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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad asking for an extra night added his fortnightly weekend with son, meaning my son would be home just an hour before the school day starts.

31 replies

MumForever08 · 14/08/2013 12:57

I'm new to this and not sure if I'm putting this is the right section but here goes.. My son has fortnightly visits with dad (Friday evening until Sunday eve) Son starts primary in Sept and dad is asking for an extra sleep.. Returning son home on the Monday morning before school around 7:30am. I have multiple problems with this.. 1st my son was always terribly grumpy and a nightmare to get to nursery on a Monday after spending the weekend with his dad.. He was on afternoons at Nursery so it was somewhat manageable.. But if son was to return home just an hour/hour and a half before he's due to be in school it will all be far to rushed in my opinion.. No good for my son at all.. And after spending the weekend away is it really fair to expect him to spend just an hour of rushing around at home before he's carted off out the door again.. I imagine he will just spend the entire school day desperate to get back home, spend some time with his mummy and little brother and play with his toys.. And then there is the problem that my son doesn't actually WANT to spend extra time at his dads.. I usually give in to dads demands as confrontations with him have always made me literally tremble :( But I feel strongly about this.. Regardless of the fact it's a bad idea (in my opinion) to begin with son doesn't WANT too. And if I say 'No' it will of course be because I'm trying to keep dad and son apart Angry I always encourage my son to spend time with his dad so this is not the case. Am I being unreasonable.. Is this actually not such a bad idea Hmm ...?

Ps: On top of fortnightly weekend my son also has holiday contact with dad 7 sleeps during the summer, 5 sleeps during Easter.. Extra nights during half terms.. Extra for Christmas. And other occasions.. Family's birthdays etc.

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 14/08/2013 12:59

Why can't he drop of ds at school?

Original poster
MumForever08 · 14/08/2013 12:59

He has to get to work himself.

OP posts:
HeySoulSister · 14/08/2013 13:00

What do you mean 'he doesn't want to'??

You've asked him outright?

MaxPepsi · 14/08/2013 13:01

Get your Ex to take him directly to school.

If he says no, then say fine he comes back the usual time.

MaxPepsi · 14/08/2013 13:02

He needs to speak to his employer then and say due to childcare he needs to come in late.

HeySoulSister · 14/08/2013 13:02

Breakfast club then....

StuntGirl · 14/08/2013 13:03

Staying the extra night is no problem as long as your ex drops him off at school in the morning. Otherwise it's not practical for your son.

Original poster
MumForever08 · 14/08/2013 13:04

Whenever I suggest son to have an extra sleep at his dads or go spend the day with dad he more often than not doesn't want to. I haven't actually asked him if he wants an extra sleep every time no.

OP posts:
soontobeslendergirl · 14/08/2013 13:05

I would say "not yet" rather than "No" at this point.

Your son needs to be settled into school with a good routine of a Monday morning before he is then expected to stay over. Your son may have changed his mind in a few months.

It would also get on my wick that he wants to keep him over but still expects you to do the school run. That is not on imo.

If he wants an extra night, why cant he do a mid week night on th eweek he doesn't have him?

crumpeteater · 14/08/2013 13:08

If DS spends Sunday night at his dad's then it's dad's job to get him to school on Monday. How he organises that isn't your problem. On that basis the extra night doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

edam · 14/08/2013 13:08

Agree with everyone else, if your ex wants Sunday night, it's his responsibility to drop ds at school Monday morning, or sort out appropriate childcare. Just as it's your responsibility on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday!

If your ex won't/can't take ds to school/hand over your son to breakfast club or childminder who will drop off, then he can't have him overnight on Sunday.

Can't really comment on your ds not wanting to go. I think it's unusual for a weekend visit to be overnight Sunday, would be interested to see what other MNers think.

mynewpassion · 14/08/2013 13:08

I think if you agreed to an extra night it should be at the start of the school year. Becomes routine. If he can't do school run then should be a no.

kitsilano · 14/08/2013 13:09

Is there a special reason his dad wants the extra night?

Am I right that this is your son's first ever day of school? Could this have anything to do with the request for the extra night? Ie your ex feels excluded or something?

Original poster
MumForever08 · 14/08/2013 13:09

Yes I'm thinking "Not yet" also and yes.. Son probably will change his mind very soon.

