To avoid seeing this person because I can't deal with their mental health issues?

[froken]

I have name changed as I feel really ashamed of how I feel and I wouldn't want people who knew me to know I feel like this.

The background is that my father is schizophrenic, he also is an alcoholic and takes drugs often. My mum left him when I was 4 and the years we all lived together were not happy, they had terrible arguments and my dad behaved more like a irresponsible teenager than a new father (both my mum and dad were very young when I was born) After he left he would sometimes come and visit but there were years when I didn't see him.

My father lives in a different part of the country to my mother and I no longer live in the uk, I have always made the effort to visit my dad even though it is upsetting and hard work most of the time. He is very proud of his children (although he hasn't done much to bring us up) and I know that me visiting him cheers him up so I have put his happiness before mine and visited him.

I have now got a ds who is 8 months old, the plan was to spend a few weeks in the UK and travel up to see my dad for a couple of days. I called my dad to make plans and he sounded drunk (it was 11 in the morning) he told me he had been having fights with people and he had been barred from all the local pubs and he had no money. My brother (who hardly ever sees our father) told me that our dad had stopped taking his medication and been sectioned, he was obviously home now as I called his land line. I don't know why I wasn't told, proabbly to stop me worrying when I have my hands full with ds.

I am ashamed to say I called him back half an hour later and said we couldn't come we had car problems.

I just feel like I can't deal with the emotional fallout of visiting him.

When I was a little girl we had no phone, my dad would say he would come and visit on a given date and I would wait at the bottom of the street for him to turn up and often he never came. He also involved me lots in his episodes when I was very young, saying things to me like I wasn't real or I was part of a conspiracy against him because I looked so like him (and at that stage he believed he was made of metal.)

I feel terrible that he is ill and I can't deal with seeing him. I feel like I have always been the one giving time and effort even as a small child I felt like I needed to excuse his behaviour because he was ill and now I don't have the spare energy and and look after my emotional well being for my sons sake.

I feel so angry and let down, dad's mental helth problems came on after taking drugs when I was a baby, I look at ds and think how could he want to prioritise taking mind altering drugs over a little baby.

AIBU to avoid contact with him because of the symptoms of his illness?

This isn't just about his illness though, is it? I think a lot of people would struggle with it in your shoes. It sounds awfully difficult and I have no advice but wanted to post to say I sympathize with you

Yanbu, sorry you are in this position. :(

YANBU.

Self-preservation is important, more so when it's your family involved as there is so much more obligation and guilt involved.

You're allowed to avoid situations you find stressful and have no control over.

If you want to send him a card with a couple of pictures of your son in and maybe call him when your back home. There's nothing wrong with telling a couple of fibs to soften the fact you don't want to see him, in his more lucid sober moments he will understand (although probably won't be happy about it).

Its amazing what having a child will do when it comes to relationships with toxic or abusive parents.

Before you minimise for a quiet life and try to be a good daughter, perhaps in order to try and get him to love you as a proper father would. Then you have your own child and you get the fierce love for them, and that that is when you realise just how awful your own parent is. As you say, you look at your son and wonder how on earth anyone could put their child second to their own selfish wants (which, before his addiction, thats what it was).

You are doing exactly the right thing in protecting your child and yourself from further damage and hurt. I would however recommend some counselling for you as I suspect that you will go through a tough time in the next couple of years coming to terms with how he treated you. Best to be forearmed iykwim.

Maybe send some pictures of your DS tell him that you are sorry that he is ill and you will see him when his medication is sorted. He has the choice then doesn't he.

I was so ready to get my flame thrower out when I saw your OP title, but i wouldnt be visiting if i were in your shoes. Its not his fault he is ill but he does have a level of responsibility to take his medication.

You are absolutely right that you need to look after your own mental health and I think you have made the right decision.

YANBU. This is you life. Live it for you and your family. This goes way further than mental illness.

Cut your loses and move on

Thank you all for the feedback.

I do feel like his bad behavior are symptoms of his my issues. It's hard for me to separate what is him being a crap dad and what he can't help because he is ill.

I'm in a similar position and its near impossible to separate the carp ness and illness. I've learnt that minimal contact is the only thing that will keep me sane. My daughter needs a well mummy :)

Crapness