cacamilis, I think this is a private message but I'm newish to MN so not sure, hope so. Your mother sounds the twin of mine (she died 16 years ago). I'm not far off 72 and I STILL have nightmares about my childhood, teenage years and yes, how she later acted when I had kids of my own. My kids (now in their 40s) couldn't stand her and I don't blame them. After these awful dreams about her, I wake up weeping and feeling totally low for most of the day.
I know I should be 'over it' but I still, even in my old age, feel terribly bitter and angry at her, and towards my father, for letting her get away with it. But she and he were both depressives, miserable as sin throughout their marriage and I suppose she especially took it out on us kids, especially me, being the oldest.
Not much comfort to you, I know, but you sound a load stronger and more aware than I ever was and I beg you, DON'T let her loom over your life to the detriment of your and your family's happiness. She sounds, to be honest, a totally nasty piece of work. My mother spent the last years of her life in a very good residential nursing home, where she delighted in making trouble for the saintly staff, trying to get people sacked etc. As a result, I cut off contact with her for over a year, though I continued to make sure she had every comfort, money, presents, anything she wanted. I did resume visits a year or so before she died and she, sort of, apologised in a vague way for 'things I did' (her words). Bit late, but there you go!
Wishing you SO much well, cacamilis. And if you did decide to cut your mother out of your life, there's pretty well no-one would blame you.