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[AlyssB]

Long post, but don't want to drop feed!

My oldest friend (14 years) has been married around 5 years and has two DC's has an open relationship with her DH (I'll call him D). She goes out & sleeps with other men, and it turns him on when she tells him about it. Not my thing, but fine. Recently she has met a man (I'll call him M) who she has developed an attachment to. By her own admission he is a loser. He's has a coke addiction, a suspended sentence and shouts & threatens her. She joins in with him taking coke. D is bothered by her having an attachment to him, the deal was always no strings sex. She thinks D is being unreasonable to ask her not to see him again & said no. D then read her text messages on her phone & she left him. She picked her DCs up for a day out with me after three hours sleep and taking a shit load of coke the night before.

I had spent all day trying to support her and listen to her without judging her at all. We had arranged to go out & meet my DP for drinks later. We met up and DP was very drunk, he'd been at football all day with his mates! I had a couple of drinks but wanted to stay a bit sober as DP was so drunk. At the train station DP wandered off & I didn't know where he'd gone. Normally I wouldn't be worried. My friend told me to chill out, as I was worried. I told her I was fine I just wanted to make sure he was on the right platform. She then told me aggressivly that my problem was the I drank too much and it makes me very angry & unreasonable! I had had THREE drinks in three hours!!

I found DP and went home leaving her to go home on her own. AIBU to be pissed off that she was so aggressive towards me for what seems to me like no reason? I thought I had been supportive and feel like was just being nasty!!

AIBU or do you think I have unknowingly done something to upset her so much she lashed out?

I genuinely don't know what happened.

Whoops, no topic & I don't know how to edit :(

I don't think you should have left her alone personally.

It sounds to me like she might have done some coke while she was with you. I think you need to talk to her and explain that the drugs are doing her no good and she shouldn't be taking them when she has children.

I think you should tell her that you will always be there for her to help and support her should she decide to stop taking them, but you do not want to see her while she's taking drugs.

Erm, no. She had a shit load of coke and three hours sleep. I would put anything said down to that, rather than worrying its anything you've done. Coke makes nice people horrible, a coke come down even more so. I'd put some distance between you if at all possible.

I know :( I found her getting off the train. She wouldn't talk to me, but me & DP hung back & made sure we saw her getting in a taxi. I feel guilty, I definitly over reacted, but I was angry she could be so nasty from what seemed like out of nowhere.

Oh for goodness sake, she's an adult she would have been okay for a few minutes while she put DP on train.

I feel sorry for the OP, she was trying to make sure two people who were a bit fucked up were okay and I understand she had to make sure DP was getting on the right train. There was no reason for her mate to lash out like that.

It's not you, it's her.

Also she is having an affair by the rules of her and her DH's relationship.

wilson thank you , you are probably right, I didn't even think about the after effects like that.

sofia thank you! DP was fine just drunk & a bit confused bless him, even more confused when he realised I was fuming and thought it was his fault for wandering off! We have DSD every weekend so we don't go out much & he'd overdone it a bit!

waffly yes she is, that's why she left DH.

I am glad you have all put it in perspective for me. I really don't think I can do anything else to support her, and need to put some distance between us. I don't have the mental energy to deal with all this and not know how she's going to react to me. I hope she's ok though :(

Don't forget though OP that if she does get herself out of this situation and stop taking the drugs she will go back to being the person that she was so I don't think you should cut her off forever.

Also, I think as you have been friends with her for so long you owe it to her to tell her straight out that the effects of the drugs are making her a horrible person to be around. Not necessarily for your own sake, but because her kids will be having to put up with this shit too and she needs telling.

I think I'm missing the link between her open relationship and her being shitty, have I missed a bit?

She just sounds as though it was her being arsey and lashing out, I wouldn't read much into it. If you have done something and she hasn't bothered to tell you, it's not your problem.

You think you overreacted but you haven't said what it was you did? Or do you mean just leaving her to get the taxi herself? Which I don't think is unreasonable seeing as she'd just given you a gobfull for no reason.

Will she ring and apologise tomorrow do you reckon?

sofia she knows about the coke being awful, I've mentioned it before bit she just gets angry about it, it's fine, it's not all the time & what do I know anyway etc, so I just don't mention it anymore. I will happily go back to being her friend again, too, I just don't really want to see her much at the moment.

zigzag I guess the point about her relationship was important to me because its potentially ended her marriage. It's not a situation that I can empathise with, and I don't know how to support her in this situation, she said herself (before the lashing out) that its a weird situation to be in. I don't know if I'd upset her by saying or doing something that might have made her more upset. Because I was worried about DP after she left her DH? Because despite trying to support her she thought I was judging her? I don't know.

It comes down to whether you've realised this is what she's like and you're not up for taking the flack any more, which would mean this isn't a one off caused by the situation she's in.

Or, it's out of character for her and she's actually going off the rails, and her snapping at you is just a symptom of her being at the end of her tether.

I don't think the relationship she had with her DH or has with the other bloke would change how you support her, just being there will do that.

It must be pretty bad with her DH though for the other bloke to seem like a viable option.

How old are her children out of interest?

I don't really like the idea of someone being responsible for children on a coke comedown with three hours sleep.

Alyss, you sound like a good friend. Sorry to say this but your friend's life seems to be spinning out of control and much as its nice to support friends in a crisis, when its a self made problem borne out of selfishness, it can drag the person's nearest and dearest down too.

Her behaviour based on what you have said, is, dare I say it, vile. Open relationship, DCs seeing their mum high on drugs. Yuk. Sorry to be harsh, but thats the reality. Now she has lashed out at you, a kind person who is responsible, and supportive. I don't think you would be in the wrong to distance yourself, otherwise she could drag you into her mire!

I may get flamed here but she's openly admitting to taking coke and no sleep. She shouldn't have the children. If she wants to stuff her life up, that's her choice but the children shouldn't be exposed to that and need to be in a stable environment. She might be your friend, but these are the actions of a self absorbed, selfish person.

And YANBU - she's becoming more self absorbed so its not that you upset her. No sleep plus coke equals vile behaviour. My main concern was if she verbally lashed out to a supportive friend, would she lash verbally out at her children?

Whew, had some stuff to sort out this morning & just got back here. Her DCs are 4 & 5 and I quite agree that it's is not a good thing to be looking after them after coke & very little sleep - I am very glad I went out with them too.

Thank you all for your replies, you have definitely put my mind at rest. This is not the first time she has been volatile and emotional but this incident has to be the worst. I don't think she'd ever lash out at the boys though. But then again I feel like I don't really know her at all anymore.

I certainly think that I won't be seeing her again for quite a while, she won't get in touch or apologise because in her mind its me that's irrational and unreasonable she won't think that she is wrong (much like the situation with her DH).

If she does get in touch I might rethink but I will be leaving her to her own devices until then.

Thank you all again, it's good to know that it's not me that is thinking about things in the wrong way :)