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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to stay?

19 replies

petalsandstars · 12/08/2013 14:41

Bit of background may be long sorry. .. DH and I plus DDs aged 2 and 9weeks live a good two hours away from pils. DH's brother and his wife and kids live about 45mins further out from pils but also live with his wifes parents. Since BILs children were born pils feel as if they are second best to the GPs who they live with as although they see them every 2-4 weeks they are not invited out on family days out etc but other gps are.

When DD1 was born DH said he wanted to include his parents more to make up for them not seeing the other GCs however as we live a distance away this is not hugely practical due to cost of petrol and as we work shifts etc we don't get many weekend days off so we tend to see them every couple of months for a day visit.

We have stayed there a couple of times before DC and once with DD1 and after the last time we said never again as MIL smokes in the house and everything stank when we came home. PIL have recently redecorated the spare room and are now wanting us to stay for weekend visits. ...AIBU to not want to stay? as every time we have stayed MIL promises not to smoke in house as I have severe asthma and every time I catch her smoking in the house anyway.

DH thinks I am as they don't see us very often but he is also not looking at the practical aspect of having us plus toddler plus baby in a room with only a double bed in and no space for anything else. He says she won't smoke this time in house as they've redecorated.

OP posts:

Nombrechanger · 12/08/2013 16:14

I wouldn't stay either. She can't have her cake and eat it. Either she invites you to stay and doesn't smoke at all whilst you're there or she doesn't have the opportunity to spend a couple of days with her grandchildren. It's her choice. I would get your DH to speak to her and explain the problem with the smoking. If she can't agree to stop smoking, then you don't stay.

anna891 · 12/08/2013 16:14

MIL should not smoke near you or your children she should respect your wishes.
Realistically I don't think a little bit of smoke will hurt, but thats not the point.
Do you actually like your MIL or is she a bit of a pain?

fluffyraggies · 12/08/2013 16:20

So it's the smoking AND the space issue.

If she is smoking in the house and it is affecting your asthma you have every right to keep the visits short OP. You need to get your DH to be honest and say to his DM ''it's obvious when you smoke in the house, like last time, and it's not fair on Petal, so please don't, or we cant stay''.

If she carries on just refuse to stay.

The space issue is more of a grey area.

EagleRiderDirk · 12/08/2013 17:10

Are your ILs able to visit with you, and if so do you have the space?

If the answer to both of those is yes then there's the compromise, they can come to you.

I appreciate this isn't often the case though, as my DPs can't come to us and we don't have the space. They don't have the space now we have 2 DCs either. So basically they suck it up and we visit whenever we can for a day. And we don't even have the smoke issue.

Original poster

petalsandstars · 12/08/2013 17:20

Thanks, I do like MIL (better in short bursts I think) she does try to over involve herself in all her sons lives but as we are further away that does not affect us as much. Definitely not as bad as some on here but I don't like the whole extended family knowing all of my business (medical etc) and she cannot keep anything to herself it gets discussed with everyone so that does cloud my judgement sometimes.

DH has spoken to her about the smoking before hence my reluctance to believe it will be different this time.
The space issue means I guess that to do it DD1 gets a double bed to herself but also then has access to the toilet and bathroom upstairs as can't stairgate across the door which I am not happy with as she can run the bath etc and you can't lock the door and me DH and DD2 are in the lounge downstairs. So from a safety aspect I really don't like it.

OP posts:

nokidshere · 12/08/2013 17:25

Why does she have a double to herself? If there are two rooms available have one adult and one child in each room.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 12/08/2013 17:28

its only 2 hours, go early stay for the day and come home. you could do this once every couple of months and they could come to you once every couple of months. My mum lives 6 -7 hours away and I still get to see her as often as I can. 2 hours is not far. Better still, find a suitable place to meet half way for a day out and go more often, finds permitting you could even book a travel Inn halfway and do a weekend / overnighter, If you do actually want to see them then there is a way to suit.

MrsKoala · 12/08/2013 17:30

If DD1 gets a double bed to herself, where would you and DH be sleeping?

Where would the baby sleep?

Could one of you not sleep with DD1 in the bed?

Original poster

petalsandstars · 12/08/2013 17:32

ILs can travel to us but we don't have a spare room and blow up mattress is not suitable for them. We can't give them our room as the cot is in there and baby is bf if that makes any difference. So it is awkward both ways. They stayed in a travelodge to visit newborn DD2 and won't do the drive for just a day visit.

OP posts:

Original poster

petalsandstars · 12/08/2013 17:39

step that is what we do for day visits, there is only one spare room as BIL still living at home and his room is not toddler friendly. We would be on our blow up in the lounge with baby in the travel cot in lounge too. Meeting halfway is a good idea though :-)

OP posts:

MrsKoala · 12/08/2013 17:46

Why can't you sleep on the blow up bed with the baby and DH stay in with DD1?

Shutupanddrive · 12/08/2013 17:49

Why can't DH sleep in double room with Dd1 and the you sleep in lounge with baby?

GoodTouchBadTouch · 12/08/2013 17:50

Ugh, no YANBU. If it was that important to her she would make the enormous effort to step outside her door.

Smoking around a newborn in particular is vile

zippey · 12/08/2013 17:51

What about staying in a cheap travel lodge or something they are cheap when booked in advance. See them for a few hours in morning then a few hours in afternoon.

Original poster

petalsandstars · 12/08/2013 17:52

He will not share as he sleeps very heavily and would worry he'd squash her. She also thinks its playtime if there is someone else there as I have tried co-sleeping at home.

OP posts:

Lanceolate · 12/08/2013 17:53

Everyone has the right to smoke in their own home. To smoke and invite an asthmatic to stay is either ignorant, stupid or selfish.

Original poster

petalsandstars · 12/08/2013 17:59

Travelodge may be the compromise I think, DH feels guilty as he's the one who moved away but we have to balance it with the cost and book really early as on maternity pay so reduced income for a while.

OP posts:

Lanceolate · 12/08/2013 18:06

Premier Inn are reasonable.

If your DH is feeling bad remind him that his mother could have you round much more often if she would smoke outside. It's in her hands.

zippey · 12/08/2013 23:11

Your mil will probably feel slightly offended that you are staying at a premier inn. Tell her the reason politely and it might give her the kick up the backside she needs to kick her foul habit. It will show her that you mean business

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