To be so paranoid

[Rachael200694]

I just need some opinions on a situation that happened a while ago because I've started thinking about it again and it's driving me crazy! Don't like to discuss it with friends incase it gives them a bad view of my partner unnecessarily. I think getting a different view on it might help me think more rationally!

My partner was being weird with me for a while and wasn't very interested in me. And we went to Pizza Hut for dinner and he then told me he wasn't going to eat, so I felt a bit humiliated being the only one to eat. And he sat there not even talking to me and was on his phone. We got back to his and a message popped up on his phone (I love iPhone for making messaging light up) and it was from a girl he is "friends" with. So he'd been texting her whilst out having a nice time ignoring me!
I kicked off a bit and he said they were just friends and that he'd stop talking to her if I wanted him to. I said no but just I was hurt he did it. So the next day I said to him please can I just see these messages you'd been sending to eachother just for peace of mind so I could get it out of my head something was going on.
Conveniently he said had "deleted" these messages, I think that's incredibly dodgy!
After having a previous boyfriend cheat on me I am super paranoid because I always had a hunch my previous partner had cheated and eventually found out I was right!!

Am I being daft to feel so uneasy? I'm always dying to check his messages but I don't have the heart to do it cause I kinda believe he wouldn't. But part of me is always dying to look cause I've got a bit of a hunch!

I think being "weird" and uninterested in you a bad indicator, as are his appalling manners on the night out, irrespective of texting another woman.

Rachael I'm sorry to say but this doesn't sound like a case of once bitten twice shy. I don't think it's paranoia I think it's your instinct telling you to pay attention.

Regardless of if he is cheating or not his very bad manners and lack of understanding of your feelings would be enough for me! YANBU

I agree! That's what added to it really when I found he'd been texting her because he wasn't interested in me, so maybe interested in someone else!
I must say he has been a hell of a lot more attentive and loving towards me for quite a while now. But I've just started wondering about it again because even though he's good wig me he's started not texting back for hours when the phone says he's seen my messages. And he also is having days off work where he doesn't see me at all which is unlike him. I feel like I'm over reacting though!

He sounds a self centred bore from this very small insight.
I am not one for declaring " LTB " but it does not sound like a relationship that is growing and flourishing. It sounds like he plays games and you unwilling join in unsure of what is going on.

How serious is the relationship? If you're living together, I'd say it's quite suspicious for him to take days off work and you not see him at all. If it's a relatively new or semi-serious relationship (in the sense that you've been together a while but aren't yet at cohabiting stage) then he's not BU to have days to himself rather then devote every moment of his free time to seeing you.

Not texting you back for hours doesn't mean anything in itself either. I sometimes take a couple of days to reply to texts because I see them, make a mental note to type out a good reply soon but then forget entirely.

Sitting in a restaurant with you and texting someone else - male or female - all evening is bloody rude and would upset me too.

I dunno. Nothing you've described jumps out at me as a red flag for cheating behaviour, but when you put it all together I think I'd be feeling a bit insecure too. The only way you'll know is to ask him.

Smite- what's your take on the deleting texts thing though?

We're not living together yet but are saving up til we can afford to. He isn't funny with me like he used to be at times, he seems to have grown up a bit but every now and then it starts nagging at the back of my head again.

I completely understand he doesn't have to spend all his time with me but for example he's been off work for 2 days now and has been taking hours between each text then last night he said to me he'd been lonely all day, don't get that one!! He was too busy to bother with me but was lonely all day...
I'm not the type where I want him to see me all the time, but I've got to say I do worry when I get ignored too much now!

Also I've spoken to him about it and he says they're just friends from school and he likes keeping in touch with her. Which half of me believes but deleting the texts has proper messed me up! Cause nobody ever deletes texts nowadays cause they get deleted automatically so there's no need to delete!
I also bare in mind I used to ask my ex about the girl I thought there was something going on with and he used to laugh and make me feel stupid! So talking seems pointless to me

honestly, what are you getting out of this? to be blunt, its sounding like he's only interested in you when it suits him and what he feels like. if he seemed like he didn't want to be with you for a period of time, he probably didn't.
I'm sorry, but you're worth more than someone dicking you about.

why delete the texts?? that for me is very suspicious.

Ask if his friend has a partner and if they fancy meeting up for a drink one evening with you both ?

She's single I'm afraid! But good idea!

