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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My ex and his constant string of new girlfriends!

25 replies

Netty49 · 10/08/2013 08:03

I split with my ex about 3yrs ago now and although he has set times to see our son, 2 evenings a week for a couple of hours and every other weekend from Fri to Sun, we've always been able to be flexible about this. The only problem I have is he is constantly introducing our son to his latest fling. Our son is autistic and becomes very attached to these people very quickly. Unfortunately these relationships only seem to last a few months and my son becomes upset at the fact he won't see these women again. I am then left to pick up the pieces. I have asked him not to include Alex until he is absolutely sure that he is in a lasting relationship. He has just brought our son back from holiday and it turns out he took yet another new girlfriend with them and told my son not to tell me about it. I have now told him that he can only have supervised visits for now as a result. I am furious that he has brought yet another complete stranger into my son's life and that he expected him to lie for him as well. Is it unreasonable to ask him to wait before he introduces these people to our son?

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 10/08/2013 08:13

YANBU at all.He's well out of order. Sounds like he's more interested in getting his leg over than his sons wellbeing. Asking him to lie is disgusting and would be very confusing for your son.

Time for some stern words.

Ilovemyself · 10/08/2013 08:18

When you say his latest fling do you mean someone he met last week, or someone he has been seeing for a month or 2?

Is he just playing the field or is he the sort of guy that would want to settle down. He sees your son a rentable amount so if he is trying to build a relationship it must be difficult not to want to include your son.

The above said, however, what an arse for telling your son to lie to you

DoJo · 10/08/2013 08:18

YANB at all U to feel like that, but realistically there isn't much you can do. He is a parent just as much as you are and has the right to parent your son as he sees fit. I would be wary of changing the contact arrangements unilaterally over this as it could come back to bite you in the behind (although I can COMPLETELY see why you want to).

Ilovemyself · 10/08/2013 08:19

Sorry. Reasonable. Must put my glasses on. Don't know where rentable came from.

lunar1 · 10/08/2013 08:22

I think you are doing the right thing, my dad this to me and it was horrendous. We felt like we had to be on show every visit like i was some kind of bloody prize cow, to impress his latest fling.

FeelingABitLeftOut · 10/08/2013 08:26

OP you may want to edit your post as I think you've accidentally put your son's name in it.

Really feel for you in this situation and totally think you are right but unsure what you can do about it.

mayorquimby · 10/08/2013 09:30

I think yabu completely
Not in the substance of your gripe but your belief that you can unilaterally decide that he is now to only have supervised access
I'd be straight onto a solicitor if I were him

kinkyfuckery · 10/08/2013 09:38

I feel your pain. My ex introduced the previous gf after 5 days, then asked me to pick up the pieces and tell the kids when they separated as he was "too upset". He a few days later then got back with the 'junkie' (his words) that he'd cheated on for 5-day-ex and brought the kids back in from day 1 because "well, they already know her don't they?!"
I just hope one day he'll settle down and teach them a good example.

YANBU to be upset, but YABU to switch contact, unless there's more to it than just this

Original poster

Netty49 · 10/08/2013 09:50

He has no legal parental rights because we were never married and our son was born before 2003. I have never told him he can't have them he just hasn't got around to applying for them. So I am the one who is legally responsible for our sons emotional welfare. Which is the issue here. That said the supervised access is only a temporary thing. As I put in my message 'supervised for now'. Obviously if it turns out that this is going to be a long term relationship then of course he will want to involve our son. But I believe he was totally in the wrong for taking a stranger on holiday with them and then telling my son to lie to me. He has been with her a couple of weeks as far as I know not long enough to be involved with my son as far as I'm concerned. With my son being autistic we can't automatically judge how these thing affect him, so asking him to wait and be careful isn't unreasonable.

OP posts:

mayorquimby · 10/08/2013 10:08

No asking him isn't unreasonable but to my mind w

mayorquimby · 10/08/2013 10:10

Withdrawing access is

If I were him I'd definitely be getting the pr sorted based on this.

As I said, don't think you're wrong in your concerns but do think you're completely out of order in how you've handled it

Others seem to think you're fine in what you've done. Cest la vie

Rachtoteach · 10/08/2013 10:10

I had exactly the same issue OP! Our kids were 2 and 4 when we split. What quickly followed was a string of girlfriends for my ex, each lasting no more than 2/3 months, and each one being introduced to ds and dd within a couple of weeks! Drove me mad and I just didn't get it.... came to the conclusion that after 2 weeks he ran out of things to say and had to pull out his trump card..... the best thing about him.... our lovely children 'ta daaaah!'

