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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday blues

14 replies

Bloomingeck · 13/08/2013 15:00

Have name changed for this.

I had a significant birthday last week and my lovely dh made it one to remember. I had a surprise party with all my friends on the day itself, and also a wonderful weekend away with my (adult) children, who I do not see as often as I would like due to busy lives and the fact we live a good 2 hrs apart. My dh and eldest dd had arranged the hotel break between them, complete with activities and spa treatments. I had no idea of where we were going or that the children were coming - my second surprise of the week!

After a lovely time and feeling very happy, I returned home and phoned my mum to share the news of the surprise weekend. To my horror she was desperately upset because she had not been invited, and made me feel terrible because she was not included. I pointed out that I had not planned it at all, and that if she was upset it was not me she should be upset with. The weekend had been planned with such love and thought for me that I find it hard to understand why she could not just be happy for me.

I might add that on my bd I had sent her a nice big bouquet with a note saying 'thank you for having me' as an acknowledgement that it was a big day for her too. Because I had asked her the day before if she would be in (so I knew she would be home to accept the flowers) she wrongly jumped to the conclusion that I was coming down to take her and all the family out for a meal on my birthday - she had also made me a bd cake .She lives over 2 hours from me and I had told her already that my dh and myself were going out for a meal in the evening as he had to work all day.

Have I ( or anyone else) done anything wrong do you think? My mother is elderly and would not have enjoyed the weekend we had, it was the thought that she was being excluded that has upset her so much. My dh has written to her to explain and apologise, but a big part of me feels very cross that she has essentially ruined the memories of a rare weekend for me spent in the company of my own children. AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 13/08/2013 15:03

Does she always make every single thing about her? The fact that you sent her flowers on YOUR birthday and she is complaining makes me think that she does.

ViviPru · 13/08/2013 15:09

No of course you've not done anything wrong. It's just a misunderstanding on her part and I doubt there's much you can do or say that will make her see things differently.

To me the most pressing concern is how it's colouring your feelings towards your weekend, which is understandable but counterproductive, focus on revelling in what a fabulous, thoughtful family you have created and the wonderful time you've had together.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful · 13/08/2013 15:12

I've never heard of anyone send

Original poster
Bloomingeck · 13/08/2013 15:13

I did point out to her that the weekend wasn't all about her - you can imagine how that went down! I wish I lived nearer so that I could see her more, but it just isn't possible at the moment due to work. I do a fair amount of voluntary work with the elderly in my own area in the hope that a bit of karma will kick in, and that someone else is doing the same for her where she lives.

OP posts:
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful · 13/08/2013 15:13

I've never heard of anyone sending their dm flowers on their own birthday. It was your day not hers. Try and focus on what an amazing time you had.

formicadinosaur · 13/08/2013 15:35

That's very kind of you to send her flowers BUT people only ever give the birthday person gifts/treats etc. I think she is unreasonable to expect a surprise weekend away on your birthday. Really she should have arranged something special for you

formicadinosaur · 13/08/2013 15:38

She could have always asked your DH what was planned.

littlemefi · 13/08/2013 15:52

Your DM sounds very unreasonable, rather than being happy for you, on YOUR day, she's focusing on herself.
Like you say, you didn't plan or know about the surprise, so you didn't exclude her. And the fact you sent her flowers seems to have been forgotten!
As she saying goes, you can't please everyone all of the time; it's a shame your DM is behaving this way. In your shoes I would just reiterate to her that the plans were not arranged by you and that the family had organised it as a treat for you, you know, the one with the birthday!

Original poster
Bloomingeck · 13/08/2013 16:23

Thanks for all the replies. I know I'm going to have to say sorry or we'll never talk again (which at the moment sounds quite appealing) -life's too short and all that. Just hope I can get the words out without them sticking in my throat! I'll give it a good few days so I calm down a bit more.

You're so right ViviPru she'll never see my point of view and I'm not going to try and explain it again after such a distressing phone call for us both last night.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 13/08/2013 16:33

Was she always like this, Bloomingeck? This is interesting. You do seem to have a lot of FOG.

Lilacroses · 13/08/2013 16:39

I think it's really strange that she didn't contact your DH and your Dcs to find out what they were planning! Why on earth assume that you were coming over if you'd said nothing of the sort? It was especially nice of you to send her flowers and yes, I would think she would be happy for you and glad you'd had a great time.

Original poster
Bloomingeck · 13/08/2013 18:00

Gosh yes MrsTerryPratchett that's a real eye opener - it's how things are to a t. Problem is that she's now in her 80's and to challenge her behaviour is not really on (unless I want to feel that I am abusing an old lady). I wish I'd read that article 20 years ago. I'm going to have a good look at the rest of the site tonight, it really is interesting.

Why she didn't just ask what was happening is a mystery to me as well. Goodness only knows. I've had this all my life so in a way I'm almost used to it, though this latest incidence takes the biscuit. TBH I think if we didn't live so far apart, it would have been a lot worse, at least I've 'escaped' up to a point.

It's still very difficult to listen to your mother crying because she feels slighted and even though my head knows I've done nothing wrong, my heart is saying I should make things better for her somehow.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 13/08/2013 21:13

You might be able to well change your relationship with her but you can change your relationship with how you feel about it. You can still do the flowers and consideration while knowing it's her problem, not yours IYSWIM.

My DH has a DF very like this. It helps his parenting to understand that.

parakeet · 13/08/2013 21:45

You have to send your mum flowers on your birthday - and still you are in the dog house? She is the one who is being unreasonable here.

Your husband has written and apologised (not that anyone reasonable would think he has anything to apologise for). Just leave it now.

If she brings it up again, say "We've discussed this already mum and we'll have to agree to differ on this one. Let's change the subject." If she protests: "OK, we're not really getting anywhere, I think we'd better chat another time."

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