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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Self riteous mums

51 replies

Peacenquiet2 · 11/08/2013 22:39

Right where do i start. My daughter s almost seven and has been friends with a kid in her class since nursery age. Through thier friendship i got friendly with the mum of the kid, not going out together sort of friendly but chatting at gatherings and having the others kid over for tea sort of friendly.

There is also another mum whom both girls play with the daughter of. The mum of my daughters friend seemed ok at first but im discovering she has quite a manipulative petty side to her. Its obvious she has decided she wants to be good friends with the other mum which i couldnt care less about.
However in the process she is clearly influencing her daughter by coercing her to befriend the other girl and have less to do with my daughter which is proving to be quite upsetting for my daughter as she values the friendship.
Anyhow i also have a son who is just 3 and she has another daughter who is few months older, who will both be attending nursery together in september. Its very obvious this mum doesnt like my son (shes openly admitted she doesnt like boys) and when we are in the same place for an hour each week once a week her daughter will repeat things that have clearly come from her mums mouth, about my son. My son is very babyish in many ways whereas her daughter is more grown up so she manipulates my son into doing naughty stuff then turns on the tears so that he gets in trouble. Arrrrgggg!

This woman has even gone so far as to go into the nursery to warn the teacher that her daughter may play up when she is in my sons company, which she openly told me she had done. I was so annoyed and gobsmacked at her audacity i had to bite my tongue and calmy walk away before i said somthing i couldnt take back.
She basically likes to think her kids are infalable (which isnt true by any means) and refuses to see beyond that.

She has started to refuse invites for her elder child to come and play after school on the grounds her daughter doesnt want to but i guess this decision is strongly infuenced somewhat by her.

She is manipulative in her personal life also from what i can gather as her poor husband is so brow beaten that he darent have a life outside her/the home/kids etc unless on her order. Ive never met a more complying, quiet man and he has my sympathies.

Let me hasten to add i dont wish to maintain or develop a better friendship with this woman as i dont need negative people in my life, but i have to see her for the next several years on an almost daily basis and wondered how to deal with this situation without making things awkard so any suggestions/input are welcome?
Sorry it has been a long post and hope its possible to follow.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 11/08/2013 22:42

Avoid her like the plague.

Befriend lots of other parents so you don't need to talk to her.

ourlittlestreet · 11/08/2013 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

quesadilla · 11/08/2013 22:47

She sounds like a nightmare. I would also try to make as many new mum friends as you can, maintain the relationship on a cordial basis for the sake of your dd but ignore her spiteful comments and try not to rise to her (unless she does something actively nasty.) it sounds like she is goading you.

Then try to gently let the friendship drift. You don't know whether her dd's reaction is conditioned by her: as you say it seems likely, but if your dd's still want to remain friends they will find their own way through it.

Best way to deal with these people ime is just to react to them as little as possible.

HaroldLloyd · 11/08/2013 22:54

I would do nothing but avoid her as much as possible and when not be breezily polite. The nursery staff will soon suss her out.

Its shame as your DDs are friendly but I would just leave them to socialise in their own, she wont be able to try and manipulate her friendships for ever.

Apart from anything else she will not make many friends being so openly childish about boys, quite a lot of the mothers at school will have boys and find her comments equally as ridiculous.

stickingattwo · 11/08/2013 22:57

yabu for not being able to spell

HaroldLloyd · 11/08/2013 22:59

sticking dont be a tit will you.

thornrose · 11/08/2013 23:01

God, the spelling comment is so bloody uncalled for. What is wrong with some people?

ArgyMargy · 11/08/2013 23:02

Lol Sticking! Grin YANBU but let it all go. As long as your daughter is happy, forget the rest - it's really not worth it. This is one of the things that as a working mum I never noticed and therefore never got involved in. Thank God.

