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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or over sensitive.

27 replies

peppapigsmummy · 16/08/2013 20:44

DF thinks I am.

We gave notice of marriage today. The gentleman taking our details really annoyed me.

It was really obvious that he felt my partner was more important as he was a man and that as the woman I should look after our child and be dealt with later. He never spoke to us as a couple even if it involved me. I put this down to generational differences as he was an older man, though annoyed me.

Then. When speaking to me, I asked a question in order to confirm I was understanding the infomation he was giving AND HE FUCKING SHUSHED ME. lips to mouth and all. So patronising, I was livid.

During the few minutes he had to speak to me directly he asked for my fathers details. I hadn't expected this, and had to catch my breath. I told him I didn't have one. I was raised singly handedly by my mother and felt I made it clear that it was a sensitive subject and did not need prying.

He pressed me for much more personal information than I felt necessary regarding the subject and I barely made it to the car before bursting into tears after he declared my marriage certificate would be left blank (I understand why) but kept repeatedly saying 'since she doesn't have a father' in a disapproving tone. ..whilst back to talking to DP and ignoring me.

Im actually more cross over his obvious sexist attitude, carefully shown in a manner I could not prove if I complained iyswim, really had to bite my tongue when he shushed me. But upset further over the prying of my lack of parent.

aibu to be upset or am I being over sensitive? ....oh my..just realised how long this is. Sorry!

OP posts:
waltzingmathilda · 16/08/2013 20:48

It is a legal form he has to fill in. He wasnt do it to annoy you or piss you off, he was doing his job.

WillyandTig · 16/08/2013 20:51

He shouldn't have shushed you. Its always a shock to come across sexist people. It throws me when it happens too. YANBU to be upset.

waltzingmathilda · 16/08/2013 20:54

I'm having trouble accepting any adult barely makes it to the car when asked a simple question

AKissIsNotAContract · 16/08/2013 20:55

He sounds like an arse. My experience of giving notice for marriage was completely different from yours and I'm estranged from my dad. Sounds as though you had a particularly douchie registrar.

Original poster
peppapigsmummy · 16/08/2013 20:56

I am fully aware of the procedure ( though for some reason didn't expect the dad issue but in hindsight see it as an obvious one) but he really did treat me like I was nothing, his whole attitude was completely different between how he behaved towards me and my partner...his reaction to not having details of a father was really bizare, like it wasn't common and as he then questioned me further had more insight into the type of upbringing I had compared to dp, and seemed to bother him for some odd reason. He just gave off a very judgemental vibe over it.

Hr literally treated me like I should be seen and not heard though.

OP posts:
Original poster
peppapigsmummy · 16/08/2013 21:01

Waltzingmathilda

I have 'issues' regarding my biological father. I had a very traumatic childhood at his hands until I was nearly 11. I tell people I was raised by mum alone for that reason. Its not somthing I allow to affect my day to day life, or think about much now..but because I hadn't mentally prepared myself to be asked it really threw me. Probably already feeling on edge not knowing if I should speak etc. Im not usually so emotional. I waltzed in excited to give notice, I left feeling patronised and ignored. ..and grilled over the reasons I could not give details of a father.

OP posts:
waltzingmathilda · 16/08/2013 21:04

Well if he is on your birth certificate you were legally obliged to give that information.

PeazlyPops · 16/08/2013 21:08

I understand that you are hurt, but you lied to the registrar, do you not see that as an issue?

Hemlet · 16/08/2013 21:08

Oh for Fuck's sake waltz can't you have a bit more empathy?!

OP it sounds like you had an awful experience at the behest of this cocklodger and I'm not at all surprised it upset you do much.

TheArmadillo · 16/08/2013 21:10

YANBU Complain. Seriously.

Registrars do a job that requires a lot of tact and sensitivity. I work with some and could never imagine them acting like that (including the older men).

A friend of mine is still upset about the insensitivity of the registrar who registered her mother's death 15 years ago. They are often dealing with people at their most vunerable and this type of attitude is not acceptable.

People often don't complain when they should, which leaves staff unsuitable for certain jobs staying in them as management are either unaware how bad they are or not having enough evidence to take things further.

PrincessFlirtyPants · 16/08/2013 21:15

waltzingmathild What on earth is our problem?! You are going out of your way to be rude to OP, it's unnecessary. If you can't understand it, fine there's no need to be so dismissive if her feelings.

OP, he sounds like an arse. He could have handled the situation more sensitively. To shhh you is outrageous. YANBU to be upset.

throwinshapes · 16/08/2013 21:16

^
Agree with armadillo.
Complain.
Should not be in the job if he cannot comprehend life in the 21 century.

PeazlyPops · 16/08/2013 21:16

TheArmadillo is right, it's worth complaining. You won't have been the first he was insensitive to, but most people don't bother to complain.

