I know how you love a good 'what to do for Christmas' thread in August.

[LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy]

Yes, it is months away. However.

My parents are in many ways bonkers and irritating, but one of their very good qualities is that they have always encouraged us to set up our own Christmas traditions and not feel we have to go to them. As children, we never did the big 'extended family at grandma's' thing on Christmas day. In addition, my mum has a tendency to go screaming abdabs because she stresses out over it all, but won't delegate because she 'enjoys' it. So, since DH and I moved in together, we have always done Christmas day at ours, just the two of us, and gone up to see them on Boxing day for a family meal. Older DB has gone to his wife's family since he got married (as they live in a different country and she sees less of her parents), and younger DB and his partner alternate between my parents and hers as they all live within a few miles of each other.

Got it?

In addition, my DH is Russian Orthodox, celebrates Christmas on January 7th, and is in the middle of the Advent fast on the 25th - so isn't eating meat or milk products. He gets a dispensation to have a meat meal with us, but it's not his holiday.

This year, older DB have decided that it's time DN (two and a bit) sees an English Christmas, so they're going to my parents, which is of course lovely.

Should this make me feel obligated to go too - not just for Boxing day and a day or two after, as normal, but for Christmas Eve/Christmas Day/a bit longer?

On the pro side, my DN is, obviously, lovely and great fun, I can tell my mum thinks I should come, and DB clearly assumes that now he's said he'll be there, everyone else will too.

On the negative side, I know DH will feel like it's a very long time with them, and I will get stressed because they drive me nuts in large doses, and I don't hugely like the precedent that we're all going to do big family Christmases if small children are involved, because I have kinda noticed how that works on MN. My mum will get stressed about what to feed DH - there's not an easy way around this, because if I say he'll just eat what he can of normal meals, she feels guilty because the whole point is she wants to feed everyone huge, lavish meals.

What do you reckon?

I wouldn't go for Christmas Day if it was me, I'd just stick to the normal plans

Go but stay in child friendly hotel nearby ( unless your parents live in an 8 bedroom house!)

We don't have kids.

There is plenty enough room at my parents' for all of us - my parents extended their house after we all left home (sorry, I know, I'm drip feeding ). So obviously they do like a houseful. It's just not usually been for Christmas.

I think you should just stick to what you normally do every year,have christmas day just you and DH and go to your mums boxing day,I'm assuming your DB will still be there and I'm sure (if you're taking presents) DN will love having a 2 days of opening presents so I wouldn't feel obligated to be there on the day/day before or longer than normal just because DB has decided on having christmas here this year.

You haven't said you will be there christmas day,if your family assume otherwise without actually asking you then that's their look out. Just make it clear to DM and DB that you won't be changing your usual festive routine,you will round on boxing day as usual :)

Christmas is for enjoying yourself, I've never been into the whole Christmas stress thing since a disastrous day with the IL's many years ago when frankly I would have cheerfully left DH because of his family! Go on Boxing Day as usual.

Whew.

Sounds as if I am not being totally heartless, then.

You're all very reassuring.

I quite like the idea of staying in a lovely hotel and visiting on Christmas day, but not being obliged to do the whole thing.

I'm also quite envious that you have managed to get Christmas, in your own home, just you and dh - I always have to do the full on Christmas with family thing because dh is an only child and my mum loves having all the family over (and my kids love it). But I would really love, just once, to have Christmas without feeling obligated to have people over.

Anyway, I think you should do what you want to do - just because your db has deigned to grace everyone with his presence I don't think that automatically means you should have to change your plans!

Yeah, I think you possibly put your finger on it there! I do love my DB, and he is very sweet with his DD, but he is terrible for thinking that, if you possibly ever had the chance to see her, you would only pass it up for reasons of extreme incapacitation/cast-iron work commitments.

I know I am very lucky we've had Christmas on our own. That's why I thought I might be being a bit selfish. It is something I really appreciate from my parents - they have always been clear about it.

YABU, it's August!!!. Enjoy the lovely summer!!. x

Have everyone over to yours at the point where they are all sick to their back teeth of Christmas leftovers and cabin fever is setting in, maybe three or four days after Christmas. Stay away until then.

I would do it just the once

I think seeing them all on Boxing Day as usual is perfectly fine.

How far away are you? Could you drive over for just Christmas dinner?

I don't really see why you would change your routine, unless you desperately wanted to? So leave it as it is. No drama, no trauma :)

I think your usual plan is fine.

I also don't see why going this once would make it an arrangement set in stone. Sounds like at the most it might happen every other year and even if it does you can say no at any point.

I think it would be a nice thing to do it as a one-off, personally. And I HATE Christmas.

It's a bit far to drive over for dinner - it's just under 100 miles.

I know it'd be a nice one-off and this wouldn't set it in stone. Thanks for views - TBH, I wondered if you'd all be shocked and think it was really mean not to go, whereas seems you're more 'meh, whatever'. Which is pretty much how I feel.

So I'm reassured.

(And I know it's August but I love Christmas. And I want it to be autumn. Sorry! )

(I think it's a bit mean not to, tbh)

Fair enough - and thanks for sayng so.

What would you like to do best for yourself, if you weren't prioritising your husband's, brother's and parents' possible preferences?

I'd go, just this once. Sounds lovely, with your little DN.

wood - like I say, they drive me nuts in large doses!

I might go, though.

wait, she is absolutely lovely, it's just, you know, she'll be lovely on Boxing day too and I don't think she'll miss me or have any sense of expecting me to be around.

If they drive you nuts (and I know mine do for more than a couple of nights), then just keep with the status quo and go on Boxing Day.

Yeah, I might well, woodhead.

It's not that I ignore my own preferences, just that I know what I want to do and wanted to know how other people would see it given the other info.

Glad to hear it

Thanks.