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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To it want to do Christmas?

46 replies

Madamecastafiore · 12/08/2013 10:27

Will be 4 weeks post c section. Is dh's family who most of them their idea of helping is passing you their empty plate.

Have had them here this weekend and I feel
upset and drained. Mil is lovely and helpful but can't say rest are that helpful.

DH is lovely but last time they all came up at Christmas I ended up sitting in garden crying into a G&T smoking 10 cigarettes as DH had broken his collar bone and was next to useless.

Have had awful weekend with them here and when
One couple left yesterday they sort of intimated that they would be coming here as I wouldn't be able to travel.

I have previously said could be a beef bourginion and mash and veg and bought puddings but now am thinking I don't want to do that either.

I don't want first Christmas with new baby to be fraught and tense and will end up screaming at them if I have to watch DH do everything because I can't.

I'm not just being grumpy am I?

OP posts:

Flobbadobs · 12/08/2013 11:49

And if they won't take no for an answer, your DH telling them post baby that you are unwell and the baby not settling therefore you are shutting up shop for the season will have to do it.
Lie if you have to. I'm serious, The first Christmas I had with IL's DS was 3 weeks old the stress of the while thing made me ill for a few days afterwards and I didn't have a cs.

Inertia · 12/08/2013 11:54

Say no. They sound bloody ungrateful. In fact say no the following year as well.

thebody · 12/08/2013 12:01

I would also never invite your bil/sil again anyway!! to anything!!

cathpip · 12/08/2013 12:10

I hosted Xmas lunch 4 weeks post c section, never again. People said they would be helpful, they weren't........

Aniseeda · 12/08/2013 12:10

No, no a thousand times no!

I am having a hysterectomy in November and I am absolutely not hosting or going anywhere for Christmas. I am quietly delighted to have the perfect excuse this year!

My family help out (well most of them do anyway, there are one or two plate passers but no one unpleasant like yours sound) but I find the whole a major stress at the best of times and wish I could just ban it!

Get your DH to tell them asap that you are not going anywhere or hosting anyone this year - they have four months to decide between them who the unlucky host will be instead!

Mogz · 12/08/2013 12:35

No no no, tell them you want some peace and quiet as you'll still be in recovery and you want time with your new baby and DH.
My first is due December 2nd and we are already fending off people inviting themselves over for Christmas. So far the only one who hasn't is my dad so I'm more inclined to ask him to join us for a nice meal out as a treat!

5Foot5 · 12/08/2013 13:22

Make sure they all know well in advance (like now!) that you will not be hosting Christmas, nor will you be visiting. You just want it quiety at home. And don't back down.

My DD was born 6 weeks before Christmas and it was a normal birth. But we very much enjoyed having our first Christmas with just the three of us. DH did all the cooking and it was bliss.

Oh and I am another one thinking some of your relatives (BIL and nephew) sound awful and wouldn't want them over in any circumstances.

littlewhitebag · 12/08/2013 13:31

If you don't want to have people for Christmas just say no.

That said I managed to do Christmas 10 days after DD2 was born. I also did Christmas 4 weeks post hysterectomy. My family are fairly helpful though but I still did all the main cooking. I just really like having my family round at Christmas.

You must do what you want.

girlywhirly · 12/08/2013 13:36

Absolutely refuse to entertain anyone for Christmas or over the Christmas period unless you know for sure they will be a real help. You and DH announce and keep repeating that you aren't doing Christmas, and say it's on medical advice. Actually, you will probably decide to have Christmas just your immediate family every year from now on, you wouldn't be the only ones! I know of a lot of people who are happy to be sociable for most days over the festive season except Christmas day itself which is nuclear family only. It gives them a chance to relax and they can cope better with the rest of it. This might be a useful tactic in future years.

Then enjoy M&S food, considerably reduced stress levels, and your own family.

ipswichwitch · 12/08/2013 13:37

I am saying no, and thats to going to IL's not even having them here! DC2 is due 10 days before Christmas and it's always stressful round there - a house full and DH has anxiety so there's near;y always some form of bickering with those who think he exaggerates or is being awkward
I have put my foot down and said we're going nowhere and I will be getting some lovely M&S goodies to bung in the oven. Bliss!

Finola1step · 12/08/2013 14:08

Say no and say it now so that there can be no confusion or attempts at persuasion.

I had my dd on the 23rd Dec at home. My DH, ds, dd and I had a lovely few days to ourselves (with midwife popping in). On a practical note, I made sure that the fridge and freezer were full with nice, easy food.

