DP gone away. AIBU to think he could have made the effort on our last night?

[AvaAdorable]

Thursday DP was due to go off on a mini break with his kids. I'm already secretly resenting this somewhat as we're short of money (in the over draft) and I wasn't invited. I work hard, long hours (we both work full time) and I just feel a bit resentful that he's off on his jollies whilst I'm stuck at home, still working, doing the house work and carrying on with the same old shit.

Anyway, after thursday we wouldn't see each other until next Monday night. Longest we've ever been apart. So I'm thinking Wednesday night he'll make an effort.

We watch a movie. (Well, kind of - he was more interested in his ipad and phone for a large part of it) and then at 10.30pm I say I'm going to bed. Hoping he'd come with me. He did. Great I think.

So I'm laid in bed looking forward to us spending a bit of intimate time together, didn't have to be sex - just a long kiss and cuddle would be nice (and god forbid, a bit of touching if I'm lucky). He gets into bed and says "I'm just going on the ipad for a bit"

So he's on that - I make the effort. I hug him, stroke his belly/leg etc. kiss him - get very little response so I tell him "goodnight" and give him a kiss thinking he'd get the hint. He says "goodnight" and carries on with the ipad!!! He knew I had to be up at 5.45am and it was getting on for 11.30pm. I say "you going to be on that long then??" and he says he won't. He eventually turns it on, lays down and starts going to sleep.

FFS you won't see me again until next week! kill you to make the effort would it???

AIBU? he thinks so.

You've started 2 threads on this. He sounds like a knob.

What are you getting from this relationship?

Maybe he wasn't in the mood?

he never is youthecat - that's the problem. I always have to initiate any type of close contact (not just sex).

He seems to get in the mood ok when he's hiding porn sites on his pc though.

YABU.

He isn't obliged to have sex when he doesn't want it just because you are put out that he has children to parent.

You sound a bit ridiculous. Sorry.

I've just seen your other thread. Maybe he'd spent so much time looking at porn he didn't have anything left for you? Pun intended.

Why are you with him? If there's no intimacy?

Relate might be the way to go. Get some communication going.

I think you need to talk to him about it, not a bunch of strangers on the Internet.

If he doesn't want to have sex he doesn't have to you know, and if you don't want to be in a relationship with little physical contact you don't have to either.

However YABVU to resent the fact that he puts a holiday with his kids before a holiday with you. Heaven forbid a man actually care about his own children.

I thought you were going to say he worked overseas and was going away for months on end.

You're going to see him next week!

But as other posters have said, this is more about him going away without inviting you (maybe he wants to spend time just with his DC?) and that you have a problem with him watching porn.

If you made it obvious, it's totally up to him whether he wants to have sex or not. It might feel like a rejection, but would you want to force him?

He is going away for a few nights not going to war.

He's not a mind-reader. Next time could you explain you want to talk or cuddle or have sex or whatever and would he leave the iPad downstairs?

He isn't in the mood because he has already had his orgasm watching porn! Why have you started anotehr thread about this - you should be busy, packing his stuff!

He was all wanked out from watching porn.

one idea might have been to tell him you wanted some intimacy! or is he expected to guess?

is this the bloke who watches porn with his kids and your kids in the house ?

you can start as many threads looking for sympathy as you like, but you have a choice here

use it wisely

Did you actually ask explicitly or was it all subtle hints? YABU.

Good god woman.

Stop it. Just stop it!

Get some self respect. He's an arsewipe who couldn't give a fig about your needs, your last night together, you wanting marriage...I could go on and on.

Let him go so he can have all the walking time he wants and find a man that respects you and your DCs

*wanking not walking

If you want him to have sex with you maybe you need to say so.

He is allowed not to want to have sex with you.

You are presumably a grown up, in which case him being away for a few nights is no big deal and yesterday wasn't your "last night".

If the real problem is him watching porn, then you need to tackle that, not sulk about the fact that he has taken his kids on holiday for a couple of days.

You are behaving like a child. You need to behave like an adult. This might mean making a difficult decision that your life is better without him.

OP I haven't read your other threads so I'm only going to comment on what I've read here so far.

I wouldn't be happy about paying for a holiday we couldn't afford and I wasn't invited on. As you say you are in the overdraft I'm assuming your finances are joint and therefore the money being used to pay belongs to you both. So in objecting to the joint financial strain, you are not being unreasonable in my opinion.

However it's important for his children to spend time with him alone, so he's not being entirely unreasonable to want to spend some time with them alone and if he has to take them on holiday to do that then it might be something you need to discuss a proper budget for next year.

I was also expecting you to say your DP was going away for weeks or months (mine does) rather than for five days (is that right, Thursday to Monday?) I know that doesn't help you though, if you aren't used to being apart for any length of time then a few days apart can seem weird or more of a big deal than to people who are used to being apart for much longer.

I think in the situation you describe, I would be the one wanting to relax in bed by reading my book (in place of the iPad and the porn everyone seems to know your DP watches ) and my DH would be the one trying to kiss me and poking and prodding at me to distract me from it.

And if I'm totally honest with you, that would get on my nerves and make me much less likely to want to reciprocate, either right then or later on.

I would see that as him trying to stop me from doing what I was doing before I wanted to stop doing it. If that makes sense.

But if I want to read in bed I want to be left alone to get on with it. I don't want someone else deciding that it's time for me to have sex, or to kiss and cuddle or even to just turn the light out and go to sleep.

So I think you may be being a little unreasonable to expect him to stop what he was doing because you wanted him to stop. Your idea of making the effort is my idea of being pressured and it would have the opposite effect on me to the one you were hoping for with your DP.

From the other comments on here it sounds like you and your DP have bigger issues than him using the iPad in bed when you are in the mood for something else though.

Why didn't you talk to him? Something along the lines of, 'as it's our last night together for a few nights, I thought it would be nice if we could give each other a bit of attention. Could you put the iPad away?' How do you think he would have reacted if you had done that? My main concern here would be the lack of open communication. You seem to be bottling a fair bit up and not being open with him, which doesn't seem healthy.