OP posts:
mrsjay · 14/08/2013 13:10

if he wants an extra sleepover he needs to take his son to school why is it your responsibility to deal with a grumpy boy at 7 30 am while he swans off, say yes of course but you need to get him to school dont be responsible for his days ,

edam · 14/08/2013 13:10

actually just seen soontobe's post, agree ds needs to be settled in his new school before this is even a possibility, and a mid-week night in the week ex does not have ds may be more sensible.

fuzzywuzzy · 14/08/2013 13:11

You need to put it in writing and tell him as he wants DS for an extra night being a school night he will need to do Monday morning school drop offs, not bring him to you.

If this is not possible then a school night really is not practical for him.

And don't let him upset you either.

honeytea · 14/08/2013 13:14

I think you should ask your ex to organise dropping ds at school on Monday morning.

Alternatively could you say ex has ds ever Friday night and every other Saturday, or even every weekend, ex's home should also be ds's home.

Breakfast club would be a good idea, or ex asking to start work late.

It's great that your ds's dad wants to see him more often.

RenterNomad · 14/08/2013 13:17

Lraving aside the question of DS's.not wanting extra time, what about starting the contact time on Thursday? Then, when he gets comments ftom school about being overtired, take it back to the original number of nights, starting either Thursday or Friday, with his dad presumably habing to pay for and collect from a CM on Thurs.

Monday morning has got to be out if the question, for everyone's sakes.

Runningchick123 · 14/08/2013 13:18

If he can't manage the school run then it has to be a no. But could you compromise and give him an extra couple of nights access during the school holidays?

oscarwilde · 14/08/2013 13:19

In that case tough - he should do the drop off on Monday morning or drop him back at a sensible time on Sunday evening [7pm?]which is probably the actual issue in the first place.
Everyone can be a bit late for work every other Monday with a bit of planning and negotiation in the workplace. If you are doing 9 other drop offs and pick ups on a fortnightly basis then ask him "to look in your bothered bag"
Vis your point on your son not actually wanting to - that's trickier at his age.

I don't get your point personally. How is a reception level child spending materially more time at school than at nursery he will just spend the entire school day desperate to get back home?

If things with your ex are difficult, I would be all sweetness and light and say to him "that's no problem at all but you have to do the drop off at school and pay for the breakfast club which starts at 8am. Please wash and iron his uniform from Friday ready for Monday morning, provide a packed lunch made to school guidelines and make sure he has a bath and washes his hair on Sunday night". Grin Make the point that he can't send him straight into breakfast club until he has been there X days and has settled in at school so for the first few clubs he will need to walk him to the door and sign him in.

Faced with the reality of additional Sunday night work and getting a tired and grumpy child up for school on Monday morning, plus a chat with an employer I suspect your ex will either back off or trial it for a few weeks and rapidly reassess how much sleep your child is getting on a weekend.
Unfortunately I don't see the level of contact as excessive and while your son might not want the extra night at his Dad's it is difficult not to agree to it. Perhaps mentioning that he doesn't seem keen at the moment and maybe it would be better to introduce it later when he is settled at school might be a good plan.

Dackyduddles · 14/08/2013 13:21

I think he should be home the night before on good time for first day of school.

I also think dad could go in late come over and see him off with you on first day. Bit idealistic but why not?

HappyMummyOfOne · 14/08/2013 13:21

Sorry OP but you make it sound like he has him loads already but add up the days and you have way more time with your son than he does. Its great he wants more and you should be encouraging it.

See if breakfast club is an option but dropping him off in the morning to yours is not the end of the work if it allows you both to get to work on time.

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 14/08/2013 13:21

I agree with the other posters.

Having the extra night on the weekend should come with responsibility for the school run - whether that is done through a breakfast club or a change to his working hours. I don't think it is that unusual for a weekend to be like this - Friday after school until Monday start of school. My DS stays with his father Friday through to Monday morning on those long weekends, and my DSSs have the same arrangement with both parents.

YANBU not to want to deal with the hour between drop off and school start. YANBU that the arrangement being proposed isn't fair to all concerned.

I would say he can only have the extra night if he ensures DS goes to school. Depending on the child I might also suggest that it should be trialled after Christmas as starting school in September, the first term are change enough and tiring without a change in the routine too.

JenaiMorris · 14/08/2013 13:25

'After Christmas' would be a reasonable response. Settling into school is a big deal - a an extra night plus starting big school is a bit much.