To not enjoy being 'shouty mum'?

[Spookey80]

Me and dh, both quite chilled people in life.
But the last few months we have become the shouty family and I feel so down about it.
We have a 4yo and 2yo and they argue all the time and although we say we won't be like that we all seem to shout at each other, us at the kids, us at each other for shouting at the kids and me and him at each other because we are both thinking about different things and get annoyed at each other. I'm so tired of it.
To add in to the mix I'm now pregnant and thinking how the hell will I cope when there's another voice in the mix!?
How can we break this cycle?

No advice but you might enjoy reading the Orange Rhino blog about a mum who promised not to yell for a year.

Can I join your shouty mum club as my 4 and 2 year old are always fughting? I'm bad for shouting as I have a loud voice anyway. I've now adopted the 123 technique as ds1 is awful at listening. I ask them a couple of times in a nice regular voice to do something, if they don't listen or argue I loudly count to three - they have until I get to 3 to do as asked if not they get naughty step ect. It's cut out loads of shouting from me and the kids arguing back

Apologies in advance if any of these sound twee or unhelpful, just ideas.

You could try having "family meetings" once a week where everybody has a chance to air things which are bothering them and be listened to without interruption and then everyone tries to come up with a mutual solution. You can also share things you are proud of/pleased with and discuss future plans which affect everyone even if it's just planning a trip to the park or something (to make sure there's positive in there too!). To prevent talking over each other, have a rule that only the person holding the salt cellar is allowed to speak and they pass it on when they are ready.

Have some kind of generic consequence ready for when you feel yourself getting annoyed - banning TV works in this house but whatever works for you. Bonus points if it's not a battle to enforce. Yes, it is better to use logical/natural consequences/reasoning/preventing something from happening directly, but sometimes it's easier to have something to calmly threaten instead of losing it. Also praise for good behaviour, all the time. Just acknowledge it when they are doing things without conflict, they will take note.

Tiredness really doesn't help either - make sure you and DH are supporting each other in this, not engaging in "competitive tiredness" but instead offering each other naps, early nights or lie ins on the understanding that it will be reciprocated as and when the other needs it!

Also are you trying to do too much? Anything you can cut back on/simplify? A friend of mine gave me a tip for small children which is setting the day up to win, planning activities which are low-conflict rather than trying to achieve loads (or "do something nice") and getting stressed out.

Lastly the big one for me is actually trying to be aware of it in myself and if DS asks me to stop shouting for example then I try really hard to stop and apologise, admit I was wrong, and rephrase in a less shouty way. Doesn't always work immediately at the time but overall seems to help as he seems to become more aware of his own shouting too.

Is the house big enough to separate fighting siblings into two areas/rooms?

Another shouty mum here, also with a 4 year old and a 2 year old. I am worn out by the constant bickering and whinging and JUST NOT LISTENING TO A WORD I SAY. I try to keep a cool head but sometimes I just snap and roar at them. PMT doesn't help either. However, they also get plenty of hugs and kisses so I hope it all balances out in the end.

I'm currently reading how to be a happier calmer parent - or something like that, sorry am trapped under baby currently so I can't grab it. So far so good. I too have become rather more shouty than I like and dd is immune so it's a waste of time. Bog chapter on descriptive praise - about explaining carefully what they did and why it was good - rather than saying behave! which is, let's face it, vague at best and doesn't tell them what we expect. Early trials have been encouraging so am ploughing through the american speak. I'll try and come back with the title and author. Might have to google.

here it is

Tsc, I hear you. Dd has perfected a glassy stare, which from a 4 year old is really quite disturbing. I have named it the La La La I can't hear you stare.

I am another shouty mum and dp is a shouty dad. We have short tempers anyway and dd2 and dd3 (3 and 5) can be nightmares especially at bedtime. I found the way not to shout at them tonight during our hour long bedtime was to swallow it down and ignore them but that made me cry
We have started a 'naughty corner' which is working with dd2 for now

snap op, I shout far too much,

not good, and it doesn't improve discipline.

its often more about how you are feeling.

