Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DH?

24 replies

Reallyreallystruggling · 13/08/2013 15:35

Regular but have nc.

DH increasingly grumpy and negative and it's really really wearing me down. Yes he is working very long hours (and seems to find it impossible to multitask which causes him huge problems) but I am also working hard looking after DC and working PT.

I don't know what to do, it's constant, he rings me during the day to rant/offload which in principle is fine but I am running out of patience and find myself completely switching off whilst he is talking. I offer solutions/suggestions/ways to help all the time but he always comes up with a reason why I can't help.

It's really driving me insane and actually making me very low.

I know that I'm supposed to be supportive as a partner but I just can't find it within me at the moment.

Everything is negative, everything, it's awful Sad

Has anyone got any ideas please to get me/us through this?

Fully aware I may get flamed as I put this in AIBU but I would like to know genuinely whether IABU.

I feel like I have another child to pat on the head/placate etc etc and I just didn't really hope for that out of a husband.

The negativity/ poor me attitude does seem to run in his family, whereas in mine we tend to just get on with it. So we are clashing hugely.

OP posts:
ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 13/08/2013 15:36

Have you told him how you feel?

BlueButton3 · 13/08/2013 15:38

Let's put my opinion this way:

At least your DH speaks to you. Mine is leaving me and I've no idea why.

You need to put it across that you love being there to support him, but can't be available all the time and that he's a sensible man who can do stuff alone.

YonilyDevotedToYou · 13/08/2013 15:42

Oh struggling, I sympathise- having the exact same problem here. I have had done interesting responses to my thread in Relationships, 'DP has a grudge against the world'- sorry can't link as on my phone, but do have a look. It is really draining isn't it?

Original poster
Reallyreallystruggling · 13/08/2013 15:43

I have attempted to tell him how I feel but he gets so defensive, I can't bear the fallout.

Blue button I'm so sorry Flowers. I might try your suggestion

OP posts:
runningonwillpower · 13/08/2013 15:46

YANBU.

First of all, maybe he could shorten his working hours if he got off the phone to you.

Second, if he is disrupting your working day, he is being doubly unreasonable. What does he expect you to do remotely anyway.

And last of all, he sounds like a 'yesbutter'. You know the ones. They moan and complain but no matter what you suggest they say, 'yes but' and then go on to explain why that solution won't work for them. Yesbutters don't want help or advice, they just like to moan.

Have to told him that he is getting you down? Being supportive is one thing but taking your partner down with you is another.

Good luck.

ImperialBlether · 13/08/2013 15:50

Can you just not answer the phone while he's at work? Or ask him to text you instead?

It's horrible living with someone who's so negative.

BlueButton3, that must be incredibly stressful for you. I'm so sorry.

formicadinosaur · 13/08/2013 15:52

It's important to discuss the negative but can you ask him to also tell you about nice things that gave happened.

Pagwatch · 13/08/2013 15:56

Could you deflect this a bit and contain it.
DH used to unload about work as soon as he got home. In fairness I used to moan about my day too.
We agreed that we don't talk about anything that could be considered a whine until after we have eaten. By then the GRRRR urge has diminished and we, more often that not, say 'nah, it's not important'

BlueButton3 · 13/08/2013 16:01

Don't want to hijack, but at the moment I am actually okay.

OP - don't ever stop talking Smile Maybe sit him down after work one day, have some wine and dinner and see that it's not worth sweating the small stuff.

Original poster
Reallyreallystruggling · 13/08/2013 16:03

Imperial - normally I wouldn't answer the phone but for some reason today I did hence prompting me to post. Yes, it's really horrible living with him at the moment, I can't be the one constantly geeing him up can I? Isn't that partially his own responsibility? It's seriously making me worry about our future as I just can't live like this long term. We're going on holiday soon and he's already moaning about that, how it was all my decision where we're going, (it wasn't) how he'd rather be going somewhere else, how I'll just want to relax and leave him to play with DC!!!

Tunningonwillower - he is totally a yesbutter - all he wants to do is moan. I can't listen to him moan anymore!!!! Thanks for your post. I've tried to tell him, gently, but the defences he puts up are unreal.

Does anyone think that if I just go along with it and nod and sympathise it will improve? I find it very very hard to do this as I grew up watching my mother constantly placating my father and I just do not agree with doing this!!! Her whole personality just disappeared Sad

OP posts:
UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 13/08/2013 16:05

Been there. DH had a mammoth project that ground him down for about 9 months.

If it's a time-limited thing then I would ride it out, not really pay attention and cut short moaning conversations. Continue to be cheerful and happy.

Turn it around to him - "what do you want to do to change that" and challenge sweeping statements - "everything is shit? Every little thing?"

