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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Tactless friend?

16 replies

LongGoneBeforeDaylight · 09/08/2013 16:13

A friend of mine has always been a little bit blinkered and a little self involved, but generally funny and interesting. We were the kind of friends who saw each other every month or so for an hour until 11 months ago her husband left her unexpectedly and I have sort of stepped up as the best friend as she doesn't have many friends in the area and she was in a bad way.

That was in September and she is doing generally better and has stopped calling in the middle of the night etc. Lately though she would ring to chat and if I didn't answer, she would say "oh don't worry, I rang X instead". Understand loneliness, but I would never say that to someone. Also as a side note, she is defending her DH'a divorce proceedings, and I have tried to be supportive while trying to gently point out to her that spending thousands doing this isn't going to get her what she wants.

An example of prior strangeness/tactlessness would be when her husband left she said she wished she knew a lawyer. I am a lawyer! I guess her head was all over the place, but part of me wonders whether she knows what I do!!

However, I am in the middle of a flare up of an old illness and have been off work since June . I am very down about it as I thought I was fully in remission. Friend came to visit me (which I obviously appreciate). She however came with a hamper in tow. This is what she said:

"I thought I'd show you the hamper I made for my friend who I'm off to see after I see you. She's been off work for two weeks with hypermesis and she must be so, so bored".

I didn't want a hamper, but I just felt so . Like she either thinks I am not unwell or not a friend. I just smiled and nodded, but I keep thinking about it. I know hypermesis is awful, but pregnancy is generally a positive thing. Meanwhile I have been off work for 8 weeks and am so desperately sad about it.

I really want to phase her back into an acquaintance rather than a close friend. We have loads of history though and I am wondering WIBU to do so?

OP posts:

KirjavaTheCat · 09/08/2013 16:17

Perhaps she views you as an acquaintance, but one she relies on heavily and doesn't seem bothered about giving the title of 'friend'.

It sounds to me as though she doesn't care for you much at all, and is firmly in control of how she uses you. Step back and treat her the same.

Original poster

LongGoneBeforeDaylight · 09/08/2013 16:18

Thank you. That has made me feel like maybe I'm not just being a sensitive old cow about it!

OP posts:

shellbot · 09/08/2013 16:35

Sorry OP but she doesn't sound much like a friend to you. More of a taker. I'd distance myself if I were you.

PS. Hope you're better soon.

Original poster

LongGoneBeforeDaylight · 09/08/2013 16:37

Do you think she knows that? Or just tactless?

OP posts:

AhCmonSeriouslyNow · 09/08/2013 18:19

It sounds to me like maybe she has you in a different category than "friend" and that is causing her tactlessness.
Pretty much what Kirjava says.

The relying on you more after her husband left might be because she felt you were distant enough not be embarrassed by exposing herself to you? Or just desperation.

I would think that backing off a bit, going back to once every other month for an hour or so is probably a good plan.

Also - hope you get better soon.

Original poster

LongGoneBeforeDaylight · 09/08/2013 18:24

Mmmm I agree, and that's what I want to do... But how to do it? She texts me almost every day. The other night she said "please entertain me while I am watching as I am afraid" and I just didn't reply, because I didn't want to be someone entertainment ! But then she texted the next day, a photo of her latest baking attempt, and then asked to meet up, etc etc etc.

OP posts:

shellbot · 09/08/2013 20:24

If it was me I'd say that with being ill I'm taking it easy and will give her a ring in a while when I'm feeling a bit better. If she phones at night don't answer and if she asks just say you turned your phone off and had an early night.

emuloc · 09/08/2013 21:05

She does sound rather caught up in herself I would say follow your gut instinct if you feel she is not treating you how you would like then by all means step back

Original poster

LongGoneBeforeDaylight · 13/08/2013 12:51

Update: Well I tried to begin the phase out, mumsnet, but she keeps texting and calling, near constantly. At least once a day. "How are you doing sweetheart" etc. Just goes to show how clueless is she because I do not want to update anyone on my symptoms every single day! I am getting better but slowly and I don't want to discuss it all the time. Do I just not reply, or.....?

