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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Bloody Men! Fed up with father.

13 replies

GruffBillyGoat · 16/08/2013 05:25

My partner has just started a new job after 11 months unemployed, at the same time his new job began I was made redundant from my job and I have been looking for work since.

Yesterday my father visited, the kitchen was a mess (I was cleaning the entire house and it was my last room to clean so the mess from every other room had made its way to the kitchen to be sorted), and there is a large pile of garden rubbish on the drive way because I have attacked the gardens that my partner neglected for the past year and had to remove huge quantities of weeds, it will take at least 6 more full days of work and until I am finished there is no point clearing the mess.

Darling father, who I do love dearly, he just has a very set view of the world and not a sentimental bone in his body, immediately starts huffing and puffing about the state of the kitchen (ignoring the fact that I was cleaning it when he arrived), has a grumble about the mess on the drive (not a word about how good the gardens look, when he has been saying how much work it needs for ages) and essentially gives me a rark up about my obvious failures as a house wife. None of this pissed me off, it is par for the course.

What did put me into a rage was, after inquiring about how my job hunt is going (two weeks is far too long apparently) he said to me "you need to find a job Goat, it is not fair on DP to be the only one working."

Jobs are hard to find around here, and in the 3 years we have been dating I have been the sole earner for 3/4 of that time, yet it would never cross his mind that it was unfair for me to be the only one working. I can't help but feel like my dad prefers my boyfriend to me, am I being unreasonable to be hurt and pissed off by this comment? Should I say something to him about it?

OP posts:
thepig · 16/08/2013 06:00

All sounds a bit excusey and too perfect from your part.

Since when does having a job stop you from doing the garden? Or stop you making dp do the garden?

RememberingMyPFEs · 16/08/2013 06:24

YANBU - sounds like he wants to pick holes despite you being part way through doing something. I wonder if its cos he thinks highly of you and so holds high standard for you rather than preferring your BF though?

NadiaWadia · 16/08/2013 06:26

Your father is being unreasonable and over critical. Think you are going to have to have a word with him.

GruffBillyGoat · 16/08/2013 07:34

Thepig, I don't mean to make excuses and I obviously could have spent my spare time doing the jobs my dp was not or nagging him to do them, I am simply too pig headed and believe that as a grown man he should take the initiative and do these jobs himself.

Who does the cleaning and gardening is a whole other bag of worms, and would have made for a much longer OP.

The garden and kitchen were more to show my dad's standard attitude, and it is like water off a ducks back to me. However this specific comment hit deep and that is what I want advice about.

Thank you Nadia and Remembering, I will have to have a talk with him. He is rather defensive as a rule so kid gloves will be needed, he once jumped down my throat for asking how his wedding plans were going, turns out the step-siblings had been giving them grief and he couldn't yell at them so an innocent question from me became his chance to vent.

OP posts:
Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 16/08/2013 07:40

Hmm. So he feels free to criticise you, and does so regularly (you say it's 'par for the course') yet you have to be gentle with him? And I wonder why he can't complain to other people but can vent at you and point out all your faults?

You're becoming the person he can criticise to make himself feel better and more important. Not good. I wouldn't bother talking to him in advance as he will just get defensive. Next time he does it tell him you don't want to be criticised for no good reason and if he's going to carry on you would rather he left and came back when he's in a better mood.

JassyAlconleigh · 16/08/2013 07:51

He is rather defensive as a rule so kid gloves will be needed

Why?

You're an adult, so is he. Show him the same tact, understanding, support and respect he showed you.

That would be none.

You sound lovely doing all of that stuff, hope you enjoy your gorgeous garden and organised house and well done your DP!

GruffBillyGoat · 16/08/2013 07:52

I know I should speak up, but my role has always been the family fixer, I solve the conflicts not create them. He has been very good to us through this rough time in every other way, but his focus in life is entirely practical, an ex-farmboy who sees a problem and fixes it, emotions don't factor in.

It is not a matter of putting me down to make himself feel better, it is he sees our problem is no money, obvious solution I need to find work, therefore he pressures me to find work not thinking about his method very thoroughly.

Talking to him is the only way to get him to think about it, but you can't ignore feelings like that in life and he is actually quite sensitive, especially when it comes to family and I am the last person he expects to be airing a grievance when things with my mother and brother are strained as is. Though he is not estranged from DB they do get along, they are just far too alike.

OP posts:
GruffBillyGoat · 16/08/2013 07:53

He really is a great dad in every other way, he just doesn't think about the emotional side of situations.

OP posts:
Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 16/08/2013 08:13

Why are there problems between him and your mother and brother?

FriskyHenderson · 16/08/2013 08:27

If his focus in life is entirely practical, why would he just criticise the mess and not get stuck in with you clearing it?

JassyAlconleigh · 16/08/2013 08:28

my role has always been the family fixer, I solve the conflicts not create them

Might be worth reading a bit more about this subject, sounds like there is more to this than some weeds in the drive!

It's never to late to challenge and change your role in a family dynamic, especially if it causes you stress.

You don't need to tiptoe round your dad's feelings. You don't need to be rude but you are allowed to let him know when he's overstepped the mark and hurt yours.

CancellingTheApocalypse · 16/08/2013 08:32

Perhaps your father is just an old fashioned sexist.

Emilythornesbff · 16/08/2013 09:17

YANBU.
High criticism / low warmth parents can make you feel like shit.
I would challenge him, using a "nice comments" sandwich.
Good on you for sorting out the garden. I wish I had the motivation to do mine.

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