To not tell my sister about my BIL?

[ErrNoThanks]

Namechanged for obvious reasons.

My BIL has always been a bit, well, leery. It got to the point where I would avoid being around him when he was drinking as he would put his hand on my knee, get too close whilst dancing etc.

Every now and then he would facebook something very flirty (is this the sexchat service etc) and I would ignore it.

He recently turned up a my house on the way home from work but luckily I happened to notice his car parking out the window so hid in the back room pretending to be out. I know he had no reason to visit and refuse to be alone with him. I turn down lifts etc

I have always sated I'm not interested but he thinks it's a joke and carries on.

His relationship with my sister has been up and down a times. She was told via friends he had a reputation for being a "dirty old man" and laughed it off. She fully backed him when another person disclosed an incident and walked away from people over it. She is very stubborn about it and I just felt I didn't want to risk our relationship over it. There has been moments when she has admitted she believes all hat is said but that she could turn a blind eye if it wasn't actual sex. (I would bet my house on him having cheated on her fully btw)

The problem now is they have separated. It was instigated by her as she is struggling with depression and unhappy with the marriage. But she is not stating any of the above reasons.

I am obviously biased and think she should stay very separated from him and I think knowing what he has been like over the years may help her make a more informed decision.

On the other hand, they have split and rekindled a few times and if I tell her it will mean the end of us should they get together again. There is a very high chance I would lose my sister and her children over this which would be unbearable.

AIBU in keeping this from her?

I honestly can't decide what to do about it.

If she asks you directly, I wouldn't lie about it. Be honest. If she gets iffy with you about it in the future, simply state that she did ask and you weren't going to lie.

However, I wouldn't venture the information. Just keep him out of your way. Avoid him like the plague and tell him to stop contacting you (after all why should you need contact now that you are no longer his sister in law or at least not in the position to see him as any way of a friend).

I think it's awful when someone will put their relationship over their family but hey, who am I to argue with other peoples family dynamics it just seems insane.

she's your sister, show her the messages and let her decide.

Do you think she'll believe you? People have told her and she chose to not believe them. What makes you feel she'll believe you? What will you say when she asks why you said nothing?

Did you keep the fb messages? You have the option of showing them to her.

I think your main problem is this man. If he's trying to get into your home are you at risk from him? You need to be prepared to call the police if he tries to get hold of you - if I am reading right that he came calling and you believe it was to try it on with you (I am assuming that is what you think he was coming for) If it's that he is inappropriate then speak up at the time. Yell it loudly! Don't you touch me.

I think that you need to decide now what you are willing to do if this man approaches you.

I don't have the messages. I stupidly deleted them right away as they made me feel guilty in a way.

I think he did come around to try it on yes. I don't feel scared of him, I just want to never be in the position to have to deal with it iyswim.

I would happily push him away and call police should he become violent but I don't think it will come to that.

I just think he is overly confident in his own attractiveness. I am a single mother and he often comments that I must be gagging for it - in front of everyone too. See, he's such a funny guy, right laugh and all that, bit of a ladies man etc

I do worry she wouldn't believe me. She has always believed his versions before.

God its a mess.

The first thing you must do is to change how you respond. We are conditioned to not make a fuss, but it is absolutely ok to look at him like shit on your shoe and get ANGRY that he makes such comments.

I don't think that's funny. How dare you be so personal.

Men like him take advantage of our conditioning to be 'nice'. It can be very difficult sometimes to go against that. They throw things at us like 'can't take a joke' and then bring out the insults but it's ok to stand firm and to loudly say that they are never to speak to you like that.

It's funny that they are the ones who are revolting and we are the ones who take it because we don't want a scene!

That's true Hecsy. For along time I thought I was being overly sensitive and he was just a bit flirty. He does it alot in front of people; little comments that don't seem to mean much but then he'll message me later about them like it's a private joke.

It got to the point where people asked if I was ok because I hardly uttered a word around him. He made it seem like I wanted him sometimes. That's why it was hard to ell my sister at first, he twisted stuff I'd said.

But I know I've not been out of order here.

I am angry. Angry that he feels he can treat my refusals as a joke. Angry that he thinks I would put a fumble over my sister.

I just don't know if I should tell her or not :(

It's a tough one. From what you say, it's possible she'll just take him back in the end.

Will she believe you, that's the thing.

If he ever sends you any more messages - don't delete them. also don't be afraid to tell him very firmly to back off.

Tell her, wouldn't you want to know.

She may be angry, but at least she has all the relevant information to decide if she wants to be with such a person.

good luck.

I think you could mention something in general if there is an appropriate time, e.g. His comments/emails have often made me feel uncomfortable. But I wouldn't go into specifics as (thanks to you) nothing has happened and it could easily be brushed off as jokes by him esp as much of it was done on public.

Great advice from Hecsy if they do reconcile though. It's awful that you've had to put up with this.

I think I will have to tell her won't I?

I can't stand the thought of her getting back with him and he just leaves for some OW down the line anyway.

I'm just so worried she will take his side. But she may be less likely to get back together if she knows the full truth I guess.

I will make sure to keep any more messages though. He rang last week because he was worried about her apparently but was asking where I was etc as he knew my DD was staying elsewhere. ugh. I think I will need to write him a very clear "Feck Off" email maybe?

She may very well take his side, sadly. I would still tell her, and if she chooses him, her loss.

I have been in this situation, didn't tell, and I so wish I had..........

He sounds creepy and quite predatory - I would tell her. I feel I would owe honesty to my sister and would not deprive her of her right to know, regardless ofwhat she chose to do with that information.

I think she will he more likely to believe you, her sister, than other people who have told her things about him.

Maybe fb could restore your deleted messages if you needed proof to shoe her.