is they have enough for two retirements but they still live more frugally than me. DP's dad is a very high earner but I kind of feel the offer to pay or whatever should come from DP not me. I always offer a round of drinks if out but I feel bloody macho doing do - DP wouldn't think, nor would his DM ir mine...

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/08/2013 01:31

If it makes them happy, let them. Me and DF, DM and DH invariably argue about it jovially and pay about half the time each. However, I know they like that DH wants to get dinner once in a while because ex-H was a tight bugger. If they wanted to pay and could afford it and it made them happy, meh.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 18/08/2013 01:32

Why do you feel "macho" offering to buy drinks?? this isn't 1952!

Just tell them! Say "We;ll get this one...and no arguments"

SofiaVagueara · 18/08/2013 01:35

I wouldn't worry about it too much, I think they're just trying to do a nice thing for you.

Could you arrange a meal out and tell them in advance that it's your treat as you want to thank them for all the times they've taken you out?

I think it's interesting that you don't feel uncomfortable when it's your parents. I think your DPs dad probably feels the same but it makes you feel uncomfortable because they're not your parents? I think they're doing it in the same spirit as your parents because DP is their son. I think you should accept it graciously in the spirit it is given and then send them a gift to say thanks.

BrokenSunglasses · 18/08/2013 01:38

Just let them pay. They are choosing to do it because it means something to them to know that their daughter has paid off her mortgage.

Maybe on their anniversary or on their birthdays you could do something a bit more special for them and they will let you pay as it's an occasion. That way everyone's a winner.

daisychain01 · 18/08/2013 05:54

I think your parents need to be introduced to the OP on AIBU who is complaining that her DPs parent don't pay for anything and she feels taken for granted! Just shows that money can be a complication and pain in the arse when it creates an imbalance (when a person ends up paying too much or not enough!)

Agree with broken, just let them pay if that makes them happy, but - this is the important piece - make a point of thanking them and saying you appreciate their generosity. And try to find an opportunity to pay for them, even if indirectly, which might have to be 'on your patch' for example if you invite them over to your's for a meal. Then the physical appearance of money isn't there, but you are treating them.

raisah · 18/08/2013 05:54

That's lovely that you want to treat them so why not pay for the meal on the way back from the loo? I have done this loads of times and it saves arguments at the dinner table. Or alternatively suggest that you pay for the meals & they pay for drinks but make it clear that you want to pay.

There is another thread on here where the op wants her dh to ask his dps for the £160 so far they have spent on their visit. She has kept a running total of hoe much they have spent so far.

DorisShutt · 18/08/2013 06:32

Lord knows! PIL and DH argue about this all the time - more so since DS came along!

We sort of compromised in that if it's up here (we live 8 hours away) then we pay, down there and it's all theirs.

AKissIsNotAContract · 18/08/2013 06:39

Let them pay if they want. Some people's parents give them huge amounts of money for house deposits/wedding presents/just because. Buying dinner is small in comparison.

FredFredGeorge · 18/08/2013 07:30

I don't think you should let them pay at all, I don't get that attitude, to me it's very much about part of moving your parent/child relationship on to a relationship of peers. One of the common themes on mumsnet appears to be that adult parent/children relationships are still stuck in teenager - parent roles where the parents believe they can tell the child what to do.

Do the people saying it's okay to always let "Bob" down the pub to always buy the drinks, 'cos Bob is richer and enjoys doing it? Or do you also think the reciprocity is important in that sort of friendship?

Ideally you should've transitioned before, as soon as you have real disposable income, you can do it even with a big financial imbalance when everyone is pretty aware like family / close friends - you just contrive to make sure one side seems to always be buying coffee in a transport café, and the other meals.

How to transition now? It probably should be you doing with your DH's family, and him with yours, because that's easier as you've said, you feel uncomfortable, and so does he. And in a restaurant, you just take the bill and put the cash / credit card down and do it before there's a chance for a discussion, and when asked just say "It's our turn." It'll only take a couple of times for people to get it.

Your parents will then of course find a different way to help you with your mortgage if they want to, but that's okay, this is about adult social obligations.

LiegeAndLief · 18/08/2013 07:35

We just argue lengthily about it (in a nice way) and try to beat each other to the bar or have a race to get the credit card down when the bill comes. My parents always try to pay and I know they are on a much higher income than us but we can still afford it and I would feel uncomfortable always letting them pay.

If we genuinely couldn't afford to eg go out for dinner and they wanted to treat us, that would be different.

FloraFinching · 18/08/2013 07:36

DPs parents usually pay when we go out for lunch

if it's us who suggested a meal out, we always go prepared to pay for everyone, and offer to do so

As far as I'm concerned if they want to treat us that's their business. it's a nice treat, and whilst not loaded they have more disposable income than us.

if it's mothers'/fathers' day or one of their birthdays we try to remember to pay at the bar before FIL can get his hands on the bill.

