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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel very hurt about this? :(

23 replies

HurtFeelings · 07/08/2013 19:10

I've changed my user name for this one, because I don't want people to identify me here.

Am I being unreasonable to be hurt by what a virtual stranger said to me?

A little background on me first- my dad left me and my mum when I was 2 and never looked back. I was brought up by my mum and he never visited, called or paid a penny. My grandfather was the same.

Obviously, this was very difficult and I found it hard to completely trust men because of my experiences.

I also have a condition that I recently discovered is called 'tokophobia'. It's a fear of pregnancy and childbirth. I think I developed it because of the sexual abuse in my childhood and the experiences of my friends. Some of them have problems like permanent incontinence and colostomies as a result of childbirth injuries.Watching their struggle affected me deeply and made my existing fear of the process even worse.

I made the mistake of opening up about this to a group which discusses gender politics and I have been constantly attacked ever since.

Today I was called a pathetic misandrist with a horrible father who had messed me up and left me too 'damaged' for any other man.

Then I was called a 'psychiatric' case for having tokophobia and being too stupid to understand that this is what I am meant and 'designed' to do.

I know that the words were meant to insult, but it still hurt to hear them.
Am I being oversensitive?

OP posts:
Coconutty · 07/08/2013 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sagfold · 07/08/2013 19:13

Wtf?

mynameisslimshady · 07/08/2013 19:13

You are not being over sensitive at all. I absolutely admire you for opening up about it and I am Angry on your behalf that its been thrown back in your face. It says more about those who said it than it does about you.

digerd · 07/08/2013 19:13

Shock[angrySad

catgirl1976 · 07/08/2013 19:14

WTAF?
YANBU

These people are awful, toxic, nasty and ignorant

YANBU to be upset but never go back there again. Horrible people

You are not any of the things they called you

Have you seen anyone (qualified, not some idiots in a group) about your conditions? Talking things through with a good counsellor can be very helpful

I am sorry you have had this experience

LEMisdisappointed · 07/08/2013 19:15

well, whoever said this to you is a cunt, and more importantly ignorant and wrong you clearly are an intelligent woman and worth so much more than those fuckwits. That is the thing online, you never know who you are talking to, clearly whoever said that to you is a bit of a wannabe and ha no intelligence whatsoever.

I think it hurt you because these things have had a profound affect on you. Have you sought out any counselling about what has happened and your fears.

Is it just childbirth you fear, do you want children? (you don't have to anxwer that)

shootfromthehip · 07/08/2013 19:15

If this was a forum then may I suggest that you choose not to visit there again. It is more than a little hurtful and in view of some of the issues surrounding this then I would protect yourself from further upset by avoiding, avoiding, avoiding. Angry on your behalf

HaveIGotPoosForYou · 07/08/2013 19:16

You are not being oversensitive, those are vile things to say to someone.

I hate debating societies and the like, because they always seem to consistent of a few people who take others opinions the wrong way and make personal comments that go way too far.

I hope you can put them in the place they are meant to be, which is in the 'delete' section of your brain.

Easier said than done, but these people's opinions are worth jack all, as although you may have told your story they weren't there, they didn't feel the way you did and they haven't been left with the consequences, so they should stfu or go home.

TimeofChange · 07/08/2013 19:17

OP: Leave the group and don't be in contact with them at all.
They are nasty people.

Defriend them on FB (if applicable).

They are bullies and have picked you because you are vulnerable.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 07/08/2013 19:17

The correct response to someone saying such rude, uncalled for an appalling things is "and clearly, you are an atrociously rude twunt."

TimeofChange · 07/08/2013 19:19

Best wishes to you.
Remember you are a far better person than they are.

Original poster
HurtFeelings · 07/08/2013 19:29

I have defriended those people and I won't be going back there. There really is no point.

Thank you for the kind words of support everyone :) I just needed some reassurance that I wasn't being an oversensitive person.