LynetteScavo · 11/08/2013 23:08

They are typo's, not an inability to spell. Hmm

Original poster
Peacenquiet2 · 12/08/2013 00:44

Thanks for the replies. I think you are all right in that i need to let it go cos its grinding on mg wick and i honestly dont think she should be capable of making me feel like that.
Argy i work but its shifts so im usually there for drop off or pick up, which to be honest i try to keep short n sweet anyway, we are last in and first out!
Harold i hope youre right about the staff sussing her as thats bugged me no end to the point i considered goin in after half term to set the record straight but fear looking like a possessed woman so decided against it.
Thanks all for input :-)

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 12/08/2013 00:56

Very shitty post stickingattwo, you don't seem clued up enough on capitals and punctuation to criticise anyone else.

Should have been 'YABU for not being able to spell.'

The worst thing I thought in your OP Peacenquiet, was that she was going to the nursery and badmouthing your DS.

Who would do that??

Making out that her opinion was fact, you'd hope the people working at the nursery would think she's a cow beyond that, but it'd play on my mind that they might mark your DS down as trouble before he's even started off, bless him.

Just be as friendly and polite as you have been with her so far and prune anything that's not at the school gates. Your DC will find new friends, and so will you Smile

BrianTheMole · 12/08/2013 00:56

yabu for not being able to spell

Why is that unreasonable?

AlfalfaMum · 12/08/2013 01:36

What type of person 'doesn't like boys'? Shock

The nursery staff will see through her, they will get to know your ds and her dd and work it out themselves. I bet they already think she's a right twit coming in to tell them that!

Your dd will make other friends with kinder mums.

Beastofburden · 12/08/2013 01:38

Nursery staff are professionals who have done training in childcare. They are all taught not to accept gossip about kids from other parents- it's partly about confidentiality - only if a parent or carer tells them something about their own child do they take notice of it. With exceptions for suspected abuse, etc.

They will observe the kids for themselves and trust me, they are well used to picking out the ones who wind up the others and walk away with their halo glistening.

formicadinosaur · 12/08/2013 04:36

Help your DD develop other friendships

NewAtThisMalarky · 12/08/2013 06:09

Do you know that the mother is influencing the daughter, or are you just guessing based on the fact she doesn't like your son? Children do change their own minds on friendships, and I don't see anything you have written being anything other than speculation based on other factors.

MammaTJ · 12/08/2013 06:47

The nursery staff will have seen many a parent like her and be wide to her ways! They barely listen toy what parents have to say about their own child, so would not listen to what is said about tots by another mother! They will watch and she will be the one they judge got having said that!

MammaTJ · 12/08/2013 06:47

For having said that*

TimeofChange · 12/08/2013 07:38

*yabu for not being able to spell

Why is that unreasonable?*

Brian: It is unreasonable, as it is no help at all to the OP.
God only knows why we all have to have perfect spelling.
Some perfect spellers also have an inate sense of being superior to us lesser mortals.

Pagwatch · 12/08/2013 07:49

I think Brianthemole meant to question why an inability to spell would constitute being unreasonable, not to question why stickingattwos comment was unreaonable
Stickingattwos comment was not unreasonable. But only a twat would have posted it.

mumofweeboys · 12/08/2013 07:51

It's so hard with kids and their friends. I would have as little contact as possible, stop inviting the friend around - if she wants to see your daughter she will soon nag her mum.

I would widen your daughters friendsship group so she feels like she isn't missing out. Get her to join a group like brownies, St. John's ambulance, girls brigade ect, she will makes loads of new friends and even in later school life it will help her to have friends outside of school especially god forbid she has to deal with bullies later on.

TimeofChange · 12/08/2013 07:53

Brian: Many apologies.

meditrina · 12/08/2013 08:08

I think the key things here are ensuring your DS has a smooth start to nursery (probably the lesser worry, as staff will assess new joiners from scratch, based on actual events at the nursery) and your DD's friendships (I don't think you posted on how important these two other girls are to DD and what it will mean for her friendship circles in the holidays and when they go back).

feelingood · 12/08/2013 08:11

Similar thing happened to me and quite a few others.

she sounds wendyesque

avoid though as you say it is hard when you have to see them every day.

get in and get out thats all you can do.

HaroldLloyd · 12/08/2013 08:13

OP I think they will, don't get drawn into you complaining to them about her she you etc, they will see for themselves your DS is no trouble and I bet she will be moaning about something else pretty soon, seems the type!

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