LiegeAndLief · 18/08/2013 07:38

Incidentally, it's always me that does the negotiating with my parents. Sadly we don't have the same problem with MIL, who is tighter than a duck's arse and can't see the point in paying for herself when someone else's wallet is present.

Cerisier · 18/08/2013 07:44

FIL always wants to pay for dinner when we all go out so DH either argues with him (when it can go either way) or sneaks off to pay when FIL isn't looking.

When we were younger FIL always paid and we were very grateful. We did offer but he would never let us pay.

In our family there is a tradition that money works its way down the generations. Older family members pay for younger ones and leave them money. Everyone tries to leave/pass on more than they were given so they haven't lived off previous generations.

So OP my advice would be to get the bill half the time but let your PIL and parents enjoy treating you on other occasions.

wigglesrock · 18/08/2013 07:56

Both my pils and parents can be a bit like this - not so much with going out to dinner but with other things. I know, because they have both told us that spending money on things for us is what they want to do. Both sets had no spare money at all when both husband and I were growing up, and in my husband's case especially, I mean really struggling. Now because they have paid off their mortgage, saved a bit, have good work pensions they do have more disposable money.

They couldn't help us out with university, flat/house deposits, wedding, car etc but now they can and want to - I dont have a problem with it.

We do silly little things for them, I bring mil to the doctor, kids nativitys, dance shows, get her bits and pieces of stuff I see she might like.

Montybojangles · 18/08/2013 07:57

Get sneaky if it's really bothering you. Quietly (away from the group) inform your waiter that you will be paying and do not want the bill brought to the table. Pop off to the loo after desserts/coffees are ordered and settle the bill away from the table.

That way you avoid any arguement.

2beornot · 18/08/2013 09:25

We always offer to pay regardless of whether we're out with my DP or DPILS, but they always insist. I figure that we'll pay it forward and so the same for our DC when they're older.

Original poster

PosyNarker · 18/08/2013 10:56

Fred Oh we've offered for years - it's not a new thing. The parents are the ones who'll sneak paying on the way back from the loo! It was less awkward when we earned less but it's feeling increasingly weird.

Neo To be honest I worded that badly. I don't feel like I'm being macho or masculine in paying but my family are very traditional. Even if the wife has the money, the man pays in public iyswim. Some of my family would think I was showing my DP up by flashing cash in public which adds to the awkwardness. And yes, I do know that's bloody odd.

OP posts:

Iamsparklyknickers · 18/08/2013 11:01

As a team, you have to insist as much as they do. Make it clear that you want to treat them and if they refuse then you will be offended.

I would make it clear before you even set a date that this is your treat and it's important to you. You've enough knowledge about your finances to know that in the grand scheme of things knocking a couple of weeks off your mortgage will not bring you as much pleasure as buying them a meal.

Original poster

PosyNarker · 18/08/2013 11:06

I think you're right sparkly. I need to tackle DP as I think I'm the only one feeling awkward.

Thinking about it though, DP's elderly grandparents alway foot the bill out with their kids / grandchildren & we're all adults. That seems really odd to me!

OP posts:

ShabbyButNotChic · 18/08/2013 11:07

I feel you op. my dad is a sneaky payer, he will pop out for a smoke then pay on his way back. He wont let us (or my db and sil) pay for them when we eat out, he likes to 'provide'. We tend to pay them back by buying them little treats eg if i see his favourite whisky on offer i will buy him a bottle/treat my mum to a massage. We also tend to go to theirs for sunday lunch every other week and always take wine and a pudding. I also sit and do my mums nails for her and pin my dad down and pluck his eyebrows so we do nice things for them.

It is sometimes easier to just let them pay, as long as it evens out in other ways.

ShabbyButNotChic · 18/08/2013 11:08

It is sometimes easier to just let them pay, as long as it evens out in other ways.

QuietTiger · 18/08/2013 12:02

When DH & I have had this situation (my dad is well know for insisting on paying) we do a "sneaky pay". When everyone has ordered desert/coffee and it is likely that no more will go on the bill, I "go to the toilet" and pay on my way back discretely.

Drives my dad nuts, but it means that DH can tell my dad that the bill is settled with no arguments. :) Works every time. Except now my dad has taken to labouring the point making it clear at the start of the meal that we are not to pay.

McNewPants2013 · 18/08/2013 12:12

How about get a bunch of flowers or a box of chocolates to say thank you.

ILetHimKeep20Quid · 18/08/2013 12:19

We're in the same situation as a previous poster. Both parents were skint bringing us up, like borrowing 50p for the meter of the old man next door skint. As a result they are both still very frugal, have saved and invested well and now there's grandchildren around they want to treat everyone.

patienceisvirtuous · 18/08/2013 12:39

Can someone link to the other thread where OP is totting up everything pil owes her?

Flip

1 2