BrokenSunglasses · 16/08/2013 21:18

It sounds like he was rude, and I'd have been annoyed at being treated like that too.

It's sad that people who are an active part in an exciting life event can't be pleasant to people and let them enjoy the experience. Registrars are in the type of job where it's a given that they need to be able to communicate well with people.

Sorry you had to deal with that today, but Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

waltzingmathilda · 16/08/2013 21:19

The registrar is a cocklodger?

I really cant be doing with hysterical women at the best of times let alone ones with Victorian attacks of the vapours

soapysam · 16/08/2013 21:23

I'm truly sorry you are upset, but you've lied on an important legal document. That is a serious offence! I gave notice and had to explain why I didnt know my fathers occupation or date of birth (abandoned us 18 years ago after running off with another woman and forgot we existed after being a shitty dad prior to this, me and sibling being terrified of him) and that had to do because it was the truth.

I really want to say something comforting and sympathetic as I can tell you are upset, but the huge massive issue is the lie. The reason simply doesnt matter in the eyes of the law. How would one go about complaining without outing oneself?!

Original poster
peppapigsmummy · 16/08/2013 21:27

I think the fact he was so nice to DP is clouding his judgment as he thought it was all fine. Hmm

Peazlypops. After he questioned futher I didn't withhold any info about him being on my birth certificate. But was perfectly honest in saying:

  1. I have no idea of his job description.
2.if hes even still alive (I hope he's rotting in hell myself.)
  1. I have absolutely no information regarding his father
and finally, would rather never get married if he insisted on having his details on my marriage certificate. Not a flipping chance in hell Thankfully he agreed to leave it blank. After much muttering over it 'not being proper'

Im still very confused over what his problem was tbh. Seriously though. .I've never been shushed, I was completely livid. Until he threw that father curve ball at me and I was just trying to hold it together!

Is it normal for them to need to know how long parents were together before they seperaed? it felt far too personal. .especially considering I thought my body language and tone. .plus the initial 'I was raised by my mother' etc would have been a clear indicator to anyone that it wasn't a good subject to pursue. If he'd continued with 'I understand it might be difficult but I need to know a few facts for legal reasons' ..maybe it wouldn't have felt so interegated..

OP posts:
soapysam · 16/08/2013 21:30

Aaah thats different then! Phew! Was sweating it a bit for you there... I concure. Complain about the miserable old fucker!

Belugagrad · 16/08/2013 21:32

I feel like you believe yanbu - I think you are being a bit sensitive - you don't have to see this guy again. On some level he was doing his job and that was always going to be a bit tricky for you as it wa about your dad. Don't hire him to perform your ceremony.

Original poster
peppapigsmummy · 16/08/2013 21:33

I can see how you've read that! (you had me worried for a moment too!) unfortunately my instant reaction to anyone asking a question about my father is a quick 'I don't have one!

despite his obvious feelings towards it, I did make it all clear! :)

OP posts:
Original poster
peppapigsmummy · 16/08/2013 21:37

belugagrad. I definitely felt upset over it, but genuinely wasn't sure if this sort of attitude was normal for people in these roles (even if I do feel it wasn't right!) and therefore unreasonable to be upset. ..having not been through this process before I literally don't have a clue.

Thankfully we are marrying hours away so fingers crossed our actual registrar is lovely on the day!

OP posts:
Belugagrad · 16/08/2013 21:39

I think they only let the nice ones out for weddings- with the best suits and hair dos- never seen a badly turned out registrar at a wedding. They have a serious job- this guy probably loves the power. Be glad you dont work under him.

BrokenSunglasses · 16/08/2013 21:42

Glad to hear there is no chance of him being the one to marry you! I did wonder about that on reading your OP, but I didn't want to say and then worry you! Grin

After much muttering over it 'not being proper'

^^ This makes him a special kind of a twat. Hmm

rockybalboa · 16/08/2013 23:16

Shushing you is a wanky thing to do but the father thing is his job. We had a similar issue with the person dealing with our notice of marriage as she wanted to know what DH's father's occupation was. DH had no idea if his dad was even alive (since turned out that he wasn't) but she was pushing him to see if he could find out before the wedding. Given that DH hadn't heard hide nor hair from his dad since he was about 5 the answer was no. It can't be that uncommon a situation and they could be more sensitive about it. She also made a big song and dance about how they wouldn't leave it blank, they would put a line through the box (or it could have been the other way round). DH really didn't care but she did!!

rockybalboa · 16/08/2013 23:22

Oh hang on, he asked you how long your parents were together before they separated?!? That's totally unnecessary. I probably would be tempted to complain about a) his dismissive, sexist, outdated, patronising attitude to you and b) his totally unnecessary prying into areas of your family life which he just did not need to know. What a knobber.

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