To have told Pil they are suffocating me? I do love them but

[candlesandbubbles]

Pil phone nearly every day after the kids, which is nice but to much sometimes and always when they are going to bed asking, loads of questions,on who we have seen etc.

They insist we go on holiday with them all the time , last time they planned the whole day from start to finish and they drove us everywhere.

We moved recently they spent every day here for two weeks I lost my temper it in the end, as know one could visit.

They insist we all spend Christmas day together, and it is hard work as the cousins all argue and it becomes hard work.

When I had my ds they came to the hospital whilst I was in labour and then all insisted in coming back to mine after I had him.

They used to call my parents house to see where I was and when I was coming home with my ds.

I lost my temper the other day and told them to back of as they were suffocating me, I can not breathe because they question all my decisions with my dc's from parenting to who looks after them aibu?

Where is you DH in all this?

Do you have a partner?

You have to stop this, it must be unbearable.

Stop the Christmas/holiday stuff and stand firm, you are in charge not them.

Don't answer the phone.

where do your family figure into this?

sounds to me like they're quite possessive.
if they phone your parents house to see when you're coming home I'd be livid tbh.

sounds like they're not giving you the opportunity to either establish you're own little family with your dh and dc or let your parents be involved.

YADNBU.

Insisting they come home from the hospital with you? [shocked] I would have got in the door and slammed it in their faces!

I'd unplug the phone and stop talking to them and hope they take the hint and change their possessive/controlling/suffocting behaviour. Do they treat the rest of the family like this or is it just you?

What does your dp say about all this? Sounds hideous. You need to stand up for yourself and set some ground rules about visits and holidays.

Phones may well ring, but there is no law that states you have to answer them.

My Dp works long hours so I am used to my own company and having to do most things on my own with the children but I am happy with that, I also lucky to have a child minder who is a godsend.

I do not see much of my family but they are there if I need them, I am independent and grew up without my family whilst I was younger.

My Mum took a step back early after having my Ds because she did not want the conflict with Pil as they were always there, My Mum also prefers one to one.

My Mum pays a bigger role with one of my sister's she has no Mil or Fil to speak of, to help them.

I did stop answering the ohone they would call Dp's mobile instead.

I have just started standing up for myself, after I said my piece they stopped calling.

If they start calling DPs mobile then its his problem to deal with. It sounds like its about time you started standing up for yourself with them so well done OP for doing it!

Sometimes the only way people change their behaviour is by being told straight that its not acceptable and you don't like it and want them to stop.

If you're now getting a break from your PIL then perhaps try to make plans to see your own mum a bit more with DC as she's obviously missed out quite a lot thanks to your overbearing in-laws so I'm sure she would jump at the chance to see you and your DC,especially if you can now attempt to make it a regular thing :)

I am seeing more of my parents now, and also they have had my dc's over to babysit which is nice sometimes.

I should make more of an effort I know if it was the other way round Dp would hate it and yet I would never insist he do it, so that is why I have had to stand up for myself as it was making me miserable.

good for you for standing up for yourself. now they've backed off a bit you can work on starting your own family traditions ie Christmas or at least part of it at your house

we don't speak to my dh's parents as much these days they were equally over bearing and didn't give chance to be a family.

the more we gave the more they demanded and it was getting to the point we couldn't be a family.

before ds was born we saw them every 2-3 months by the time he was 6 months old they expected
daily phone calls from dh after he got home from work (which would mean he didn't get to spend time with ds before bed)
Skype video calls with our baby 3 times a week
they wanted to spend the weekend with us every three weeks (never evening visits as they didn't like night driving)
but they wanted us to drive to them in the evening every other week (they live 2 hours away)
they wanted to know how much time my family spent with ds every week.
they wanted weekly photos of ds adding to dropbox...it was a nightmare.

it started off as one thing and just grew and grew in the end we refused and they stopped speaking to us.

we are working towards meeting up before Christmas at the moment but it will be on our terms now as we've now had chance to become a family and have our own traditions.

its hard at first but keep going until you get a balance youre happy with

I had this with my Ils back when I had my first dc (16 years ago). They would turn up without asking and spend all day on my sofa, tried to take over with my baby, even wanted to be called mama and papa. If I was at my parents house, they would come round and spend hours there too. I found it so stressful and suffocating and in the end I had to tell them that I felt it was too much and they needed to back off a bit.

Remember that these are your children and how you raise them and who you see/when you see them, is your decision to make. No one has any entitlement to see your family whenever they want.

If you stand up for yourself now, then you stand a good chance of having a decent relationship with them in the future. If you don't , then one day you will get to tipping point, explode completely and the relationship will be permanently damaged.

I do feel a bit sorry for GPs sometimes, because they love these kids so much and want to see them all the time, which is lovely on one level, but I think they forget that when they were parents of young children themselves, they would have hated this from their own ILs.

I also know that my ILs were quite selfish people in many respects - they had always done precisely what they wanted in life irrespective of how that affected anyone else. In the end I figured if they were going to put what they wanted above what I wanted, then it was perfectly okay for me to do likewise!