To tell me friend I can't be bridesmaid

[ilovemulberry]

An old school friend has asked Me to be her bridesmaid, we were close in school but both have different groups of friends, we meet up every so often for dinner etc. I'm her only married friend so have been able to offer advice etc. I was honoured to be asked, however there are now a few issues and I really don't have the time or inclination to deal with them. She has three other bridesmaids who are a lot more like her than me, I'm more into vintage laid back style and they are very much 'Glamour style' if you know what I mean (not saying that's bad, it's just different to me) none of them own a house or really have responsibilities (I'm 33 weeks pregnant) they an easily spend £100 on a night out drinking without blinking an eye- dont get me wrong I'm not on the breadline but would never spend that on drinking. Firstly the hen do will be abroad in a party resort with clubbing and drinking costing around £1000 for three-four days. I'm going to be living on mat pay and have an 8 month old baby. Next the other girls tried on some dresses without me there and they love it. I hate it, however I would wear it, it's my friends day and I don't want to be a pain, however the bride is only putting £100 on budget for each of us. The dress is £180 plus shoes. I can not justify spending over £130 on an outfit I don't like! I suggested alternatives- eBay, high street shops, one of the girls replied she spends £30 on a bra so wouldn't feel comfortable buying a cheap dress!!!!

I really don't know what to do, I don't want to be the awkward one, I know it's not the bride but she will listen to the others as they are similar in style.

I'm thinking of backing out and just explaining I don't want to cause her issues of her getting stuck in the middle between us all. I won't be able to afford hen so can't feel like I am a justifiable expense for her when I can't do any of the things she wants. I am still more than happy to go to all events with her, flower appts etc and happy to go to venue in morning and make sure it's set up how she wants it.

I just know the expense won't stop at dress and shoes, the other girls will want their hair and makeup done and because bride wants us all the same I will then have to pay for that.

What do you think?

Sorry it's long! Thanks

You can't afford it. She will have a fab day. All righty then. Job done :)

YANBU, in fact you are being very sensible and fair. That hen night situation sounds extremely expensive and, as you say, is not something you will enjoy or be able to participate in. The budget thing for the dress/outfit where you make up the shortfall is, imho, unbelievably rude. If you can't afford that many bridesmaids don't have them! Seriously, say no now. I would just say "Sorry, thank you so much for asking me but I can't afford it".

Just tell her you don't think it'd be fair on her when you'll be preoccupied a lot of next year with your new arrival and you'd rather be an enthusiastic guest than a useless bridesmaid

I was my sisters only married bridesmaid. I didn't go on the hen night as I would have felt out of place and we had a "special" day together instead. I wore a slightly different outfit to the other bridesmaids as well, one that I was comfortable in (less glamorous, with a stole) in the same colour as theirs. It was fine or I thought so anyway. If you really don't feel comfortable then tell her, but none of the problems that you mention seem unsurmountable to me, if you want to do it.

Hmmm.....I think don't go on the hen do.

But I would try to find the money for the outfit....then ebay it afterwards. But that's just me.

I don't think you really want to be bridesmaid, do you. Which is fair enough. I think you need to just be really honest with your friend, and say while you really, really appreciate being asked, you just don't feel comfortable being a bridesmaid.

Yanbu
And ebaying isn't a great idea. I ebayed a coast bridesmaid dress (because I lost weight and since I was 5 weeks pp when I wore it I never planned to be that fat again) and I got £30 for it, a £120 dress worn once. You won't get much for shoes either.

Yanbu

It doesn't sound like you really want to be this girls bridesmaid and I can see why. It's hard to have little in common with all the others plus fork out for things which don't either don't like or enjoy.

I'm getting married next year and I am paying for my bridesmaids dress, hair, makeup, shoes etc so I think your friend is BU to give you a 'budget'!

If I were you I'd gently tell her in private that you are worried that your forthcoming baby and change of routine might affect your ability to be a good bridesmaid but that you would still love to support her and be part of her day.

Just say you are honoured to be asked, but you can't afford it, due to baby and maternity leave but you very excited to come to her wedding.

Why don't you offer to do a reading or a speech or something instead? Bit odd to expect bridesmaids to pay for outfits and def not worth going ahead with if you won't enjoy it.

I thought bridesmaids were meant to be unmarried? Or is that terribly outdated?

Talk to your friend. Tell her u wont make the hen do - money and a new baby. Offer to pull out and g I ve the reasons u have stated. On other hand could u not be the maid od honour with different style dress in the same colour?

YANBU. I've felt like you about similar things e.g. expensive hen dos and I've regretted not going with my gut instinct. Just feels rubbish having spent loads on something I knew I wouldn't enjoy!

Surely your friend will understand that your baby is priority? Hopefully she'll understand your values/personality too re the whole drinking culture thing too? And if not then never mind!

I'd just be honest - Thank you so much for asking me, etc etc, but the other girls are much more about the gung-ho glamour look whereas it's just not me, & I won't be able to come on the hen do because of the new baby. & honestly, I'd rather just buy you a lovely wedding present!

If she wants you on the strength as a matron of honour type role, up to her to then suggest it.

Thanks all. I will have a chat with her. Hopefully she will understand.

This all happened to me my very best ( at the time) friend asked me to be her bridesmaid my DS was very young at the time so I couldn't go to her hen night. And then horror of horrors I got pregnant she went ape shit she said that I would spoil her wedding photos, her mum stood glaring at my bump like I was filth. She wanted me to pay for my own dress I said I don't want a floor lengnth sky blue maternity dress. she bought me some shoes without me they didn't fit and she wanted paying back for them and she wanted me to pay for my own hair. In the end I told her to forget it. My DD is now 12 I've never seen her since but I heard her marriage lasted 2 years!

I think if you're giving her a year's notice, and still offering help and advice where you can, you're still being supportive and not leaving her in the lurch. Offering to take another role instead is a great shout.