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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider getting an au pair/babysitter, even though I SAH?

21 replies

stopgap · 14/08/2013 12:20

I currently work two days a week, but am planning to take a year off after DC2 is born.

I live overseas, have no family help, and husband works incredibly long hours. Right now I use a babysitter two days a week while I work, and we use her three evenings a week for dates, gym visits etc.

Am I being unreasonable to want a sitter every afternoon, maybe 1-7, while I have a two-year-old and newborn at home? From reading threads on here, I think an extra pair of hands would be wonderful for the first year.

Here are the reasons why:

--I developed an autoimmune condition after DC1, which I know will go haywire for at least six months after the birth. Having the extra help will enable me to nap at least a few days a week.

--Most of the toddler classes around here do not allow second children of another age to attend. DC1 will turn two next week, leaving him ineligible for preschool in September (I'm in NYC, where the "two's programs" are for kids 2.4 and up, and generally involve two sessions of two hours; nurseries are rare as hen's teeth, and the few that exist have waiting lists years long). I think it will be healthy for him to have activities to attend, at least two afternoons a week, either with me or the babysitter.

--Selfish reason. I love to exercise. I've worked out for the last twenty years, and have a nice routine going now (gym 3-4 times a week), which I don't want to give up. Right now I do evenings or sometimes time a gym visit with my son's nap, although I can't imagine he'll be taking his afternoon nap for much longer.

--Going to the dentist, doctor etc. will be impossible with two young children, as they'd need to go in a taxi with me to get there, and while other friends do it, I don't like young kids sitting on laps without car seats.

So what do you think? Horribly self-indulgent or a good idea?

OP posts:

Thatballwasin · 14/08/2013 12:27

It's a great idea. My friend had three under three and did this as she knew it was the best way for her to stay on top of things and keep sane! Go for it, it would make your life so much easier and there is no one there to give you a medal for going without help!

2children2cats · 14/08/2013 12:29

If you can afford it then I say go for it. Don't underestimate how exhausting 2 children is, particularly if there is a realistic chance you might be quite poorly!

MortifiedAdams · 14/08/2013 12:31

YEs, it is a great idea! One thing I would say is have the babysitter mind baby and toddler in relatively equal measures so you get one on one time with both dcs. A Mothers Help might be a good addition to your household - so a bit of light housework or prepping dinner included.

Lj8893 · 14/08/2013 12:32

If you can afford it, go for it!

melonribena · 14/08/2013 12:35

Absolutely go for it! I'm sure lots of people would love it if they could comfortably afford it!
I agree with the previous poster who suggested ensuring you spend equal time with each child

fabergeegg · 14/08/2013 13:53

Yes! It's a superb idea. There is no rule that says you have to do it all on your own. I have a Mother's Help for fifteen hours each week and it is the best decision we have made for our family, even though we have just one DD. It means that there is another person to play games with DD and give her fresh quality time. She likes our helper though - that's a must.

I don't think women were ever meant to go it alone. Just look at the PND rates in our culture compared to cultures where women work together to care for their children. If you're living overseas, then this is as close as you're likely to get to that. Also, older siblings can become disorientated and time-starved when a new baby comes on the scene. While a helper is not a substitute for your attention, having one-on-one time to do age appropriate activities is a great kindness to your child during the adjustment period. It may also help you to stay chilled and patient, which can only be to the good!

If you have a helper from the culture you're living in, that can only be beneficial for your baby's adjustment to living in two worlds. If you have a helper from your home country, that can also be helpful because it's another link with the life you'll be returning to one day.

I would stop asking advice or opinions, just do it and ignore everyone else's responses.

crabbiepattie · 14/08/2013 13:57

If I could have afforded it I really would have got a mothers help/live out nanny. Might hve saved me from a nervous breakdown and PND!!

whois · 14/08/2013 14:01

Oh not U at all! If you can afford it and don't mid an AP living with you.

BlehPukeVomit · 14/08/2013 14:35

What are you waiting for...

Please, please don't try to justify this. As long as you can afford it it is a great idea even if you didn't have the reasons that you have given.

It would also be a lovely opportunity for an Au Pair.

I am sure you could manage without an Au Pair but if you have the space and money for one I would go for it.

Good luck.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/08/2013 14:37

No YABU because I'm really jealous.

HRHLadyG · 14/08/2013 14:43

Exercise is absolutely NOT a selfish reason for needing time. You are keeping healthy which makes you a better parent and sets a great example for your children. Life can difficult enough without denying yourself help when its available.
Some people may make negative judgments but this is your life not theirs and must be lived as is right for you! x

Weegiemum · 14/08/2013 14:46

I had a "Mother's Help" from when I was pg with dd2 for 3 years. It was fantastic - I justified it to myself as I was unwell in the pregnancy (dd1 was at nursery in the mornings, ds was just 13 months).

Isabel came twice a week for 4 hours, did housework, took me places like to the doctor, looked after children, picked dd1 up from nursery. A real godsend! When I was air ambulanced to a big hospital at the end of my pregnancy, she took the dc to hers for 3 days until dh could arrange a place to stay and time off work. She wouldn't take a penny.

7 years on we're still in touch regularly. We lived a long way from family and I don't have contact with my mother, and she really became my family there.

RinseAndRepeat · 14/08/2013 15:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HaroldLloyd · 14/08/2013 15:12

Best idea ever!

ConfusedPixie · 14/08/2013 16:29

You'll want a mother's help or shared care nanny. An au pair live's in. A sitter implies it's an evening gig and as a nanny it riles me up to be called a sitter or au pair.

Well worth doing as long as you can afford it, it'll be a great job for a new nanny too as it's difficult to get positions when starting out.

You'll possibly have to employ them as well if it'll be regular from 1-7, so ensure that you factor that into calculations.

ConfusedPixie · 14/08/2013 16:30

& an au pair is a foreign girl over here to learn English and shouldn't work too many hours or with little ones I should have added.

RobinSparkles · 14/08/2013 16:47

Go for it! Sod what anybody else thinks! I would if I could.

MrsDarylDixon · 14/08/2013 16:53

YANBU at all

We still sent dd1 to the childminder 3 days a week when dd2 was born (she'd been there full time until I went on mat leave). I needed a bit of one-to-one time with dd2, and dd1 needed more attention and activities than I could sometimes provide with a new baby in tow. Plus she benefited from the company of children her own age.

If you can afford it I think you'd be mad not to.

Tailtwister · 14/08/2013 18:23

YANBU, I think it would be a great idea!

There's no reason why you should have to stop doing the things which are important to you (exercise) and if your DH works long hours you'll need some down time.

HahaHarrie · 14/08/2013 19:30

Regardless of the reasons - go for it!

I wish I had one but alas - finances!

Ericaequites · 14/08/2013 19:30

If you can afford it, go for it!

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