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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to send my friend a birthday card?

26 replies

cg13 · 08/08/2013 07:38

I would love some advice and perspective on a problem I can't find an answer to....should I send my friend a birthday card?

A few months ago my best friend's baby died during labour, for no reason. They had been trying for years (meanwhile I had a little girl) and were on their last round of IVF when they finally fell pregnant. The baby died for no reason and they were heartbroken and I was for them. On the day it happened my boss sent me home from work because I couldn't stop crying.

In the few days afterwards we exchanged emails and texts but she was too upset to talk to me. However, at the funeral (which I had to fly to) she ignored me. When I went to hug her she turned away and pretended she didn't see me, avoided eye contact at the wake, and despite showing lots of people around their new house (which was up the road) she avoided asking me to come and see it, even when her mum said maybe I would like to see her new house. I left feeling so confused. Her husband and family seemed fine with me.

Over the next two months I messaged her every week or two to let her know I was there, but tried to stay in the background (despite wanting to do more). After two months the subject of why we hadn't spoken came up, and I explained that I'd not phoned her because of how she had seemed at the funeral. Her reaction was partly denial (she didn't remember her mum asking if I'd like to see the house, though she was standing next to us) and partly excuse....I was "holding too much grief" (though most people had cried during the service), she had heard my car had broken down on the way to the funeral and this was too stressful for her so she had to avoid me. She also said I'd been selfish by being so upset for her and focusing on my feelings, that I'd cried the wrong type of tears, and a whole bunch of other stuff. But then she said it was too difficult, that I'd ruined her happy memories of the funeral, and that I'd never know how amazing her baby was.

I was devastated by this, and we've not been in contact since. However, it's her birthday next week. I want to send her a card, but don't want to upset her as she really must hate me to have said those things. I think she'll say I'm being selfish and only sending a card to make myself feel better. However, if I don't send her a card she can use it to condemn me further. And I'll feel worse than I already do (which is pretty bad), as I want her to know that despite everything, I'm still her friend and will be there for her.

So, AIBU if I send her a card? And if I did, what would I say?

Thank you if you got this far, and for any advice. X

OP posts:
ZillionChocolate · 08/08/2013 08:01

Send her a card, I think it needs to be low key and muted.

It does sound like you can't win whatever you do. She's being completely unreasonable but I think you're right to cut her some slack in the circumstances. You've nothing to lose by sending a birthday card olive branch. She might be coping better and behaving more rationally by now.

Urbanvoltaire · 08/08/2013 08:08

Send her a card, resist putting anything too personal in the message, perhaps she'll come round in time.

Catsize · 08/08/2013 08:09

Very hard on all sides. I suspect the root of the problem is that you had a baby a short time after she lost hers. And perhaps you conceived more easily. I hope the baby was nowhere in sight at the funeral. Strikes me she is coming up with random excuses to hide the real reason.

Sparklymommy · 08/08/2013 08:20

I would send a card. Nothing to personal, but maybe a "I'm always here for you if you need me" type line.

It does smack of her maybe finding it hard to cope with the fact you have a little girl. I'm sure she will come around in the end, but I understand how much it's hurting you

pigletmania · 08/08/2013 08:21

I just don't know. Yes she is extremely hurt, you have a baby and she does not, grief can bring out the worse in people and I think tat se just could not handle it, she really needs professional help. However it is no reason why she should treat you so badly. I would send a card, bt just pull back and leave it up to her to mak contact

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 08/08/2013 08:26

I'm very sorry for you that your friend is directing the anger and grief that she naturally feels at you, probably because you have a baby. Send her a card saying you love her and are always there for her and then see what happens.

Flowers for you as this is very hard for you as well as for your friend.

cozietoesie · 08/08/2013 08:27

Send a card - and pay no lasting attention to what happened at and after the funeral. People get all scrambled up by grief and aren't always completely responsible for what they say or do. She's been your best friend for how long after all?

She may not know how to make her way back to you and sending a card could be the easing she needs. It's worth the try, anyway.

Jenny70 · 08/08/2013 08:28

I would send it (just from me, not dh & dd) saying wishing you a happy birthday, you are often in my thoughts.

Sounds like you're too far away for offer of coffee etc. But if you plan to be be back there say you'd love to catch up etc.

Send a card on her baby's birthday too, something blank & pretty... say you were sorry never to meet X but think of her often. Say to friend you're thinking of her etc.

Sounds like she was angry that you have baby & she didn't, which isn't fair but after what she's been through, I'd open the door to her.

PoppyWearer · 08/08/2013 08:32

I would send a card, but keep it low-key. Just let her know that you are there for her if she wants you to be.

FWIW, here is my story when I was in your position.

I had a DS just before my friend's baby boy died at birth and I decided that, since I was bf'ing and would have had no choice but to take him with me to the funeral, as it was far away, it was best if I stayed away. Also I did feel that my presence and my baby (especially being the same gender) would remind her too much of her own loss.

It's a couple of years down the line now and I have seen her and given her a big hug and talked about it a bit, although mostly small talk, but I waited until I could meet her without my DS, so it was a good while later. In the meantime, I wrote her a very carefully-worded letter from the heart after the funeral to explain my absence and express my sorrow for her, and I also acknowledged how seeing my DS might upset her. She hasn't ever acknowledged my letter, but I think I hit the nail on the head. She still hasn't met my DS, and I rather suspect he will be a lot older before she does.

I wouldn't take it too personally, I think it has everything to do with the timing of your own baby. Perhaps a nice letter acknowledging her grief and giving her permission to feel upset about seeing your baby might help?

pigletmania · 08/08/2013 09:00

I just would keep te card very simple, no letter. Just from you, and tat your thinking f her and there for her. Anything else might be too much for her to handle. A couple of months down the line, send her a small message,

ViviPru · 08/08/2013 09:05

How horrendous. You sound very thoughtful. I understand the dilemma but agree as others have said, a low-key card would be the best approach.

