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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to make the children pay for treats

45 replies

SoWorriedPleaseHelp · 12/08/2013 06:24

We are really struggling financially at the moment.

My children are aged 6 and 10 years and they enjoy going to places like Costa Coffee for a cake but things like that are not cheap! !

Am I being totally unreasonable to either refuse or let them have something as long as they use their own money? They have money from generous relatives left from their birthday's as we can't afford pocket money.

OP posts:

snooter · 12/08/2013 09:32

My 15yo son's school (private) now has a Costa franchise & the children can go & spend money there in break times. I hate the whole principle of the thing but there you are. I pay for school lunches anyway (good, filling & he eats everything) so he has to take his own money if he wants to go. It seems he & his friends go about twice a month at the most & spend £1.50 each on a hot chocolate, which I think is not unreasonable. I did provide some cash for him so he could treat his friend to a cake on the friend's birthday.

Original poster

SoWorriedPleaseHelp · 12/08/2013 11:00

Thanks again for your input.

My eldest son always has something he wants to buy - namely wii games but my youngest never asks for anything as he just isn't "into" anything! !

I really struggle at birthdays and Christmas to think of things for him. On the occasion he does buy stuff it isn't even played with and just discarded. So my op was more in relation to him sd he just keeps hold of his cash but I know he loves the treat of a cake and a babychino

OP posts:

Original poster

SoWorriedPleaseHelp · 12/08/2013 11:01

Sd = as

OP posts:

TheMagicKeyCanFuckOff · 12/08/2013 12:43

I think it's okay. If he really enjoys and loves it, then give him the option. Only a few times a year or whatever, but it's a treat, it's his money. I think if he saves and really wants to, then why not? Tell him that it's quite expensive and special, and only say, four times a year, or three times a year, but let him.

I think it would be a shame to stop letting him spend money on something he really, honestly loves doing/going to. If he really values going, I'd say let him spend his own money, although you could do home baking or whatever if you can afford, but I think if it honestly makes him happy, then why not?

HellonHeels · 12/08/2013 12:54

No harm in explaining to them why you can't just pop in and have a treat, being careful with money etc. No harm either in allowing them to choose to spend their birthday money on a treat - enjoying a social occasion in a cafe is just as valuable an experience as buying a toy or a magazine IMO. I give my niece and nephew a generous cash gift for birthdays and they can spend it on whatever they want as far as I'm concerned.

But I'd be wary of laying too much stress on them about money, affording things etc. After my parents' divorce my mother went way over the top in telling me about how dire our financial situation was, not being able to afford the rent etc and that was the end of my childhood, pretty much and the foundation for a lot of anxiety.

HurricaneWyn · 12/08/2013 13:05

As someone who regularly gives nieces and nephews money for birthdays I'd be upset if I found they'd spent it on coffee shop cake.

Why?

My DC get money regularly for gifts & I used to get really stressed about making sure they bought something worthwhile with it - saying no all the time when we're out, trying to make internal judgements about whether or not Gran would think it's a good use of her money etc.

Now I've decided if relatives want the DC to have something in particular they can buy it - otherwise it's their money to spend as they choose.

Fairyegg · 12/08/2013 13:33

Take them to a supermarket and show then how many cakes they can get for the same as the price of one in costa. My kids have never been in such places as we can't afford it, I don't think there deprived . For their birthdays and Christmas I ask family to give them money to put in their accounts. From this they pay for there own swimming lessons, brownies, ballet etc and also season tickets for locall attractions they enjoy so even when we have no money at all we have somewhere fun to go

TheMagicKeyCanFuckOff · 12/08/2013 14:27

I agree HurricaneWyn - I give my nieces and nephews money so they can use it for themselves, hopefully to make them happy. If they spend it badly, their choice. But if they spent it on something like a cake or whatever in Costa and genuinely enjoyed it, fine. I gave them money so they can use it to make them happy, not so they buy something which makes me happy.

ComposHat · 12/08/2013 14:51

Why not buy the ingredients for making a cake and make one together? It is a fun activity and the cake will cost a fraction of the ones at Costa.

Vajazzler · 12/08/2013 15:56

The reason I wouldn't be happy is because I give them money for something 'worthwhile' and feel half an hour in a coffee shop is waste of money and easily forgotten. Just my personal view. I make sure my dcs money is spent wisely. Pocket money is for day to day stuff. Birthday and Christmas money must be spent more wisely.

curlew · 12/08/2013 16:01

When my fil discovered that one of my sils insisted on the money he gave her children be spent "wisely", he stopped giving them the actual money and took them out on glorious splurges of shopping days instead.

Oh, she was cross........!

SofiaVagueara · 12/08/2013 16:02

I think it's fine. It will be positive in that it will treat them the value of money, teach them budgeting as they'll be needing to plan how often to do it so they can do it in future too.

Vajazzler · 12/08/2013 16:25

Just to say... I don't stop my children spending their money on a toy they want or other bits and pieces I'm not an ogre! I just don't want it going on stuff like coffee and cake or visits to the sweet shop.

curlew · 12/08/2013 17:08

Does that mean you never spend your money on a coffee and a cake?

Vajazzler · 12/08/2013 17:18

Not money gifted to me for birthdays and Christmas no. Usually buy something like a handbag or clothes.

Fairyliz · 12/08/2013 17:29

My kids are teenagers now, but when they were younger I use to ask them if they wanted to spend their pocket money on treats like this.
Funnily enough they never did.

happygirl87 · 12/08/2013 18:18

curlew

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 13/08/2013 09:33

'As someone who regularly gives nieces and nephews money for birthdays I'd be upset if I found they'd spent it on coffee shop cake.'

Not much of a present if it has conditions, is it? Coffee and cake in a cafe might be a 'waste of money and easily forgotten' to you, but very meaningful and enjoyable to one of your nieces or nephews.

If you give money as presents, I don't think you can become attached to the idea of what the recipient might spend it on.

Vajazzler · 13/08/2013 09:48

I don't put a list of appropriate things they may spend it on in the card with the money I just said I would be upset to discover they had spent it that way. It's just how I was raised. Pocket money was for frittering, Christmas and birthday money was for spending on something better.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 13/08/2013 17:51

But my point is that it's a bit off to give money and attach conditions to it, even if they're just conditions in your head. Your 'frittering' might be someone else's 'fantastic day-making treat'.

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