OP posts:

quesadilla · 13/08/2013 12:58

IME people like this fall into one of two categories. They either
a) subconsciously put people into different groups: "good" friends and non "good" friends or lower status friends (lots of people have a hierarchy like this). If this is the case then get rid -- she's basically been taking the piss and using you as a crutch.

b) some people are just naturally self-involved and very insensitive and rarely take the trouble to think about how their actions/words affect others. Sometimes people like this respond well to having it spelled out that they are being selfish, others just don't have it in their gift not to be selfish and won't get what you're talking about.

Either way the prognosis isnt' great. The older I get the less time I have for people who don't even have the basic decency to consider your feelings before opening their mouths and asking you how you are.

If she is just naturally tactless you may be able to shock her into realizing you are actually a good friend if you have a word.

If not, just cut her loose. You've already gone way beyond the call of duty and you deserve a bit of love and respect in return.

oldgrandmama · 13/08/2013 13:04

Agree with other replies. As for the lawyer bit, I'd like to say as someone whose family is comprised lawyers (and journalists!) best NEVER to get involved, as a lawyer, in the legal affairs of friends or family. Often ends up with any good legal advice you give, or legal action you take for them, coming back and biting you on the bum! Keep well out of it, other than maybe recommended good lawyers in the area that she can contact.

razmataz · 13/08/2013 13:48

She sounds a bit clueless but then again from your latest post it sounds like she actually is trying to show she cares by asking how you are feeling and wanting to meet up with you etc. If she was just a taker, then she'd only be getting in touch to discuss her problems, rather than wanting to meet up or asking how you are feeling.

The hamper thing was incredibly tactless, but I wonder if, as you say you don't actually want to keep talking about your illness, if she really understood how unwell you are. As for the lawyer thing - are you the right kind of lawyer? Maybe she thought not. Or alternatively, maybe she didn't want to directly ask you for professional help but was hoping you might offer your advice if she hinted.

It seems like this could be more of a misunderstanding - if you don't want her to ask how you are feeling, or be in regular contact, what exactly do you want of a friend?

Sounds like she is being a good friend as she knows it. Why don't you just have an honest conversation?

MrsRajeshKoothrappali · 13/08/2013 14:05

She doesn't see you as a friend.

You're just a person who was 'handy' when she needed something.

Sorry.

I've been someone's best friend but was ditched when someone better comes along. It's hideous!

Original poster

LongGoneBeforeDaylight · 13/08/2013 14:39

Razmataz Good question. I have plenty of friends who have a) not been tactless and b) just sort of said "hope you start feeling better soon... Let me know if you would like to chat but don't worry if feeling too unwell" etc. Whereas with this friend - from what I know about her - it seems to still be all about her even when she texts me, like, I feel a bit patronised/like she is doing me a favour. Like she is making a massive song and dance about asking me how I feel.

I am quite active on social media and she has commented on a fair few things about my health. I'm off to see an immunologist and have been tested for all sorts of nasty things (HIV, cancer...) so she is well aware of severity I think. She just always has been a bit blinkered...

As for legal advice, no, I am not a divorce lawyer and I just gave her the name of someone who is, but she still likes me to read all the letters from her lawyer etc.

OP posts:

AhCmonSeriouslyNow · 13/08/2013 14:46

I think maybe reply to 1 in 3 texts or something if she's texting every day. I would hope then she would reduce her texts and you could gradually phase it out.

Also, be minimal in replies. So "how's it going sweetheart?" Would get "ok, thanks" - she can stalk you through your social media stuff if she really wants to know!

Charlottehere · 13/08/2013 14:52

The hamper thing is really odd. I'd go with your gut instinct tbh.

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