Original poster
cg13 · 08/08/2013 18:14

Thank you all so much for your responses and stories. I wrote the post as honestly as possible, knowing I might get negative responses. What you've all said might mean I beat myself up about it all just that little bit less. I got pregnant right after their second IVF round failed and all their eggs had gone. We didn't speak for a few months so I know how hard it must have been for her. That was a while ago and my DD is now two. I didn't take her to the funeral as it was a 17 hour day what with flying up and back in a day. We've been friends for 15 years, travelled together, and I thought had stayed close despite distance and circumstances. Other children were at the funeral and I got the impression she was fine with everyone else. DH pointed out that because I'm not part of a friend group and I live so far away it's easy to take it out on me without anyone else knowing. Though I was good friends with her husband and family so I can only guess what they think is going on. I'm rambling now. Thanks again for all taking the time to respond. I will send her a card, though think it will be viewed as selfish and the wrong thing to do.

OP posts:
ClartyCarol · 08/08/2013 18:46

How sad, I really feel for you (and your friend as well, going through such a thing). You sound like a lovely, thoughtful person and I don't see how sending a birthday card can be construed as being selfish or wrong.

Your DH sounds like he's hit the nail on the head. Maybe in time she will come round. In the meantime, you've done nothing wrong. Remember that.

pigletmania · 08/08/2013 18:48

Aww bless you, just send it and leave it up to her. T might be t end of te friendship or it might not. Don't worry Abu hw she might view it, sh is not herself at the moment. All you can do is give it times an see what happens

Nanny0gg · 08/08/2013 18:50

Send it, (but not Happy Birthday, as said on your other thread) but then drop it.

If you don't hear from her after that then I'm afraid you'll have to let the friendship go.

SarahAndFuck · 08/08/2013 19:16

Grief does strange things to people and it's often the people you are closest to that you take it out on or feel have got it wrong.

My best friend refused to come to either of my babies funerals because one died before birth and one died shortly afterwards, so she didn't meet them. She said she didn't think it was appropriate to go to a funeral of a baby she didn't know. I was very hurt, because she knows me and I would have liked her to be there. But I let it go because I don't think she was being deliberately hurtful, she just didn't know what to do for the best.

I would send a card but perhaps not a jokey one or a happy birthday one. A blank message card would probably be best with a message along the lines of "Sending love and best wishes for your birthday, thinking of you, love cg13" might be best.

I do admit that sometimes friends and family can't win. If you send a card with Happy Birthday she might be upset and wonder how you think her birthday can be happy. If you don't send a card, she might be hurt that she's being ignored because of her loss.

I don't think you've done anything wrong. Sometimes it's easier to cope if you have someone to get angry at and it sounds like she's focused that on you.

Justforlaughs · 08/08/2013 19:23

I'd send a card with a short message saying that you'd like to catch up/ thinking of her or something fairly low key.

namechangesforthehardstuff · 08/08/2013 20:40

And I would NOT send a card on the baby's birthday. I think that would be an awful t thing to receive..

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 08/08/2013 20:59

Actually, namechanges I was very touched when we received cards on what would have been our daughter's first birthday; it made me pleased that other people hadn't forgotten she existed.

CatsAndTheirPizza · 08/08/2013 22:10

I would send a card but definitely not wish her a 'happy' birthday. Recently it would have been the first birthday of a baby of someone I know - I just sent a line saying I was thinking of them at that time.

redexpat · 08/08/2013 22:15

Sounds like grief doing funny things to her. Maybe she just couldn't cope with seeing you under the circumstances? If you send a card then the ball's in her court.

Maybe she took it out on you because you're such a good friend who will forgive her?

Maybe she's just moved on in her life. It's always hard being on hthe receiving end of that.

namechangesforthehardstuff · 08/08/2013 23:39

OK twoandtwo I stand corrected. I can see how that would be thoughtful under normal circumstances. Perhaps though, as this is already such a powder keg...

Sorry for your loss.

BeeMom · 09/08/2013 01:18

Personally, I agree with the pps.

Do send her a card, but a note card, not some mass produced bit of birthday mush. Don't overdo it with the message, just a "thinking of you" sort of message.

Then leave it to her.

I will be honest, a card on her baby's birthday (to both of the parents, Daddy lost the baby too) might be appreciated. The desire for the world around to think he loss of an infant should not be mentioned makes those days that much more painful to remember alone.

The date of my daughter's birth and death are very difficult days for me, as my family doesn't speak of her, ever. I still remember her, and having someone else acknowledge her existence means a lot.

squoosh · 09/08/2013 01:34

This does sound tough on you but my true sympathy lies with your friend. They'd wanted a baby for who knows how long, fell pregnant on the last IVF attempt and then lost the baby during labour. I cannot begin to imagine how much pain that has caused her.

And there you are, her best friend, a happy, healthy mother of a beautiful child. Obviously there is nothing wrong with that, nothing you need to feel apologetic about, but you serve as the most blatant reminder of what she's lost and what she may never experience.

What she said at the funeral was clearly hurtful but just imagine how raw her emotions were. I don't mean to be rude but you're emphasising how hurt you were that she lost her baby, how far you'd travelled for the funeral, how she has continued to snub you. Yes , your feelings were hurt, but her heart was ripped open.

I would send a card and continue to let her know that you love her and are there for her. In time I'm sure she'll find it easier to be friends again.

Original poster
cg13 · 12/08/2013 17:35

Squoosh I completely agree with everything you say.

OP posts:
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