To want to poke eyes out when they ask if dad is involved.

[bananananacoconuts]

To cut a long story short. Ds is under assessment for Adhd and as. I have seen so many professionals and every time I am asked if dad is involved! I always say yes as he is, but WIBU to say he is a much better father now we are no longer together than when he was spending all his time shagging his tart! I feel so offended when they nod their heads when I tell them we're separated as if that's the answer to all ds's problems!

'They' would soon find something else to nod patronisingly about. Sad but true, blame the parenting tends to be the first resort. Not that you don't have to adjust your parenting of a DC with SN, but parenting doesn't cause AS or ADHD!

That would annoy me too!!!!!!!!! They have no right to judge you, yet it still happens. I had this for quite a while with my dc. I fell out with one friend when she claimed she would rather die than be a single parent, and that we were a drain on society!

I think you are probably projecting and making this about how you feel about being a single parent.

Any professional who needs to get to know a child to assess them for a medical or behavioural issue will need to be able to get a picture of the child's home life to be able to do their job properly. Parental relationships are pretty fundamental to children, so it's fair enough that they ask.

Fwiw, I was asked the same question when my ds was being assessed for Aspergers, and I'm not with his Dad. It's standard, it's not a judgement on you.

I have been on their parenting courses. I have had family support worker in my house every week for 10 weeks. I have done all they ask, and they are still not prepared to help because the man who is as useful as a chocolate fire guard doesn't grace us with his presence after work each night!

I don't think it's a personal judgement on me but we were at the gp again last night having completed another parenting course and he asked no questions other than is daddy in the picture? Why is that the ONLY question that needs to be asked. I wasn't asked anything about ds at all. Was just told to come back next week to see partner gp!

What BrokenSunglasses said.

They need to know exactly who is parenting the child.

they need the whole picture but it must be hard op for you. lots of sympathy.

It does seem to be a standard question. DS suffers from anxiety and OCD. I took him to an initial appointment a couple of months ago and they asked the same question. I replied, not very often and DS is really struggling with the lack of consistency and never knowing when he is coming back. (My thoughts are that his issues are a lot to do with the fact that his Dad disappears for ages without contact for weeks sometimes, then just turns up!)
However she brushed over this and then later asked DS, "is mum a worrier? You see often our parents can pass these things on to us!"
I couldn't believe it! I don't have mental health problems, and yes I do worry about my DS who won't eat, touch certain things or go into his GP's garden for fear it is contaminated! I think anyone would be worried about that!
It seems no matter what we do we are to blame!

As a parent who initially couldn't get ds a diagnosis, i totally agree with you.

I cope better then anyone else with ds now 8. Ds has ASD & ADHD. Yet, i had to prove i was parenting him appropriately...

Now i don't give a shiny shit was any hcp says as even his private special school with classes of 5 &1-1 support, struggle with ds.

Now my younger ds5 is being assessed, again its all very familiar...

I wonder if they ask this if the father is in the house, ie parents not separated. After all just because the father is there is doesn't always mean that they are involved with the children.

This is something that annoys me. The assumption that because there are both parents in the house that it's a better environment for the child regardless of what goes on in the house. I think it's better for 2 good parents in different house than 2 bad parents in the same house.

Yes shellbot, we are 2 great parents in 2 different houses. Separately we are a united front. Together we are a nit picky and resentful set of individuals!
We have never argued infront of the dc. Even as we separated, we announced that we are still best friends but daddy lives closer to work. My answer to the is dad involved question is now very much so but not from the same house!

My DS2 is often at appointments for his SN and as a younger child on our first visit to the various clinics we attend they asked us that question too. I asked a doctor friend once why they asked it and she said (amongst other things) that it was to find out what support the parents had. Some of my DS2's behaviour can be challenging sometimes and I have to support his school work very heavily at home. I would struggle to cope with his issues on my own (though I know many single parents who can and do).

At one appointment my DS's colouring (skin, hair) was commented on as it's quite unusual and very different to mine. The consultant asked if she could see a pic of his dad. I was and she noticed and she explained that it was because of a rare genetic syndrome that may be identified in this unusual colouring.

And what Broken Sunglasses said.

My answer to the is dad involved question is now very much so but not from the same house!

And that's all they want to know.

They're not judging you, they're just not mind readers and they have to get the full picture.

I'm going on now, i know i am, and i'n grateful for all your replies. I am just very annoyed that it seems to be the only question they ask. I wasn't asked a single question about ds or his anxieties in relation to his possible sn, just where is the father.
Thanks to worra. I hadn't thought that it was to see if i had any support, i'll bear that in mind next time i'm asked although they need to cut out the eye rolling when they hear that daddy has his own house!