to be upset on the due date of a baby I miscarried 6 months ago

[queenmools]

I miscarried earlier this year at 11 weeks. We have been ttc but with no joy yet. Yesterday was my due date and I got my period too. I got really teary in the evening and really just wanted a hug and a good sob. My husband said it was a silly thing to be upset about as it was in the past, wecan't change it and we have done our grieving. This made me feel worse as I felt dismissed and not cared about. When I challenged him he said he was trying to cheer me up. I normally look on the brightside as we have one lovely child. I just wanted to ask if it was a silly thing to be sad about.

Not at all silly. I was very conscious of the due date approaching of my miscarried pregnancy, and was very lucky to be pregnant again which helped enormously, but still had a difficult day.

Of course it's not. It sounds to me like your partner didn't want to talk about it, maybe because it upsets him too and ignorance is his way of dealing with it? My DP gets quite upset if negative subjects from the past are brought up. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't discuss it though, and there's no set time you're allowed to grieve for.

You have a good cry if that's what you need. Is there anyone you could talk to in RL that knows what happened?

Some very unmunsnetty hugs to you

No, you are not at all being silly or unreasonable. There's no time limit on grief. I get upset on the anniversary of my miscarriage, and my fiance doesn't understand why. He doesn't grieve like I do.

I'm so sorry for your loss

I don't think that's silly at all - its very common to feel sad every year on the due date. There's a lot of useful information and advice on the miscarriage association website, and there are always people here (especially on the miscarriage/pregnancy loss site) who know what you're going through and can provide support.

Never feel silly for grieving - your baby died, and it's totally normal and understandable to grieve, and for that grief to be more intense sometimes than at other times.

Am sorry for your loss.

Not silly at all. You must have imagined this time when you were pregnant, and it's normal to feel very sad that it's not the way you pictured it. I'm so sorry .

I'm so sorry for your loss. Of course you are not being silly, there's no time by which you have to have 'got over' a loss. Perhaps your DH was struggling himself and found it difficult to talk about, a lot of men seem to take the head in the sand approach when it comes to difficult or emotional subjects.

I hope you have family or friends you can talk to for comfort. Hugs from me

If that reaction is silly, then you could also say that me still feeling sad on certain dates (birthday and anniversary of death) about my mum is silly too, because her death is now in the past.

This baby was a member of your family, albeit a very small one. Perhaps consider a different shoulder to cry on for this one.

I will also attest to the masculine "if I don't think about it, it won't make me sad" method of "dealing" with things. My DH does it, and although it might work for him it DEFINITELY doesn't work for me.

YANBU. Sorry for your loss. My DH was the same. The anniversaries are hard. My cousin had her baby on the due date of the one I lost. Very hard to deal with. I then ended up with a due date that coincided with the anniversary if my erpc! Honestly, things get better.

I am so sorry for your loss. I miscarried almost 5 years ago, have had two wonderful healthy children since and I still feel a bit low on his birthday.

Oh OP I am so sorry for your loss. YANBU at all - in fact you sound like you are coping very well. I felt very sad on the anniversary of my due dates for several years and for the first one I was an absolute mess and worked from home that day as I couldn't face anyone.

There is no set timescale for grief and everyone experiences it in different ways. I know my dh felt very differently about my mcs than I did - I guess it was just less real to him. I'm sure your husband meant well but I hope he comes to realise that his words were rather insensitive.

The way you are feeling is totally normal. Hope you feel a little brighter soon. Big hugs.

bonzo is right btw it does get better. Good luck with the ttc.

Thanks everyone. I think sometimes my husband just panics and thinks oh my God she is sad, I need to makeher not sad. He doesn't understand that allowing me to have a good old cry would be the best option.

YANBU and, neither, necessarily, is your DH, as men grieve differently.

Still think of the little one we lost nearly 18 months ago now.

Got a 9month old DD now who is amazing - her due date was the same as the baby we miscarried. Always see that as a sign.

You don't forget, you just get better at dealing with it.

Not silly at all. I remember the Mother's Day after my MC- I was inconsolable all day.

Happily I was pregnant with DD when the due date came round, but I was still sad.

I know this is a massive over generalisation, but I often find that men aren't very good at just listening and talking - they think that in order to help, they need to fix things/come up with solutions (and that when they do come up with 'solutions' there are, by definition, helping).

It's not a silly thing to be sad about at all.

I hope you feel better soon and I'm sorry for your loss

Of course not my love. Sending you a hug and my best wishes to get through this emotional time.
FWIW my dh would have said similar and he is the most caring person I know, sometimes they try to apply logic instead of empathy.
Next year it will be easier and in 20 years you will remember it as a very distant memory. For now though you feel the way you do for good reason.

I think your dh was quite cruel to you. He basically said you're not allowed to feel differently to him. "We've done our grieving" is a very odd thing to say. Could you explain to him that all you need is a cuddle and some kindness? He may feel something different but that doesn't mean it's ok to dismiss you.

Not weird at all, in fact I would say its perfectly normal!

Men can be funny though and don't always understand that a good cry and cuddle is exactly what you need to be able to move on. He may be feeling a bit sad as well but trying to hold it in.

I'm sorry for your loss, and good luck on the TTC side of things. We're TTC and its bloody frustrating!

YANBU at all. Promise with all my heart it will get easier to cope with but you will never forget. Some dates will always do this and I say this nearly two and half years later. I have spoken to others decades after their losses and they say the same. It's OK to cry and sometimes you just have to.

It was rather unkind of your husband to say those things, but in my experience the fathers feel differently about miscarriage (not having the hormone response or the physical reaction, for a start).

It's totally normal to feel sensitive about special dates like due dates or anniversaries. Usually nobody else will even realise that it's a special date, which sort of makes things worse.

Be kind to yourself

Not at all. If it helps I lost a little boy 23 years ago and still cry on his birth date and due date. Huge hugs. It doesn't ever go away darling but it does get easier x

(((hugs)))

Another who has been there, telling you it will get easier.
there will be difficult anniversaries etc, the first hurdle is always the worst.
something might suddenly hit you and make you sad, but the pain will not be as strong and you will get over it more easily, as time passes.

good luck with the ttc

Not silly at all, very natural to be upset on the anniversary especially the first one!

My husband doesn't get it either and as with other posters he is a very kind and caring man...just crap at showing it

Take care of yourself