If there's no particular cause or end in sight then you need a serious talk about how it's affecting you and your relationship.

runningonwillpower · 13/08/2013 16:10

I think you already know that nodding and sympathy aren't going to work.

Can you make a game out of it? The rules are, you are allowed two negative comments a day and after that you get to do all the household chores.

(Failing that, there's always the tried and tested 'SHUT THE FUCK UP'.

RedHelenB · 13/08/2013 17:00

Blue button - at a guess i would say cos he' s met someone else.

OP - just let him talk - he wants sympathy by the sound of it, not solutions. Any way these long hours could be cut down at all?

earlyriser · 13/08/2013 17:07

Think about how you like to be treated when you want to moan/rant. Do you want sympathy, a listening ear or do you want advice/practical solutions to the problem?

I expect most people just like to offload. I know when i am in that mood, i really really don't want someone to tell me what i could be doing or give me advice- i just want to rant.

So maybe nodding and umming might just be the solution. He can't say 'yesbut' if you don't give him anything to say that too!

Original poster
Reallyreallystruggling · 14/08/2013 09:13

Thank you everybody this is all really helpful. Fortunately the work thing is time limited, so I guess I will just ride it out.

OP posts:
RinseAndRepeat · 14/08/2013 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Reallyreallystruggling · 14/08/2013 09:19

Rinseandrepeat - I hope it doesn't come to that but I can totally see how it can be the end of a relationship. Hope your friend is happier now.

OP posts:
MumsKnitter · 14/08/2013 11:56

I had one of those, and put up with it for as long as I could (20 years!). Periodically I would get near breaking point and would sit him down and explain how wearing it was to live with constant negativity, and he would make an effort to moan less for a few months, but always relapse. Hw would tell me off for not worrying more about the possibility of him losing his job or us not having much money. I would explain that I would make more of an effort, if worrying actually made it less likely to happen, and that trying to spend less money seemed more practical than merely worrying about it.

You're right to say that it runs in families. It does. Some studies have shown a genetic link to negativity, and I'm sure upbringing also plays a part. CBT (Cognitive Bahavioural Therapy) has been shown to be very useful in tackling constant negative thoughts, and giving retraining to simply not allow it to happen, but force a more positive attitude every time it occurs. Even small things like thinking of three things he is grateful for, or proud of at the end of each day could help to lift him out of this mindset.

The bottom line is he has to understand the awful effect on you and DC and truly want to change. Just six sessions of CBT could be really helpful - it doesn't have to be a long process. I had to give up on my husband in the end, and accept that he just liked being moany and didn't care enough to change. He wouldn't even try CBT. Hopefully you'll be luckier!

holidaysarenice · 14/08/2013 12:01

I would give him 5 minutes to rant, with sympatetic noises. Then I would cheerily say, right that's 5 minutes of ranting, let's discuss something more positive....

Repeat and repeat.

MavisG · 14/08/2013 12:02

Would you consider reading Non Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg? It's really useful, helped me a lot to communicate better and to take responsibility for my own feelings. Ideally you'd both read it, but even just you reading it could be really helpful (Rosenberg's American but not too perky. There are YouTube vids/a website too.)

MortifiedAdams · 14/08/2013 12:04

"DH I have offered you countless of solutions. You have turned down every single one. Clearly you dont want my advice or support so why bother whinging at me in the first place? Leave work at work"

Sazzle41 · 14/08/2013 12:12

Sounds like he doesnt want solutions he wants to vent. Some people need the solutions offered when they aren't mid situation as then, they are so wound up anything seems too much effort or , not a possibility. Find a quiet time, neutral ground then try. If solutions are thrown back at you then, you need to say this is impacting on your happiness and compromise .. Also, the 'that wont work' needs to be answered with, 'how do you know til you try and trying means at least you are getting the right mindset and not just making matters worse.' Just trying can make a huge difference to how you feel about somethign, give feeling of taking back control and managing the 'catatrophising' and negativity spiral.

WooWooSister · 14/08/2013 12:19

It is draining. You have my sympathy. Sometimes I find identifying his emotions and drawing a boundary helps eg 'do you realise you're sounding angry/defensive/miserable? I don't think it helps to talk when you're feeling like that so perhaps we can do it later?' Either it stops the conversation or it makes dp modify his attitude.
I'd also recommend trying to spend some time supporting yourself eg being with friends, reading a book, try to invest in your own emotional wellbeing to balance the drain that he is being.

ilovesooty · 14/08/2013 13:31

Agree with some of the earlier posts. He doesn't want solutions. He wants someone to listen.

Whether you have to be that person is another issue.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page