To be upset about something that happened years ago?? Sorry it's long!

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Rewind to about 4 years ago. DS (my first) was just a baby and I was really struggling to keep on top of things at home. It was causing arguements with DH who was getting fed up of coming home after a long day in the office to a messy house.

After about a year of this I broached the subject of maybe getting a cleaner. It was met with a flat 'NO', as at the time we didn't really have a lot of disposable income. This was a fair point, but he also added that I SHOULD be able to keep on top of things myself and then, the killer line..."My mum managed it and she had 3 children". Note - when his DB was a baby, the he and his other brother were 14 and 15 so were very capable of contributing themselves and his dad is very tidy so did a lot around the house, so this was a bit of an unfair comment.

DH and I weren't really getting on at the time and these comments really upset me and made me feel like I wasn't doing a good enough job and like I was a bit of a failure. But we kept plodding on and as DS got older things got easier.

Anyway, now we have DD, who has just turned 1, and I'm finding it really difficult again to keep a tidy house and it's really getting me down. So once again I brought the subject up of a cleaner and DH said absolutely yes and we're in a better position financially and can afford it this time. I'm really pleased. But when we were chatting last night about it emerged that not only did he have a cleaner before we met, but GET THIS...his mum DID have a cleaner when his DB was a baby!!

My mind just keeps going back to the conversation 4 years ago when he made me feel like shit because I wasn't managing and compared me with his perfect mum when all the time he KNEW bloody well that she did have help, despite having 2 teenage sons and husband to help.

I did bring that point up with him last night but in a quite light-hearted way, but actually now I can't stop thinking about it and how he made me feel back then and I'm quite upset about it.

I will add here (as I'm sure the above will sound like he does nothing around the house) DH does do a lot . He does pull his weight but it's usually just at weekends as he works long hours during the week. He really doesn't treat me like skivvy, but as I'm a SAHM most of the day-to-day household chores do fall on me.

AIBU to be dwelling on this and letting it upset me? Should I have a proper chat with him about it or do I just leave it...it was 4 years ago after all and at a time when we were bickering a lot.

Oh dear, your post has made me feel so sad Op. I can imagine just how upset you would have been. My DH said something similar to me several years ago and I still brood over it from time to time.

Talk to him.

Oh I can see how you would be bothered by that. I would sit him down and explain that what he said made you feel like shit and finding out that his mum had a cleaner now has made you even more upset. I'd also tell him to take it seriously and that he better not laugh it off.

Does he often lie to make a point or ensure he is always 'right'? If it was a one off I would let it lie, but is sound like something is niggling at you.

Is this part of a wider pattern of behaviour and hence that's why it's upsetting you so much? If so, perhaps it is time to tackle this properly. On the other hand, if it's a leftover from that bad patch in your life, you need to let it go and just be glad that you can finally get the cleaner you need.

No Betty, he doesn't. He's a good man and a wonderful husband and father and I love him dearly. But, we were going through a rough patch and arguing a lot. He was very stressed about work and money so perhaps my timing of asking about getting cleaner wasn't great, but I was so sick of our arguments about the mess and feeling like I couldn't cope that I felt a bit desperate. But why he felt the need to lie on this occasion to make his point, I don't know. As I said in my OP, the fact that we didn't have much disposable income would have been a perfectly good reason without adding that sting to it.

If it was a one off, let it go.

Oh I can imagine exactly how you are feeling. My DH and I went through that exact patch after our DS was born 2 years ago. He also said something very similar to me about how his DM coped with 2 children as a single mum and a part time job. It floored me that he felt it OK to compare me and how I was (or was not...) coping with keeping on top of the washing/cleaning and ironing. His family and the DMIL always go on about how they are so clean and tidy and fastidious.

Fast forward 2 years and I am entirely over the comment, because the in laws came to live with us for a few months. Clean? Maybe. Tidy? No. She is identical to my DH. She knows how to clean something when needed but is amazingly messy. Never puts anything away behind her, cups left everywhere, makes food and leaves everything out, leaves clothes on the airers for days and then in piles about the house for even longer. The 'domestic goddess' description that my DH had described and I held myself in comparison to, was completely banished and I was at peace.

Another feel good factor was the fact we ended up hiring their cleaner last year. She regularly told me that our house was much tidier than the DMIL and much easier for her to do her job without all the clutter!

If it is something that is really upsetting you still, maybe mention it, just don't let it fester and pop up in an argument. Despite all of the above and living with them again, my DH still believes his mum is the tidiest and cleanliest person he ever met and she is very firmly on that pedestal. Men can be rather irrational when it comes to their mothers and could it be perhaps that is what it was rather than him intentionally lying to make you feel worse? I just take comfort that maybe one day my DS will be preaching that I was a super mum... Probably not though :)

Gruntfuttocks, no I wouldn't say it's part of a wider pattern of behaviour. I guess it's just that because we're back in that similar position - baby, messy house, more bickering than usual (though not nearly the level we were last time) - I'm thinking back to that bad period more than usual. And I remember that conversation/argument so well as it just stung so much at the time. And I remember that because I was feeling so low at the time I didn't really stick up for myself...I just took it which I regret.

Wibblytummy, thank you. I think you are right about men putting their mum's on pedestals! It could maybe be endearing sometimes...but not when we get compared with them!

Sounds like it was a throwaway comment to him and he had forgotten about it until you bought it up.
I think you should leave it now though as he has agreed to a cleaner this time but next time he compares you unfavourably to his mother you should send him back to live with her again!!!

If it was a one off throw away comment I would try to forget about it. I just don't think men realise how much work goes in to 'keeping' a house.