To offload

[StadtMitteHello]

I know IANBU but I just wanted to have a big fat wallow where people might actually read, maybe even comment with some nice words/kick up arse in the middle of the night

I'm quite a lot pregnant, I'm tired, I'm hormonal and today everything has just got massively on top of me and I'm lying in bed crying and wondering how I am going to find the energy to get up tomorrow and look after my toddler and keep a smile on my face. so overwhelmed

I'm beyond petrified of giving birth again after my previous experience- lovely calm labour up until delivery when it all went hideously wrong and I experienced the most traumatic 20 minutes of my life (stuck baby, nearly didnt make it). Have had counselling/debriefings this time round which has simply stirred up all those buried feelings and brought a lot of memories back. I am in this horrible situation where I want so badly a normal birth to heal those wounds, but am not sure I am emotionally strong enough to go through labour again and not sure it's fair on the baby to put them in the same situation as DS was in, even though it's unlikely to happen again, even though doctors\MW's say all should be fine this time around. The thought of ELCS makes me feel sad , like I'm admitting my past experience has broken me.

And I am scared about trying to breastfed again. I just couldn't make it work last time - basically DS was so unwell with feeds and was (badly?) advised by GP who suspected allergies to go on a dairy exclusion diet while feeding him special formula - while pumping to keep supply going, then reintroduce breast after 10 days. At which point DS point blank refused breast and we never managed to get it back. Was heartbroken.

I feel I was silly getting pregnant again when I'm clearly not emotionally ready. I think I thought having another baby would help heal all the bad stuff, if I could make things go better this time, but I'm realising now that it's out of my hands and I could be setting myself up for more trauma and sadness. Who in their right mind would do that??

I've told my husband that I just don't think my heart could take another traumatic birth or traumatic time trying to breastfeed, and yet I feel I have to hope and I have to try and think things could be different.

My mum said to me that the beauty of having a second baby is you don't get hung up on the birth and feeding as much as you do the first time around, bit I feel she couldn't be more wrong about that

Oh sweetheart. I used to panic that I'd go into labour without having slept. I get it. It does work out ok, and your second is often easier (mine was!). No practical advice, just try to chill. A month or two from now you'll look back and yes, you may be tired, but you'll see these things pass. Un mumsnetty, and not like me to a stranger, but have a hug.

I haven't experienced the trauma you have in having DD1/2, but I still had the 'how the fuck are they going to get out?? I've got to go through that come what may' panic. (both mine c-sects)

I would say to develop the hope you have that things will be different, and steer yourself onto that when you feel the anxiety creeping in.

And just keep talking, don't bottle it up as something you should deal with on your own. What did your DH say to reassure you? He's best placed to remind you that things will be OK, if he's not reassuring now, tell him how he can be and that you need him.

Firstly, there is nothing wrong with having the ELCS if that is what you really want, and it will allow you to relax and feel more confident. You can give yourself permission
If you would like not to, if you could get over the fear, then I would think about having some hypnosis.
I empathise totally - my first delivery was horrendous, and then there were massive issues in the following weeks. All the counselling did not stop the empty sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I thought about labour.
But hynotherapy helped massively.

We just worked on feeling calm and relaxed about the birth. And I was

Am sure you could use it to relax you over bf also.

Oh dear, the middle of the night is always the hardest isn't it? Easy to say, and very hard to do, but try not to worry about any of it. I haven't had such a traumatic birth as you did, but what I can tell you categorically, is that every labour and birth is different. Think of it as rolling a dice. It makes no difference what you rolled last time. As for breastfeeding, that is more than likely different as well. You didn't fail your baby last time round, that's important - you did the best you could in a difficult situation and you know what - he's just fine! This time it may well be totally different, I've had 5 and my experience of pregnancy, labour, birth and breastfeeding (and all the other milestones) have been completely different every time.

I hope you have had a bit of sleep by now. I agree with the hypnotherapy suggestions, I did hypnobirthing with my second and did a fear release session when I was 41 weeks which got me out of a negative frame of mind. Regarding the breastfeeding, that's another thing which is totally different from one baby to the next. The best thing to do is to find a local bf support network, and askfor the name of the specialist bf advisor at the hospital so you can get help from the outset if necessary. GPs are pretty useless for bf help and many midwives not much better.

Thank you, thank you
I do like the 'roll of the dice' idea, puts it jnto perspective how different birth/feedingexperiences can be, I just rolled badly last time and maybe need to stop blaming myself for what happened