Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To be pissed off at dsd's mother

25 replies

Fairy130389 · 14/08/2013 14:31

I realise that I probably am BU.
dsd lives with dh and I. Contact with her mum is sporadic. Sometimes once a week, sometimes once a month, once nothing for nearly 3 months. Not even a text. She does not pay a penny and never has, nor oes she contribute in 'materials' like uniform etc. she once remarked 'I couldn't have her more often, she's a greedy little pig and eats me out of house and home'...

Anyway. Dsd wanted to find her mum on fb. Couldn't find her so googled and found twitter. Twitter tag line is along the lines of 'my daughter is my life, I work my arse off to provide for her - big up working mums'.

I realise this is her trying to make herself feel better but I feel physically sick with anger now - it is dh and I that provide for her daughter whilst she lets her down constantly.

Aibu to be so angry? Maybe I should have more compassion

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 14/08/2013 14:33

ouch

but i'm not sure what you can do

KellyHopter · 14/08/2013 14:34

Compassion? Nah...
But just step away, you're doing something good and she is clearly useless - give her as little thought as possible.
Poor dsd though.

QueenofallIsee · 14/08/2013 14:37

You do not owe the woman a single compassionate thought! but you do owe your DSD a strong female role model as she is so let down by the biological one, therefore let the woman delude herself and others and move on x

Icelollycraving · 14/08/2013 15:20

I have no idea about twitter,can you like her post like on Fb?

squoosh · 14/08/2013 15:39

YANBU to feel angry.

She doesn't give a hoot about her daughter but still needs to portray herself to the world as a great Mum. Pathetic.

Don't waste your energy on her though.

livinginwonderland · 14/08/2013 15:41

YANBU to be angry, but like squoosh says she's not worth your anger. DSD will learn the truth for herself as she grows up.

runningonwillpower · 14/08/2013 15:44

Be reassured - the people who know her well won't be fooled by that for a minute.

HoneyDragon · 14/08/2013 15:45

This is where Mumsnet is really handy. FGS vent here do it doesn't affect current relationships in RL

And

mrsjay · 14/08/2013 15:50

your poor dsd what an idiot her mother is this woman is leaving her daughter out in the cold yet ^bigging her self up on the internet , she doesnt deserve compassion really she doesn't you sd had a good family who care about her,

Annianni · 14/08/2013 15:54

I could have written your post op, except my dsd's mother doesn't work and claims to never have any money she manages to buy alcohol and cigarettes though

My advice is to ignore it, and don't look online for her again.

How old is your dsd?

Mine's 16 and just starting to realise what her mother's like.

MaxPepsi · 14/08/2013 16:02

She sounds like my SIL

She has 50/50 access with my brother.

Plays it up on FB about what a fantastic mother she is, how she does this, does that with them, spends xy&z on them. When in reality when it's her 'turn' to have them she sits them in front of the TV and ignores them and refuses to spend any money at all on them and relies on the generosity of the doting grandparents to pick up the bill every time.

Really winds me up, however I have kept my mouth firmly shut and people are begining to see she is full of shit, including her own children who so long as they see her for an hour or so every couple of days they prefer to spend time with their dad!

PurpleRayne · 14/08/2013 16:03

Was it your DSD who found her on twitter?

MissStrawberry · 14/08/2013 16:09

Is it a current tweet or was it written when she was working and had custody of the child?

youarewinning · 14/08/2013 16:09

It's annoying isn't it?

My XMIL does this - takes pictures of my DS off FB and posts things such as my gorgeous talented grandson. She's not seen him in a year and hasn't even made the effort when she's come to the UK to come and see him. Her son doesn't make the effort either.
I no longer put anything on FB.

I agree that you DSD will work things out for herself - she probably already has and you just have to listen and nod along. I know it's hard when you want to point out they are a waste of space and you can't!

sparechange · 14/08/2013 16:14

MissStrawberry On a twitter account, you have your Twitter name, and then underneath, a little summary of you.
That is where she has described herself as some sort of perfect mother...

lola88 · 14/08/2013 16:30

My sister says all the time to people 'i've been a single mum since i was 18 it's hard doing everything alone' when in actual fact I provided for her financially buying all her clothes and paying nursery fee's while Dsis drank her benefits and between my mum and myself we have more or less brought her up keeping her for weeks at a time some times. It makes me want to kill her that she knows the truth but still wants the world to think she's super mum.

StuntGirl · 14/08/2013 16:33

I have a family member who does exactly this too. It's a pathetic kind of delusion, just ignore and your step daughter will realise the truth eventually. She's lucky to have you and her dad.

MissStrawberry · 14/08/2013 16:46

sparechange - maybe when she wrote that she was providing for her child.

squoosh · 14/08/2013 16:58

The OP says she has never provided for the child.

ReginaPhilangie · 14/08/2013 17:13

I've been exactly where you are OP, and I know how infuriating and upsetting it is. Try and rise above it though. And just know that when your DSD grows up she will see her mum for who she really is and will appreciate you and your DH all the more.

My DSD's mum is exactly the same. I could have written the OP myself. My DSD is grown up now, she refers to me and DH as her parents, and her mum as her "birth mother". That tells you all you need to know.

RubyrooUK · 14/08/2013 18:19

I understand how upsetting it is. But your DSD will know what her mother is like (even though she may defend her to the hilt) and she will know you are her constant. This will be true even more so as she grows into adulthood and questions why her mum didn't see her/text her/call her.

For me, being a good parent is being the constant one. I know my mum would always be there for me; it is a security that has got me through many dark times. Being the constant one doesn't get many thanks, sadly, and you don't need to advertise it as it is apparent to everyone.

So don't let this eat away at you. You and your DH don't need to advertise your parenting as you are getting on with it every day.

Original poster

Fairy130389 · 14/08/2013 20:42

Thank you. I thought I might get flamed for not considering what might have driven her to write such a ridiculous statement.

Strawberry, she has never provided for her. Dsd has lived with dh and his parents since she was one full time, but he was having her 4 nights a week by 6 months old, all the while she was charging him £200 per month in maintenance.

She is now 8. She does absolutely idolise mummy but I think she is starting to realise what she is really like, sadly. She missed her birthday this year after promising faithfully that she would be there and when I tried the usual 'I'm sure mummy is just very busy and sad that she couldn't make it' dsd just glared at me and said she didn't care anyway. It is so so sad. That realisation that your parents aren't perfect is horrible and shouldn't happen at 8.

OP posts:

Pimpf · 14/08/2013 20:50

Your poor dsd. My natural dad was/is like that. I can't lie, it is shitty and still affects me, but my step dad is my real dad. He's the one that has always been there for me.

When I was younger, I idolised my natural dad, I realised about the age of 13 what a tossed is was/is

MikeOxard · 14/08/2013 22:10

Can you reply? Maybe along the lines of 'Excellent, we are so pleased to hear this. Do let us know when you will be making the first financial contribution in 7.5 years of being a non-resident parent...'

In reality you have to ignore and be the bigger person, but yanbu to be mightily fucked off about it.

lunar1 · 14/08/2013 22:11

I occasionally peek at twat face (bio dad) and his vile wife's facebook pages and the crap on them is unreal. Its full of shit about child protection and improving the lives of vulnerable children and the importance of family values. the hipocracy of it makes me feel sick.

It might not be much comfort now but when she grows up she will see the truth. I see what my step dad did for me and he is an amazing person. At least she has you and her dad parenting her.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread