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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my friend is an idiot!

19 replies

BrummyMummy2012 · 11/08/2013 00:19

We've been friend since we were children but now I've had enough of being her councillor and listening to the crap when she doesn't take any advice I give her!
She's been married for 15 years and her husband has been having an affair for 10 of those years!
When she first found out she was going to leave him but he promised to end it and somehow they 'worked it out'
They had 3 children and she discovered he had 2 children with the other woman. Any how, she found out a while back that the affair had not ended and the woman now has 3 children with her husband and is expecting his 4th child.
Obviously I've told her to leave him and she will hasnt but everyday I hear this and I'm actually sick of it now?
Am I a shitty friend. I'm just sick of trying to help when she clearly can't help herself!

OP posts:

MrsRajeshKoothrappali · 11/08/2013 00:22

Next time she wants advice just say;

"I've already told you many times what to do."

Then change the conversation.

purplewithred · 11/08/2013 00:22

Nope. It's tiresome and frustrating watching someone self destruct. If you agreed to never discuss her marital situation again would it still be worth being friends?

Original poster

BrummyMummy2012 · 11/08/2013 00:25

It is ALL she talks about. I've told her a hundred times I just don't want to discuss it anymore but it creeps up everyte we talk. I am pregnant also and when I was talking about my scan she started talking about the o/w being pregnant...
Asking me what would I do if my husband had done this, and I told her it would be finished.
She's even asked me how do I know my husband isn't doing it too ( our husbands are friends also )
She is sending me absolutely mental.

OP posts:

NotYoMomma · 11/08/2013 00:25

10 years - wow!

have you had the extremely blunt 'wtf are you doing still with him, where is your self respect?'

she probably knows but is either
sad and deeply in love with him
terrified of being alone
terrified for her kids future

etc

just say you dont know what else to advise and change the subject.

do you know him? is it true?

Iamsparklyknickers · 11/08/2013 00:26

I don't think you're a shitty friend if you put it bluntly to her.

Nothing wrong with sitting her down and pointing out that hearing a constant loop of how generally fucked up her relationship is and her pain for 10 years is starting to strain your friendship. I would be inclined to say that although I will be there for her in an instant if/when she decides to take some action I don't want to hear her tales of self-sabotage anymore. It's a subject that's off limits till something changes.

It might be a catalyst for her to not take any more crap, or it might be a catalyst for the end of your friendship, hell she may even decide that she'll learn to live with it but I think you may end up just not liking her if you don't lay it out honestly.

MrsRajeshKoothrappali · 11/08/2013 00:26

Then cut contact.

Doesn't sound like you're getting much out of the friendship.

NotYoMomma · 11/08/2013 00:27

what does your DH say about his mate? I would be

can you just distance yourself?

AgentZigzag · 11/08/2013 00:29

You're not a shitty friend, listening to her and going round in circles must be so frustrating.

Why do you think she stays with him?

Does she actually complain to you about him? That must be a bit weird if the evidence is that she's not that fussed because she's stayed for so long knowing about it.

How long ago did she find out?

Original poster

BrummyMummy2012 · 11/08/2013 00:34

Well my own husband knew very early on and didnt say anything to me, so this put a strain on our own marriage because I thought and still think that he should have exposed it from the start. He said he didn't know it was still going on. He knows his friend is a complete arse of a man but also says his friend loves the other woman and is only staying with my friend due to family pressures ( they are Asian and had an arranged marriage)
I have cut down the amount of time I spend with her but there's calls too and it is honestly every other conversation. In phone or in person.
I've even offered to take her to the woman's house. I told her to make him chose. But I think she's scared he will chose the other woman.

OP posts:

Original poster

BrummyMummy2012 · 11/08/2013 00:36

Agentzigzag she found out about 6 years ago, then they 'worked it out' then she found out about 3/4 months ago that it was still going on.

OP posts:

Childcareisscary · 11/08/2013 00:38

Your friend is being mean. What a thing to say"how do you know your husband isn't having affair?" For that statement alone I would immediately stop all contact and say, if you have nothing positive to bring to our friendship then let's have some space.

