Facebook, sorry all-but it's really pissing me off.

[MummyBeerest]

I should be asleep. I'm not, because I really can't understand it.

I had my DD's first birthday party. Everything went well, fun was had, lovely pictures taken by my cousin who's a photographer. She tagged all of these pictures on FB.

My mother is a bit of a Facebook addict so she has already gone through all 75ish pictures, liked and commented etc.

She has also made a picture of my DD and my sister her profile picture and captioned it "Love my girls."

Background: My mother often calls my sister her "beautiful daughter. " People have even asked her before, "Don't you have another daughter? " when she says this.

AIBU to think "Wtf?" It's my DD, my party for my DD, and yet she chooses that picture out of dozens. My DD and her aunt.

I'm being sensitive, aren't I?

in my haze of insomnia .... no ... YANBU
I'd be very hurt by something like that, but too tired to offer any constructive advice, sorry

This isn't you being sensitive, this is your mum being a complete arse about how she treats you, your sister, and is now dragging your DD into her weird exclusion zone.

Have you brought this up with her before now?

I'm guessing she didn't take it well if you have.

It's a horrible thing to do.

The worst bit for me is her starting to set up your DD in competition/against you and firmly in her love in camp.

You had no choice to go along with how you were treated by her as a child, but you can choose something different for your DD.

Thank you Agent, I absolutely agree I want better for my daughter. So much so, that if my mother is the only option for childcare for DD, I refuse to go out

Bit extreme perhaps, but the years of emotional abuse and mind games have done me in.

And yes, I have brought it up to her. So many times in fact, that my DH has told me to let it die because she will clearly never change.

You shouldn't feel embarrassed that you'd choose not to go out over your mum looking after her.

That's what it's done to you, you've been left thinking you should be embarrassed.

You should feel empowered (and a little bit angry, if anything, not too much as it's self destructive, but a bit of being fucked off is a good incentive) you've taken steps to stop your mum using your DD for her own gratification like this.

This is one of the times where it's OK to judge someone else.

Your DH is trying to spare you by saying that, it's good advice. Even though it really hurts knowing she can act like this towards you (when you desperately want the stereotypical/traditional/unconditional motherly love), it hurts more by constantly trying to find evidence of it when it's not there.

It's crap

If this was a one off I'd agree that you were being oversensitive.

Sounds very much like she has a favourite, and doesn't care who knows it.

I wonder what would happen to your DD if your sister has a daughter.

She sounds toxic. I don't have any advice, other than to try and avoid your daughter getting too attached to her - which you seem to be doing anyway.

Totally second all of the above advice.

Also, come off FB. I can highly recommend it, no longer do I get pissed off with comments/likes and not being invited to things when other friends are, etc.

Depends whether this is a one-off or a regular kind of thing? Going on your last sentence i assume this has happened more than once. If so your mother seems to be displaying toxic qualities as it seems she sees your sister as a favourite.

Agree that you aren't being over sensitive, and you are right to limit her time with dd and any control over you by limiting childcare favours.

Can you hide your mum so you don't need to see her Facebook? (or defriend if you ate feeling brave). You won't change her, she sees nothing wrong in her favouritism so just limit her ability to hurt you. But also limit ability to hurt your dd, agree she might well be sidelined if your sister has a dd or you have another dd, you know your mum thinks its ok to treat one child better than another, it could well only be z matter of time before your dd falls out of favour (I'd have a friends only party next year for dd, limit your mums access to big events too)

I take that you paid for your DD's picture? You therefore own copyright. Report it to FB and tell her she has no right to use it.

But I'm mean like that.

This is what's annoying about tagging pictures and the like. Can you block your mum or severely limit her access to your FB?

Actually, the photograper owns the copyright, not OP. Regardless of payment.

Just to add, while you've talked to your mum about it a lot, have you talked to your Dsis? It might help if you present a 'united front' and it's not you just being sensitive but both of you saying it's unacceptable?

She sounds like a nightmare! You can control who sees and shares your pictures, there is an audience tab when you create a new post, it's very useful to keep annoying fb'ers at arms length (like my boyfriends mum). If I was you, and feeling particularly bitchy, I'd delete the album and re-upload it while blocking it from her view and also controlling who tags in it. If anyone asks, just saw it wasn't displaying properly for you.

YANBU. Keep your DD away from her as much as possible.

Talking to your sister is a good idea.

Your mum is in the wrong, yanbu to be upset. I don't think you'll change her though.

Thanks all for the replies!

I do think that I should tell her this hurts me but it seems my DH feels it will start a needless argument. Never mind that any and all interaction with her is needlessly complicated

And I agree that I should just delete Facebook. I generally find it a PITA. I mean really-what ridiculousness!

Usually I am like 'Oh get a grip it's only Facebook etc'. But actually in the case YANBU. It's a bit hurtful, and especially when it is your DD's birthday.

Can you comment something like " didn't you forget one?" To show her another perspective?
Not nice for you.

Comment on it..."did you forget me?x"
See if she deletes it or replies.

I sympathise MummyBeerest.

Just to add another thought FWIW - my DG had a favourite DC until she needed help and he wasn't there, unlike the other two. She bragged about him less then and did seem to genuinely appreciate her other DC.

I agree that bringing this up with your mother probably won't be helpful - she will probably either be defensive or fob you off with something. She's unlikely to have a proper discussion.

She is a flawed character. You deserve more than to have to chase her. My advice is to stop chasing her, be kind to yourself and prioritise having fun with your DD, DH and other loved ones.

Thank you again everyone. ..I can happily update that she has changed the picture. Someone ELSE commented along the lines of "aren't you forgetting one?"

About a minute later it's a new picture.

Oh, Facebook. What a time-suck.

Ah OP.. feel so much for you.. thank god someone had the manners to notice you were left out!!!
FB is a total pain in the arse sometimes.. but still .. it just 'outs' people's personality.

Hope you are feeling ok now.

Glad someone else said that to her and she changed it. At least others can see how unfair she is being.

That said the picture alone would not bother me too much, the comment is the big issue. Had she put "love this pic of my darling granddaughter and her Aunt" I wouldn't see it as a big thing.
But the way she has commented on her FB is just not nice. You deserve better MummyBeerest.

Exactly Little

It's not so much the picture, but why she chose it and what she said that bothers me.

Oh, and someone upthread asked about my sister...she agrees my mother treats us unfairly, but warns me that I really wouldn't want the attention she gets from my mother. I'm sure she's not wrong, but I'd never know.

Feeling better today.