Without the deleted texts I'd not have a problem I don't think!
I only ever delete texts if they upset me to see them in my inbox, ie. when a friend says something pissy

I also now regret not saying, show to me that they're deleted! Cause he might have said it as an excuse to not show me but they might have still been there. - These are the daft things i should have done that my brain thinks up!

"And he also is having days off work where he doesn't see me at all"

Do you know what he is doing on those days? Nothing wrong with having your own time, of course. But is he open about what he does?

Yeah I'm more than happy for him to have his own time and space but I feel odd about it ATM.
Yesterday he said he was with his mum, sister and niece which is very possible but something feels funny!
Today he said he was going to get up early to go play snooker, again fair enough. But I've asked if he wants to see a film at 7 and he's said he doesn't know, it might be busy and he doesn't wanna go if its busy. But I felt like it was an excuse!

I'd understand if I was mega needy and seeing him 24-7 but I give him space all the time.

Hi Rachel, to be fair, if you hadn't made it clear that you were not being needy, I may have thought that perhaps previous experience had made you clingy, I have been in a situation where I really should have been brave enough to end it but the guy was so "I just know you are going to leave me like Whitney did". However, you say you didn't demand to see the texts, you haven't pushed him too much (although in a normal relationship you don't have to worry) and I think that the general consensus is correct. He may well only be friends with her but in some ways that is worse. If he deleted them, he may well have texted something like "at Pizza Hut with Rach, not into this relationship stuff eye roll).
Either way, it is disloyal and unfair. You are not being paranoid and your gut is probably correct. Can I ask if this guy is the "one"? is this really special to you? I know when I met my husband of 15 years, I knew straight away. He was the first man who seemed to actually like me after many years of this type of experience. I may be completely wrong but after 15 years we still sit in pizza hut, either relaxing and reading our kindles and not talking or chatting about whatever. I never feel paranoid but believe me, I used to and still have friends who make me feel like that. My rule is now, if I think I saw their eyes meeting and rolling when I say something, they probably are.

Just to add, Mr Theo is seething, he pointed out that first of all it is rude to refuse to eat when going for a meal with someone. He also feels that if he were not married to me (which means apparently I won't be offended when he comes home from rugby too full to eat) it is ridiculous to meet someone at an eaterie and not eat. He did say, although this may just be him, even if he was fullest of the full, would still have had a garlic bread and pecked at the pizza. He is adamant that this is not acceptable or normal. He asked me to add this to say YADNBU.

Yeah I'm lucky to not have been made a clingy person really! I do worry a lot more because of my past experience but I don't show it by pestering or anything like that!

Tell Mr Theo thank you for his input! It is very odd behaviour isn't it, I wish I'd have put my foot down more at the time. It's nice to hear from a mans point of view that its wrong too, cause I know sometimes men and women see things in different ways. But like you say it's just plain rude to go out and not eat. Wouldn't be so bad if he was talking to me and making decent conversation to compensate!

Something else interesting he said a while back when me and him were a bit distant was "I've never been good at relationships". Which says to me he can't honestly love me if he's saying that. Cause if you genuinely love someone you are good at being in the relationship cause you care for them and things go well because of that? I don't see "being bad at relationships" as being a REAL problem, it doesn't exist in my eyes!

Mr Theo is so angry! Not sure if I can repeat his words

Got a bit of an update: he hasn't yet been to snooker and its 6pm! I asked what he's been doing all day and be says he's been with his niece. And then added that his friend Jack has offered to play snooker tonight but can't cause it's unfair on me (he said I could come round tonight even though he won't really tell me a time) Seems quite obvious he's saying it so I say he doesn't have to see me, do you think?

Mr Theo says don't go, I say just turn up.

The only thing you sound paranoid about is the thinking you might be paranoid! He's obviously having secret conversations with this woman right under your nose, that he deletes (who does this? Only people saying stuff they don't want their oh to see - usually because they are shagging someone else, or trying to). This much you have seen with your own eyes. The other things - how he treats you, are all awful as well. LTB, and raise your standards, a lot.

Been thinking about it and I actually have taken so much shit off people! Thinking about the way my ex treated me at times I can't believe how much of a mug I can be.
Thinking back to how my partner was with me when we were out that day I shoulda left him there!
I never do a single thing intentionally to hurt anyone in my life, but it seems people are more than happy to disregard my feelings. Being nice is a curse til you learn to stand up for yourself it would seem!

Or you could look at it that only non nice people abuse the nice trusting people. So the equation you should seek is nice + nice = balanced, healthy, loving mutually respectful relationship.
You do sound lovely.