Oh god I can so empathise with this. Dd1 (5) and dd2 (3) are going g through a fab friends or bitter enemies phase. The fighting, telling tales, overreacting, winding each other up sends me mental!!!

Then the not doing what I ask, dear god why does nobody listen to me ( I wail whilst noone listens). I try the counting to 3 thing and it just results in hysterical screaming and crying "no, don't count, I hate it when you count ". But they only listen WHEN I YELL! WHY?!!

It has also made dh a shouty dh, which I never saw happening as he used to be so relaxed he was horizontal ( we all saw it happening with hot tempered blows up, then forgets about it me ...)

..... And meanwhile poor ds (11 mths), good natured little soul that he is, just looks bewildered at us all, which makes me feel bad.

Ohhelp I find it harder with DP around. He is too quick to shout but then he says I am too quick to shout. If we are alone with them it is easier as you know your in charge and the little blighters don't play you off against each other

Ohhelp I think this is extremely common, I find the same, when there's more than one of you, they are not quite sure who is in charge and seek to exploit the differences. I find I am more relaxed on my own as I don't spend time trying to mind what my husband is doing as well as the children. I really wish I was more chilled.

I shout, I've tried to stop. It doesn't work. It ends in bloodshed where someone has pushed someone over, landed on head, cut lip etc.

Therefore the only comfort I can take is shouty mum = no bloodshed.

God I am crap at the moment. I know I shouldn't shout and rant, but they would fecking kill each other if I didn't rant.

The book "Playful Parenting" (ignore the naff title) is really helping me relax and diffuse potentially shouting situations in our house.

I just realised that I posted a whole load of stupid smug sounding suggestions without saying, yep, I am a shouter, and not proud of it. I hate it and it doesn't help. These are basically things that have either helped me shout less or I think sound like a good idea but haven't been able to put into practice for some reason or other.

Hello, my name is Nation and I too am a shouty parent.

DS1 is 6, DS2 is 3.5 and the noise levels are horrific! They do play a lot but they also fight, squabble, tell tales, fight, tell tales, fight. It's all so exhausting. We also have a small DS3 who's only 7 months, I dread to think what this house will be like when they're 9, 6 and 3. I might be in The Priory by then......

Another shout mum of 3 dc - 11. 7 and 5

I seem to have been shouting for bloody years and I don't like me for it

I also find it less stressful on my own - unless do has taken one or 2 o them out - divide and rule is getting me through.

Now all 3 are at primary school it is possibly the easiest they will be. I said this to do who said "really??? Oh shit"

We use the step a lot. Not so much as a ' naughty step', just somewhere to seperate them straight away. I tend to just tell them to go sit there so I can talk to them. Then after I have calmed down enough that I am not going to shout, I can calmly explain to them why we dont do xyz.

Can I join in? I promise not to shout.

I'm a shouty mum of 3 DCs, 4, 2 and 3 mths. They ignore me, I shout more, they ignore me more. I am seriously at the end of my tether, I'm just so wound up all the time. And exhausted.

Just read joiningthegang's post and sobbed. I'm counting the days till they're all at school, please don't tell me it gets worse.

I find it WAY more stressful on my own. I am liable to get wound up whereas DP seems to rise above it. He will also step in when I am getting frustrated and don't feel like there's anything I can do to help the situation (which is usually what makes me shout!)

DS has also morphed into me as a teenager, ie, won't stop to listen to any suggestion of help, gets irrational bodily RAGE at being prevented from doing or saying something, hates it when he isn't being listened to, hates it even more when someone steps away and refuses to engage. He is not yet five. I dread to think what his actual teenage years will be like!

However I am finding being aware of this helps, so I am more likely now to let him finish what he is saying rather than cutting in with an answer or to finish his sentence for him. This has helped a lot with the situation where he shouts because he's not getting heard and I shout louder because he needs to hear me and he shouts louder, throws things etc. Doesn't mean he always likes my reply but it's helped!

Phoebelaura - not worse..... Different

And most certainly much easier that 2,3 and 7

But still a bit / lot shouty - thank goodness we live in a detached house!