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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not take newborn to MIL house

19 replies

ilovemulberry · 12/08/2013 12:02

Basically she smokes in the house as does he husband, it bloody stinks in there - don't get me wrong. I am a social smoker (pre pregnancy i am now 34 weeks) so nothing against smokers. She won't smoke when I am in the house with the baby as she doesn't with my SIL's baby, I just hate the thought of my baby leaving the house stinking of stale smoke, And am I right to say that a lot of the fumes stick to fabrics?

Do you think I should give in and back down or stick to my guns? If she does ask why I don't take him there should I tell her the truth.

OP posts:
thebody · 12/08/2013 12:04

yes tell her and ask them to visit you.

smoking outside absolutely does fuck all to negate the affects of smoke.

waste of time to do it.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful · 12/08/2013 12:05

YANBU don't take the baby and tell her why. If she's got any sense she will understand and agree with your decision

WorraLiberty · 12/08/2013 12:05

If it's just the smell alone that you're worried about then you can always change her clothes.

If you have other worries then YANBU...and yes be honest.

thisisyesterday · 12/08/2013 12:06

no way i would take my baby into a house where people smoke.

i'm sure I have read that smoke in clothing/furnishing is harmful just like people smoking near you. so just no!

Original poster
ilovemulberry · 12/08/2013 12:07

Yes it's not just the smell. I heard that it takes so long for all the tar and fumes etc to leave a room?

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 12/08/2013 12:07

smoke in the house

QuintessentialOldDear · 12/08/2013 12:10

Yanbu.

Some relatives of us smoke. Whenever we have gone to visit, even for just an hour, all our clothes stink so much everything needs to go in the wash, even if they dont smoke while we are there.

My husband once took the kids to see them after school, briefly, and they came home with school uniform that stank. I was really annoyed with him for taking them, as it meant I had to put clean uniform in the wash as I could not send them to school with stinking uniform.

I think most smokers dont realize how repulsive the smell is to a nonsmoker, and how it attaches itself to everything from clothes to hair.

daftdame · 12/08/2013 12:17

I would settle into a routine at home with your new baby before you get overly worried about this. In the beginning she should visit you anyway so you can 'settle baby in'.

I know there is a lot of advice about chemicals in clothing / furniture from cigarette smoke. None of my immediate family smoke so this was not really an issue for us. Also the advice was not out when mine was a baby. We did see my grandmother when he was a few months old (family live away) and she did hold him (at their house).

I think this advice places an awful pressure on new parents regarding their relationships with people who do smoke. I would have felt awful if I'd had mixed feelings about letting my grandmother hold my child. Sad

I would leave the issue for now until your baby is born. Then just quote advice you have been given by health professionals if you still feel the same, or let your husband broach the subject with MIL and say how conflicted you feel. By the way my mother was advised not to take a newborn out in public for two weeks, whereas I received no such advise. Make MIL feel special and involved in other ways though, make it as easy as possible for her to visit.

MommyBird · 12/08/2013 12:42

I was in the exact same position and didn't take my newborn to MILs. We had abit of a tiff.
She visits us now.

Inertia · 12/08/2013 13:54

YANBU. Just tell your MIL that you won't take your baby into a smoking household. They can visit you, as long as they don't smoke before holding the baby.

I fully expect you will get replies from a) smokers who somehow are totally unlike the rest of the smoking world and genuinely believe that they and their homes are somehow magically free from the stench of smoke; b) the society for the protection of MIL who will tell you how horrible all DIL are and they bet you wouldn't do that to your own mother and they just hope you have a son so you know what it's like; c) the smokers who will justify their expensive smelly habit by pointing out that cars also give off exhaust fumes so are you going to avoid walking along the pavement for the rest of your baby's life.

At any rate, you don't have to take your baby there.

Inertia · 12/08/2013 13:56

Oh, and d) the duty paid on cigarettes singlehandedly supports the entire NHS and welfare state so if it wasn't for smokers you wouldn't even be getting maternity pay. Forgot that one.

MrsOakenshield · 12/08/2013 14:03

I would get your DH to have a word with her.

My mum and dad smoked in the house and their house never smelled smoky (this is even after I left home and would come back and visit, I never noticed it smelling) and I think the main reason was that they never left ashtrays lying around, they were emptied and cleaned almost immediately, and never ever left out overnight.

Obviously, them not smoking in the house (or not smoking at all!) would be better, but maybe a helpful suggestion to make their house more tolerable for you to visit?

olidusUrsus · 12/08/2013 14:07

Does it really support the NHS? I have no idea where duty tax goes, I assumed it would end up lining someones pocket. I wonder if any of it makes it to the cardiovascular or oncology unit, how ironic would that be.

olidusUrsus · 12/08/2013 14:08

Oh Inertia sorry! I missed your first post Blush is a blind klutz

zete40 · 12/08/2013 14:09

She is your Husbands daughter and mother they SHOULD see each other

Original poster
ilovemulberry · 12/08/2013 14:18

Zete- I don't understand what you are saying?

My DM smokes but not in the house and she will be aware of the rules before holding the baby.

I'm glad you all agree. We went to a BBQ yesterday and everyone else who sat near me either asked if it was ok to smoke near me or automatically moved away, she did neither. She's quite old fashioned, she's refusing to come to baby shower as she doesn't believe in them. Fair enough they are quite a new thing in the uk. She is just very much stuck in her ways, luckily DH is aware of it and hopefully will back me up.

OP posts:
MrsOakenshield · 12/08/2013 14:23

zete40 - the OP isn't saying otherwise, she just doesn't want to take her baby into a smoky house.

Original poster
ilovemulberry · 12/08/2013 15:00

Yes I wouldn't ever stop her seeing the baby. She is welcome to mine or we can meet somewhere. I know she will think I am being overprotected because my SIL leaves her baby there and fair enough to her she always makes sure she washes and anti-bacs her hands but she is still in same clothes etc. my DH smokes but he will wear a smoking jacket and Obviously take precautions before holding the baby.

OP posts:
Boosiehs · 12/08/2013 15:04

My DH and I have agreed that smoking houses and friends who smell of smoke (heavy chain smokers) are a no no for soon to arrive DS.

Research on third-hand smoke is just getting started, and already is worrying.

I'm the worst though, a reformed social smoker.....

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