LEMisdisappointed : I have sought counselling for both the issues. It did help some, but not a lot. On most days I am sunny, positive person who tries hard not to dwell on the past! But when people are deliberately hurtful, it can just bring everything back and then it makes me a little jittery and depressed.
I don't yet know if I want children. I do have tokophobia, but I am not certain how that will play out if I ever decide with certainty that I want a family. Right now I am more focused on my work and trying to sort my own life out.

OP posts:
OxfordBags · 07/08/2013 19:34

OP, those people are scumbags, and totally wrong. Anyone who calls a woman a misandrist for being affected by childhood sexual abuse is a sick freak, and ironically, a massive misogynist (and they have used misandrist incorrectly too, the thickos).

Incidentally, I don't know if you are aware of this, but if you have tokophobia, and choose to get pregnant, you can work with antenatal counsellors and also arrange to have a c-section if the thought of vaginal labour terrifies you too much. HTH. And get some real friends!

FamiliesShareGerms · 07/08/2013 19:44

No, they are complete twats, OP. Their problem, not yours

Shrugged · 07/08/2013 19:56

Cut these vile people out.

There have certainly been posts about took phobia on the Mn Childbirth forum, if you would feel supported by knowing about other people's experiences.

I was abused as a child, and it contributed, along with being very overdue, to me giving birth by Caesarean. There is help available if you need it, if you decide you want children in future.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 07/08/2013 20:06

YANBU to be hurt by what they said.

However, they're clearly a bunch of complete arseholes, so I'm glad you have defriended them and wont be going back.

They're wrong you know
x

parakeet · 07/08/2013 20:12

How vile. Don't go back there.

I realise this is perhaps not the main issue for you, but if you are worried about the tokophobia, please don't be. An awful lot of women choose to give birth by elective C-section these days, for a wide variety of reasons, and it's fine.

Didactylos · 07/08/2013 20:23

'Today I was called a pathetic misandrist with a horrible father who had messed me up and left me too 'damaged' for any other man. Then I was called a 'psychiatric' case for having tokophobia and being too stupid to understand that this is what I am meant and 'designed' to do'

these are the words of some supreme shitbag, some basement dwelling MRA whos taken your well thought out and honest discussion of your life to mean that you are vulnerable and gone for the kill - probably a cringing insecure loser making themselves feel better at your expense, a keyboard warrior whos hiding behind their anonymity to be vicious . Note also the biological essentialism (what you are designed and meant to do) and the assumption that you are somehow wrong if you dont desire a man or regard them as the centre of your world

You sound a nice person with a good sense of yourself and the intelligence and insight to work through your issues. Why not post here instead?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 07/08/2013 20:30

My eyes are designed to see. Except without my glasses / contact lenses on I walk into walls.

A friend of mine's breasts were designed to feed her (much wanted) children. Instead a cell in them mutated, gave her cancer and left her infertile.

My dd's immune system is supposed to protect her from illness. It does but it also overreacts so much her skin is covered in bright red blotches (eczema).

We don't always do what we are designed to!

McNewPants2013 · 07/08/2013 20:41

I think you are very brave.

For opening it up the first time and then for opening up again on this thread.

Mia4 · 07/08/2013 22:58

YWNBU or oversensitive OP, you were just unlucky enough to meet a bunch of twats who like to upset and hurt others. I'm sorry you opened up to them and then had it thrown back in your face- i also feel sorry for anyone else who'll unknowingly wander into that group to share and be verbal abused and jeered at.

If we all did what we were designed to do, i don't know what we'd be doing. Evolution didn't come with an instruction manual or how to guide, neither does any individual. The last comment strikes me as very misogynistic and most people who consider themselves anti-feminists* tend to be that way.

*As in rabid to the extreme, women hating, excusing prats rather then those who just don't use or label with the term 'feminist'

timidviper · 07/08/2013 23:07

Don't go back there OP. Nobody should be treated as they have treated you.

You have had a tough time and should be supported, not ridiculed. They are disgusting.

pigletmania · 07/08/2013 23:24

Op adding support for you. Those people are scum, are these people you know in real life. Don't have anything to do with them!

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