AgentZigzag · 11/08/2013 00:41

Your poor DH (IMO) I can see how it could be taken that he'd put loyalty to his friend over his loyalty to you, but he was probably trying to avoid putting you in the same situation he found himself in. (although if he could keep that from you it'd make me wonder what else he was able to 'not tell' you about, I would prefer to make the decision for myself rather than him try to shield me from it)

Does your friends family know what her DH has been up to?

Could that be keeping her there longer than she would want?

AgentZigzag · 11/08/2013 00:45

But her friend is doing just what the OP does to her Childcare.

If the OP can tell her to LTB, it's within the boundaries of a friendship to say 'how do you know yours isn't up to the same?', especially if she thought her's wasn't up to anything and it turns out he was.

She's probably questioning how she judges things - her whole life if she didn't even have an inkling about it.

Original poster

BrummyMummy2012 · 11/08/2013 00:47

Ohhh believe me we had massive rows in the beginning, I wondered if he had also being having an affair.
I was hurt too. So when it all came up again I didn't want all that dragged up.
I'm very certain my husband hasn't and wouldn't cheat on me so the comment she made about my husband didnt really mean anything to me.
I don't know If her family know this time but they certainly did when it first came out and they were all for her leaving him. But she didnt. It isn't anyone but her.
She can't listen, can't be told. He is hardly ever home. Day or night. It's like he just keeps his clothes there.
He doesn't contribute much financially either by the sounds of things.

OP posts:

HooverFairy · 11/08/2013 00:50

I don't think cutting contact is very constructive advice - you say she's a friend? Then you don't want to cut her loose when she's going through it, it might have been going on for years but that's her choice. I understand that it's your choice not to listen to her going on about it, but rather than abandoning her when she's in need I think you need to speak to her.

It is not ok for her to insinuate that your husband could also be having an affair and this is definitely something you should pull her up on. I think you need to speak to her bluntly, tell her you are not prepared to listen to it anymore and explain the strain it's having on your friendship. This might jolt her into actually doing something about the situation, be honest with her and tell her that although affairs are terrible it's much worse for her to stay into the relationship. Tell her there is only so much advice you can give and that it's affecting your relationship with her, that you feel that she doesn't respect your advice and it's making you not want to spend time with her. Your friend needs the opportunity to decide whether she will let this affair affect her marriage and her friendships, rather than have that decision made for her.

After you've spoken to her bluntly about it, see how it goes. If things don't change then I think that's grounds to stop getting in touch.

Original poster

BrummyMummy2012 · 11/08/2013 00:53

I feel like just cutting all ties with her, but on the other hand I don't want to :(
She is a really good friend, but she is just so stupid. Maybe she is considering leaving. But she's obsessed now and 'I'm the only person she can talk to' and I just don't want to hear it.

OP posts:

FreudiansSlipper · 11/08/2013 01:01

i do not think you are being a crap friend you can only take so much

but she is not an idiot she is scared and has probably had every bit of self esteem taken from her by her lying cheating husband. you say she is asian, in some asian cultures divorcing your husband is just a big no no and it may be for her

her seeing counsellor may help her. someone who will just listen as she talks and comes to terms with her situation and will not give advice because she is not ready to leave

do not be hard on yourself you could look up some counsellors in your area for her on the bacp website www.bacp.co.uk

MortifiedAdams · 11/08/2013 01:02

Honestly? I would say "You have heard all I have to say on the matter. I refuse to talk to you about this subject any more. As it seems to be your only topic of conversation, then it stands to reason that we will no longer be in contact. I hope you find the strength to leave him"

AgentZigzag · 11/08/2013 01:07

I really meant that she could have been asking you how you know your DH isn't doing the same because she was questioning her own measurements of 'everything's OK' rather than she really thought he was.

She thought it was OK and turned out she was wrong, again, that must totally skew trusting your own judgement, and she was just asking you how you measure that your DH isn't up to anything.

It'd depend on how she said it of course.

Agree it wouldn't be a good time to cut her loose, if you're thinking of that then why not just tell her straight that it's too much for you and see what she says.

I'd advise her to post on MN tbh, they're a decent, lovely bunch in relationships, it might take some of the heat off you.

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