to tell him to take her to court...

[ginmakesitallok]

have posted about this briefly before - but things are getting worse. DB split from his girlfriend about 18 months ago - she was EA and gaslighting and the relationship wasn't healthy for either of them. They have one DS and she has a DD from a previous relationship.

DB is doing all he can to keep a relationship with his DS, and to see him. Ex is making this really difficult. She insists that he only sees DS at her home, she changes plans at the last minute, if DB does get her permission to take DS out often she will not be there at drop off. She texts DB constantly (he was just on phone to me and she texted him 5 times in 15 mins), blaming him for everything that's wrong with her life. She doesn't work and thinks it is wrong that DB has a "nice" car and won't pay for one for her. DB works hard, and supports his son.

She stops him leaving the house after he's dropped off DS, she's threatened suicide, she's threatened to move house without telling him where she's going. She calls him at work. Shes told him that if he really loved DS he would come back and live with them.

The girl needs help.

Anyway - its really getting to DB and I've tld him he needs to go and get some legal advice - sort out formal access to DS and have as little contact with her as possible.

He thinks this would push her over the edge. AIBU??

no yanbu at all. he is entitled to see his son, and his son needs to see him

YANBU.

If he genuinely thinks it would push her over the edge, then that's so the more reason why he needs his relationship with his son legally facilitated.

A child with an unstable parent needs their other parent to be in the picture as much as possible, and the best way to do that with someone unstable is through the courts.

He's tried so hard to be reasonable - but if she's not going to be reasonable back then I can't see what else he can do? He's in the early stages of a new relationship and is terrified that she will find out. I'm so sad for him.

Ex says she's not stopping him from seeing DS - but that he has to see him in her home, with her there and do things together as a family. If he visits it ends up in huge arguments (she tried to stop him leaving last night by standing in front of his car and refusing to move), and if he refuses to visit she accuses him of not helping her and not loving DS.

Its such a mess. I live a plane journey away from him, so can't just give him a hug.

Ages ago I got flamed for posting an AIBU for not believing she'd had a mc. Turns out I was right - she'd lied to DB about being pregnant and having a mc so that he would stay with her.

Is there anywhere on line where he could get support??

Broken - I agree.

I wouldn't advise taking her to court just yet, that is going to terrify her and usually they would expect you to have exhausted all other options first.

IMO he should ask her to not phone unless it is an emergency and do everything by email. And he should find out about mediation so they can sit in a neutral space and work out what is in the child's best interest. Get that written up into a formal agreement with clauses like what happens if one is late and how much notice is needed to change plans etc.

Next step is to sort out the finances from the split if that hasn't been done.

Suggest he talks to these people www.fnf.org.uk/ as a starting point, they are excellent.

It would be a good idea to try mediation before going to court - even if only to say he's tried - he can organise it and attend the first session. Even if his ex refuses to go, it is a useful opportunity to talk through what he wants to get out of the process/what kind of contact he would like. He can move onto the court process if he doesn't get anywhere with mediation.

Also, he probably needs to be prepared for things to get worse instead of better - she may well stop all contact if he starts court proceedings. However, the focus has to be the long-term welfare of the child; ongoing conflict is the worst thing. Sounds like DB is far too involved in the dysfunction - he needs to step back and start thinking about how to create a business-like relationship.

Turnips, last resort my arse.

She's a domestic abuser with those you don't piss arse about being nice you protect yourself and your child and use the courts to do it.

Mediation should definitely be a first port of call. And possibly a solicitor make contact with her to lay out what he proposes happens.

Thanks, I've sent him the fnf link. I think she has refused mediation, when he mentioned it she accused him of threatening her.

I think he still feels responsible for her, responsible for supporting her to look after the kids?

Sock, I have pointed out that if it was a man sending abusive texts to a woman she would be supported in reporting to police.

He should definitely get legal advice - it's helpful to know what his position is and what can be done, even if he doesn't act on the information straight away. If she is unstable and volatile, he shouldn't be trying to deal with her on his own. It might also be helpful for him to talk to a Relate counsellor or similar, for advice on managing his encounters with her - it's OK to have solo counselling if you are in a difficult situation with a partner/ex partner.

Sock. I have one of these of my own, I am well aware of how to deal with domestic abuse.

If my ex had my ds living with him full time, only allowed me contact in his home in his presence and had threatened to move house without telling me, I would not charge in with court, a process that is acknowledged to be upsetting for all involved and may provoke him in to doing something stupid. I would try and set boundaries about him contacting me to limit the abuse and try to reach a formal agreement about when I was going to have contact.

The courts do not give a shit about domestic abuse in child contact cases.

OP, in an ideal world yes the co-parents would support each other in looking after the child, swopping contact weekends, picking up medcine or discussing strategies to deal with behaviour. But if it is a dysfunctional relationship you have to protect yourself from the drama and limit face to face discussion to if child has had lunch, nap etc and then get the heck out of there. Leave negotiation at a distance, via email, through a mediator or through solicitors if you have to (and can afford it).

I hope he's keeping all these crazy texts, she needs to get a wake up call. He needs legal advice for sure.

Turnip, very true. I think he's still too involved with them as a family. He went to her house for ds's birthday party, which ended up as a disaster. He says he had to go or he wouldn't have seen ds, and she would have accused him of not caring or wanting to see ds and would tell ds that. I think he shouldn't have gone. He could have done something special on another day with ds.

He needs to save the texts on computer and start a written record of threatening phone, meetings she agrees to and pulls out of ect

Yes, he definitely needs legal advice on this.

And the sooner the better.

His responsibility is to his child, and getting the best possible situation for his DS.

It may also be useful to start keeping a diary of contact, including any suicide threats/unstable behaviour. Does the older child have any contact with her father?

Older child used to have contact with her father, but hasn't had for a couple of years.

I think he is keeping the texts. I think that he's started to forget what a normal relationship is like.

That's very common - people in abusive relationships 'normalise' the abusive actions of the other - often they take a lot of responsibility for it, too. That's why he really needs to step back and get some perspective, talk to some people who have been where he is now and come out the other side.

No the courts don't much care about DV and child contact other than paying it lip service but what they do care about beyond everything else is the child having contact with the absent parent.

You cannot reason with an unreasonable person, abusers by there very nature are unreasonable also mediation is not advised for DV situations,its just going to turn into another opportunity for her to bully him and portray herself as vulnerable so she can try and back him into a corner.

Legal advice and documenting/ keeping copys of comunications is not going to hinder him in any way in the long run it will help him.

Yes that is true about mediation and dv. But it doesn't sound to me like this is a case of intimdating behaviour, more neediness and hysteria. I would guess that she would tone that down in front of a stranger. Even if she does play the victim, a good mediator should not let her dwell on and keep bring ing it back to the child. Of course they are not all good.

In any case as someone else pointed out having a solo session with the mediator to check what you are wanting is in the child's best interest is useful. Him suggesting mediation and her refusing to go is another important thing to put in the diary as she is focusssing on herself and not what is best for the child.

Threats to kill yourself, preventing someone leaving,standing in front of a car to stop it moving,threatening to take a child away,bombarding someone with texts and calls, are intimidating harassing manipulating behaviours.

Intimidation does not have to be about physical fear these are all very effective methods of making someone fear something other than violence.

They are also methods frequently used by abusers to control situations.

Its a sucky position to be in,I wouldn't envy the mediator having to shift through that sort of crap.