To still want marriage?

[Firebomb]

I know I have been posting a lot about my problems with my DP and how he might be emotionally abusive at times and how sometimes I am just fed up to the point of wanting to end things. But it always gets better, at least for a little while and when it's better it just feels great again. So am I being unreasonable to still want marriage?

this is a huge thing between us. I want to be married and he doesn't. He's been married before and gotten a divorce and he says he never wants to be married again (though when we first got together and I told him upfront that if he wanted to be in a long term relationship with me, I was going to want to get married eventually and he said that was ok.) We've been together a little over 3 years and have a 5 mo together (which I didn't want to happen til after I was married, but hey, I don't regret him.) Am I unreasonable to still be hoping he changes his mind and wants to marry me?

If you have only been together three years and he's emotionally abusive I think marriage should be the last thing on your mind.

Am I unreasonable to still be hoping he changes his mind and wants to marry me? Yes. Yes YABU. Quite apart from the emotional abuse and whether this relationship is a good idea at all. He has told you in no uncertain terms that he does not want to marry. I think you need to find someone who does want that if it's very important to you. I'm sure you will find that person, but not while you're tied to this one.

Yes you are being unreasonable Run

When we first got together, he didn't seem to mind the idea of marriage which was why I stayed with him. It was just one of those things, I wanted marriage and children and I let him know about it upfront before anything got serious between us. He made it seem like he was alright with both. It's only been recent in the past year and a half or so (after his finalized divorce from his XW) that he's adamantly declaring to anyone that will listen that he will never ever again get married. When I bring it up, he just says why do I need marriage to prove he loves me.

So I'm a little confused about him. Is this just something he could get over with time or was he lying to me in the beginning? Or is it just me that he doesn't want to have that kind of commitment with?

If you suspect you can't trust what he's saying (loudly and often) to be what he really means, then you have a big problem. If you suspect he was lying at the beginning, that's a bigger problem. But if my friend's partner was announcing to us all down the pub that he would never again marry, I would be urging my friend to leave him, as it comes across as hugely disrespectful to you. Anyway you slice it, you're better off without it.

Plenty of people have wonderful, long, fulfilling relationships without marriage. But those people have made a mutual decision not to marry. You have not.

Yeah. I'm afraid I used to be just like your DP with my last GF. I didn't see the point in marriage at all. Just a piece of paper, it means nothing. Having a child, mortgage together. That's much more of a commitment isn't it?

I'm currently on my honeymoon. It turns out that I did want marriage....just not with her!

Read into that what you will

YANBU to want marriage, YABU to think he will change his mind. YANBU to want to stay with someone who makes you unhappy, whether "emotionally abusive" or not. OP, never fool yourself into thinking relationships are hard work or that you have to take the rough with the smooth, in terms of how they treat you and make you feel. With the right person it's just easy.

Sorry, typo- meant to say "YABU to want to stay with someone...."

Sorry but he isn't going to marry you. It's up to you to decide whether or not that's a deal breaker for you ( leaving aside any other issues)

I don't think niceguy is unusual on this. I know of a number of men who were anti marriage/commitment until they met a new woman and then settled down rapidly.

YANBU to want marriage in general terms. It doesn't sound as though it should be your priority right now, don't you need to focus on your relationship and addressing his abusive behaviour?

Niceguy is spot on!

People can say all sorts of words and at the same time be thinking different things! Your DP may have said yes that's fine when you first broached the subject of settling down, marriage, children, etc. He may have emotionally separated himself from it, as if it didnt apply to him!

What you need to face is how he feels now, today, when you talk about it with him. If you ignore those vital signals, you are doing yourself a dis-service and setting yourself up for unhappiness.

A friend of mine did exactly the same, continually tried to pursuade her DP to marry. Eventually to shut her up, they got married and lo and behold 2 years layer they split up.

MNers here can give you their opinion til the cows come home, but it wont change the facts in your RW life. If your DP has declared he doesnt ever want to get married we wont change his mind!

He doesn't want to marry you. Please don't hang around hoping he'll change his mind. You'll waste years. What if you got married and he then decided he doesn't want children?

Why would you want to marry someone who is emotionally abusive? Jessie speaks sense, relationships aren't about taking the rough with the smooth. You shouldn't stay with someone because sometimes they are nice. One doesn't outweigh the other.

Find someone who is nice to you all the time and wants to marry you.

...and after they split up, he found the right person and they did marry and have children... So I agree with what the others have said! Sadly

Marriage won't change your relationship OP, it's not a magic wand.

Please don't marry someone who is emotionally abusive. Surely it is better to be on your own than married but unhappy.

youre being mad.