What could be lovelier than a quiet Xmas with your newborn? Tell family they can visit for short periods before the 24th and after the 27th. But tell people now of our plans so that they can make their own plans accordingly.

wealthypensioneriamnot · 12/08/2013 15:31

Get the message out to your in laws as soon as possible that you will be having a nice quiet Xmas with your own little family this year. Your BIL sounds a nasty , selfish piece of work so I wouldn't think twice about not entertaining him ever again . Years ago my DH invited his parents , grandfather and sister to ours for Xmas ....lots of faffing about with camp beds etc. I had a three year old and a two month old baby to look after . I did all the planning, shopping , cooking and so on and spent Xmas afternoon upstairs with a crying baby whilst they all sat watching the James Bond film , chocolates and drinks to hand . When I eventually staggered downstairs it was to find that DH hadn't really missed me and in fact asked if I was going to put the kettle on . I STILL resent every minute of that Xmas and that baby is now 34 years old !!! Don't do it ..... Just say NO.

Original poster

Madamecastafiore · 12/08/2013 17:15

Thank you guys.

I think my backbone has turned into tubby custard during this pregnancy as am bloody emotional and dithery about everything.

Just been to see midwife and she had a go at me for continuing to do too much.

I told DH and he said about Christmas and maybe better that we just have a quiet one at which point I should have said oh yes. I didn't though I wanted him to acknowledge how badly they treated me at the weekend so said, especially when some people can't even manage to get themselves a drink and think the pinnacle of helpfulness is passing you their empty plate.

He got very short with me saying he was behind me and thinks should just be us this Christmas and he was agreeing with me. So hoorah will just be us but I bloody want him to acknowledge that their behaviour stinks or should I just leave it?

You all sound so together and sorted with all your Christmas arrangements!!

OP posts:

MiddleAgeMiddleEngland · 12/08/2013 17:30

They are being totally unreasonable, not you.

Could your DH book a lovely cottage, not too far away, for Christmas week? A small one, so you can tell them there's no room. But only if your DH would do all the packing and organising for you.

If you tell the ILs now, they have months to make other arrangements. Just keep saying no.

ChestyNut · 12/08/2013 18:09

Absolutely let them know now that you will be having a quiet family christmas this year and not hosting or visiting.

They can then make other plans, rather than trying to pressure you into last minute and with a newborn.

raisah · 12/08/2013 18:36

Book yourselves into a hotel/centre parcs/ cottage/ your family whichever one suits for Christmas and go off grid. Don't even tell them where you have booked in case they turn up. People can be very entitled & selfish, some of my in-laws are like this so last week I went to my aunts for Eid. I am fed up of cooking for ungrateful/unhelpful in-laws.

Inertia · 12/08/2013 18:36

Sounds like he knows full well that you are right - might be feel guilty about his lack of support ? Tbh I would just steam on with ringing all the damily to let everybody know now that you won't be hosting at Christmas and you won't be travelling with a new baby either. Don't wait for dh to tell them. Bil sounds like an utter arse and I would be in no hurry to ask him back.

They all seem to think that just because you have the most suitable house you are tge default unpaid caterer and skivvy - start putting your foot down :)

Original poster

Madamecastafiore · 12/08/2013 19:14

I think he does know inertia but he adores the arse brother whereas I just think he is a chauvinist and a twat.

I don't think they would have the audacity to just turn up, they all too scared of MIL to do that.

BIL only had the decency to advise us of his plans to come over and how long he was staying 2 days before he actually came which I think is taking the piss, DH seems to think it funny but he doesn't have to sort out bed linen and ensure we are well stocked on pork free products!!!

Feel sorry for mil and pil as would love for them to come alone but they get lumbered with BIL and family from abroad each year.

OP posts:

tass1960 · 12/08/2013 19:28

My son was born by emlcs on 14 December - discharged from hospital on 21 December- Christmas was at my house because I didn't want to travel but my mum and sisters did everything - I didn't lift a finger except to feed the baby - I loved it :) wouldn't have hesitated to say no though if that was what I wanted and they would have respected that - they would all have had Christmas elsewhere together and I would have been

thebody · 12/08/2013 19:48

yes get in first op well done for telling your dh.

if your bil turned up at the door tell your dh if he comes past the door you and the kids will leave and book into a hotel.

absolutely no no way.

don't agree with your going away to avoid them. why the bloody hell should you.

MintyChops · 12/08/2013 19:50

Great your husband is with you on not having them for Christmas. Try, if you can, to stop trying to get him to acknowledge that the BIL is a twat. He sounds like one but sibling relationships are complex and you will end up pissing him off and souring things. Why not be content that everyone here is supportive and thinks he sounds awful? Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy and enjoy your first Christmas with a new baby!

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