Yanu be to feel how you do.

Original poster

Netty49 · 10/08/2013 10:38

At no point Mayorquimby did I say I was withdrawing access.

OP posts:

DanceParty · 10/08/2013 10:45

He has no legal parental rights because we were never married and our son was born before 2003

Eh?

Original poster

Netty49 · 10/08/2013 10:47

If our son had been born after December 2003 both of us would have automatic parental rights.

OP posts:

Original poster

Netty49 · 10/08/2013 10:48

Married or not.

OP posts:

YoniBottsBumgina · 10/08/2013 11:06

I think you should mention it to him yes, say he's getting upset. Try to word it in a tactful way but say it would be best to do things more gradually, by keeping the new GF separate for the first month, talking about her to DS the second month (but not meeting) and only perhaps short meetings rather than spending the whole weekend with her in the third month. Then after 3 months DS would be used to the idea so she could be around (and hopefully she'd be a bit more likely to stick around if she'd lasted that long!)

The time scale is much faster than I would introduce a new partner but it has to be an improvement on "immediately". You'd have to be careful because if he thinks you are insinuating that he is bringing a string of random women into your DS' life then he might take offence (even if that is what he's doing!) Also it might be best to do it when he is single if possible because otherwise you're saying "I don't expect this to last long, here's some instructions for the next one" which again, will probably get his back up.

I don't think you have a case for supervised access if your son is a teenager and withdrawing completely would be overkill and unfair on your son (I know you haven't said you are doing this). Your best bet is to lay your cards on the table and put the responsibility onto your ex to actually put his son first rather than him. It might be that he is being a bit dim and really thinking the relationship will last, it might be that he's just not thought about the implications at all, it might be that he knows but he's being selfish. Either way I would really emphasise the autism and the fact your DS gets upset and just see if he might consider it.

Original poster

Netty49 · 10/08/2013 11:42

YBB. What you have said makes a lot of sense. Unfortunately I have tried this and it has made no difference.

The only effort he is making is to conceal what he's doing, which is why he is encouraging our son to lie about where he goes and who with(many will think I have caused this, and to be honest I think they are probably right in a way). He refuses to accept our sons condition which makes it harder to get through to him. I know I am coming across as petty and jealous but I can assure everyone that this is not the case. I just don't want to have to deal with the fall out once again if he and his new girlfriend split up and our son is left wondering where she's gone.

OP posts:

LyraSilvertongue · 10/08/2013 11:54

YANBU. When my xp and I split, one of the things we discussed was new partners and we agreed that we would only introduce our sons to a new partner if the relationship was serious and likely to be long-term. Neither of us wanted our sons to be introduced to a string of other men or women. Too confusing and unsettling for them.

Danceparty, the father doesn't have automatic parental responsibility for a child born before 2003 if the parents weren't married, even if he's on the birth certificate. I have one born before 2003 and one after. Xp is applying for pr for our first son.

YoniBottsBumgina · 10/08/2013 11:59

Ah okay. Well in that case I don't think there is anything you can do :( Perhaps it might be worth trying to explain to your son that the next woman might not be around forever either? It must be very confusing for him.

YoniBottsBumgina · 10/08/2013 12:00

You don't sound jealous. You sound like a concerned mother with good cause to be!

mayorquimby · 10/08/2013 12:10

"At no point Mayorquimby did I say I was withdrawing access."

You've gone from unsupervised weekends to dictating he'll only have supervised access. I assume this jeans he'll get less time, or are you going to spend the whole weekend with him, which is withdrawing his access.

Bruthastortoise · 10/08/2013 12:15

Normally thecourts will not consider introducing a string of new GF's as a child protection issue unless they are a danger to the child. It may well be different as

Original poster

Netty49 · 10/08/2013 12:16

I am not the only person who would be able to supervise and if time was lost on a weekend he would get it back at other times.....

OP posts:

Bruthastortoise · 10/08/2013 12:16

Your child has autism but I think the lack of PR is a red herring. The courts will grant it as a matter of course to someone who has been an involved parent.

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