To not go to scattering of my mother's & stepfather's ashes?

[Twitterqueen]

Will try to be brief. I don't want to go because:
Stepbrother's new girlfriend - whom none of us immediate siblings know or had even met before mum's funeral, and whom my mum didn't know, took pride of place in the church at funeral service, displacing me to 4 rows back, having to sit on my own, will not only be attending but will be 'playing host'.

Step Sil refused for over 10 years to attend any family gatherings, including mum & stepdad's 25th wedding anniversary party and joint 70th birthday party, but will be in attendance at other step-brother's insistence.

I just feel it's a complete mockery. Should I just shut up and put up? Or be honest and say I'm sorry, but this is not something I feel has meaning for me and I would rather commemorate them both in my own way?

I don't want to go

Why are your step relatives scattering your mother's ashes? If things are that tense then take her ashes and do it yourself either with or without them and they can do the same for their father.

I should have said it's a joint scattering - they died within a month of each other so apparently we are scattering both together, which is what they would have wanted.

at someone who isnt even family shoving you aside so they can sit up front at your mums funeral. how awful

I dont think Youre unreasonable to feel the way you do but do think you might live to regret not going to scatter your mums ashes. Can you not take charge of your mums ashes at all? Stepbrothers new GF should back the hell off, whether she is trying to be helpful or not.

Well I don't think they would have wanted you to feel you couldn't attend or play a part. Come on OP, stick up for yourself. This is your mum (very sorry for such a tough loss combined with losing your stepdad too btw). Ignore who is or isn't oming and concentrate on asserting what YOU want to do and get out of it. It's a joint scattering - so you and your blood siblings have equal say to your stepsibs.

What Northern said. You need to say that this is your mum, and that you intend to do X or Y, not just be told what's happening.

Northern everyone else (my 2 bros & 2 sis) seems to be rolling over and accepting the situation although they've said they don't like it and don't agree with it.

I'm the awkward one in saying I don't like it and don't agree with it but I think they all want me to shut up and put up. But I'm not happy doing that.

She died a year ago yesterday so I'm feeling a bit raw. We weren't close but I don't want this.

I wouldn't go

My grandad died 18mo ago and none of his 3 children bothered to do anything until the last week, I ran up and down to help out heavily pregnant (ds born 4 days before he died) sat with him, went to hospital app done everything but suddenly when he went to the hospice (day DS was born) the 3 of them and his sister who hasn't visited him in the 9mo he'd been ill were front and center hanging over him crying and making a huge bloody show of themselves though nothing practical. I will admit I pushed his sister out of the way when he briefly woke to place DS in his arms and let him hold him before he died and was told by them I should have let them see him first when everyone knew how much he wanted to meet DS IMO he held on to see him the doctor said she could not believe he had woke it was the first time in 2 days and only 10 mins after we'd arrived! After that I was told that i wouldn't be going in the car with my gran because that was their 'place' so I didn't go to the funeral I said i couldn't go and leave DS but in truth I would not sit and watch there crocodile tears over a man who meant the world to me. I just said goodbye my own way.

Gosh that kind of poured out sorry! but the point is do your own thing don't go to a farce that will just upset you.

(BTW as soon as they got their money none of us heard from them again)

Lola- much respect to you and sorry for your loss x -

OP - don't feel bad whatever you do. I can't beat this false grief ( often linked to money grubbing) that surrounds deaths. My mum died- we weren't close - she was a selfish alcoholic who nearly drove my elder sister to a nervous breakdown. Her funeral was simple , dignified and perfunctory. We were asked if any of us wanted to give a eulogy but my sister hit the nail on the head when she said ' I can't think of any nice memories to share'- Sad but true :(

Just remember your mum in a way you want to- the ashes are no big deal. ( x)

Sorry for your loss. My MIL spent years looking after her mum yet when she died it was the estranged brother who had done fuck all who made all the decisions, excluding poor MIL at every opportunity. We went to the church service but MIL decided she couldn't face the cremation/scattering of ashes in a completely irrelevant place so a couple of months after the funeral we bought a bench for a local areas that GMIL loved and held a private memorial service. It was only after this service that MIL felt she could grieve properly.

YANBU not to go, but if you don't then do try to make some time for you to say goodbye in your own way.

One person leaves an awful lot of ashes. You could keep some for yourself and scatter them at a time and place suitable to you? If you think that is something your mum wouldn't have minded?