To wish my daughter would find another 'best' friend.

[colettemum3]

DD is 14 and will be going in to yr 10 in September. Her 'best' friend is also the same age and they have been off and on friends since starting Secondary.

Both my husband and i get a certain vibe from this girl and now and again she says something or does something that just rubs both my husband and I up the wrong way.

They had a bust up near the end of year 7 and this girl was trying to control the 'mutual' friends. Saying that my daughter can't be their friends anymore and it got to a point that another girl believed something that the 'best' said although it was a complete lie and started to bully my daughter verbally and punched my daughter on the arm.
We had to intervene and contact the head of year over it.

My daughter PE kit went missing. For nearly half a term when all of a sudden the 'best' said that she thinks she's seen it in a ?science room and returned it.
I can't confirm this but i honestly think that she deliberately hide my daughter bag. As i can't see a PE bag just sitting on a back table for nearly half a term. My daughter would of seen it, it would of been taken to lost property etc. It just doesn't ring right to me.

We have parental control on my childrens computers and know their FB passwords etc. 'Best' made a comment one day "oh my parents trust me!"

I've noticed that on a few of my daughter fb page when my daughter was really excited that 'best' will make a comment to pull her down.
For example my daughter wrote this "

First day of filming on Tuesday...I can't wait!!! I may be an extra, but it's still the BBC, and it'll still be on TV! So excited!"

To which the 'best' wrote this in reply "you might not be due to sweeping camera views,"

Now posting this i'm smiling as although the show hasn't been aired yet, interviews with actors/actress are online and i spotted my daughter FIVE times!!!

Damm fb is being selective with what posts to keep but back in March my daughter won Geographer of the month and was really proud.
So instead of congratulating my daughter and saying well done.
She only has to post and says that she got that 3 times.

Something happened where we lived recently and it made the national news.
'Best' made this comment which i had to edited 'Just found out that I walked past a on the way to school for half my life.
So my daughter replies to it " i live a few houses away from there as well"
To which 'best' replies " Post your own status on the matter"

Loads of little other things happen as well, like she been rude to my other children.

Each time my daughter is with her, she comes back rude or when she's with her, my daughter tries and pushes her luck in staying later when we give her a set time to come home.

Am really hoping that now my daughter will be starting her GCSE'S that she'll find some other friends although 'best' has never shared a class with DD.

Is it normal to feel this way about children's friends?

I know my mother felt similarly about a few friends I had around the same as your dd is now.

If it makes you feel any better, I grew out of wanting to be friends with them quite rapidly during the GCSE years.

I've got similar vibes from someone 12 YO DD1 is friends with (although I know it's a different kettle of fish at 14).

Exaggeration, lying (or in a kind way, saying things which are completely implausible), very cutting in what she says, blowing hot and cold etc etc.

It makes me come out in a cold sweat because I've had the same and it's awful to see it happening to your DD but knowing that it's a relatively 'normal' thing to go through. (she comes back being a PITA pushing the boundaries more as well)

Unless it's straying into the realms of being illegal, I'm very reluctant to get involved. I'll say what I think when she asks me about something, and try to give her advice as to how to handle one thing or another, but I don't want to influence her because a) it makes me break out in a cold sweat and I don't want to pass that on to her and b) negotiating friendships is an important lesson to learn by experience (and I didn't have the opportunity to learn it very well, so probably giving her all the wrong advice).

I had a totally inappropriate friend my parents tried to keep away from at 13, we had the most excellent time I still think about her now occasionally.

Just breathe deeply, let her get on with it safe in the knowledge that you have raised an intelligent young lady who will (eventually) see this friend for what she is

In response to your thread title - don't we all!? We went through this with the 20 yo, the 15 yo (now), the 14yo (now), the 12 yo seems ok at the moment [crossed fingers emoticon] and even the 4 yo (after the whole haircut debacle!) Why are there no nice, quiet, studious kids for my kids to be friends with

I just finished an absolutely amazing book about girl bullying/relationships as a very distinct concept from boy bullying. I would recommend anybody with a daughter reading it. It's called Odd Girl Out. Here's a link to it on Amazon. One of the main thoughts that the book left me with is that boy bullying happens between children who aren't friends, while girl bullying happens between kids who are friends. And as a result they need to be dealt with in very different ways (which they currently aren't).

Given that your dd is 14, I really think you need to step back a bit. FB controls are about keeping your dd safe from criminals, not so you can know every time somebody is rude to her. If you read her posts, you should skim read just enough to know that nothing illegal is taking place and ignore the rest. Your dd is going to be an adult in 4 years time; she needs to start taking charge of her own social life.

And if you still think "my dd is rude every time she has seen her friend" is relevant, then you are thinking of your dd as a small child who is not responsible for her own behaviour. She is not a small child. If she is rude, then that is her choice. She is quite old enough to be in charge of her own behaviour. Don't cast around for reasons or influences, pull her up about it.

Your dd needs to know that she can come to you (or to her teachers or other adults) for support if she gets bullied. But that is different from earwigging her conversations to make sure nobody puts her down.

Besides, can I point out that you don't hear everything your dd says or does. I used to worry for years about my own dd's unsupportive friend, having accidentally seen and overheard a few things that very much seemed to bear out what my dd had told me about her. Now that they are both older and still best friends, dd is opening up to me about the other side of the story: some of the horrible (but perhaps more subtle) things she did and said to her friend. And I am quite frankly horrified. I'm not surprised I was cold shouldered by her family a few years ago: they were both little horrors, but each family only got to hear one side and we each believed in what we heard.

Friendships between girls at this age can be hell on earth.

All you can do is encourage your dd into properly understanding how real friends behave, so that eventually she will come to her own conclusion about this girl.

I had stuff like this go on when I was the same age, girls were honestly vile to each other. But thankfully we have all turned out to be nice pleasant human beings in the end.