My bloody mother!!!! <again>

[LEMisdisappointed]

She is driving me nuts and i just don't know what to do to help.

She has the long running, what can only be described as obsession that her sister (who lives in australia) has damaged her property. I have posted about it lots im sure. Anyway, the latest thing is her cooker - her BRAND NEW 30 years old cooker, that is irreplacable apparently . Firstly she said that she had put chewing gum on the halogen hob and had basically spent entire nights (im not joking) scouring it off, thus destroying the hob - but this is only because her sister had covered it in acid never mind all the shit my mother has put on it to CLEAN it. It has now expanded to the inside of the BRAND NEW cooker that the woman has painted with acid - to what ends? maybe she was trying to poison her?? All this will have been done about 7 years ago, when she stole my mums photos (actually, she did do this and this is how it all started), pegs, duvet covers - if not stolen, swapped for lesser quality items for the charity shop, damaged her bedroom suit, which my mother has subsequently destroyed by scrubbing with bleach, rubbing with chisels etc because it had a few fade marks on it - its a fecking antique!

It has been a nightmare and gone on for years - most of the time I try to humour her as disagreeing with her just results in her a) not talking to me (now don't get me wrong, this would be a blessing) and i have to worry about her physical health and im an only child. b) causing scenes at my house etc and quite frankly my own mental health isn't up to it.

Her latest thing is that she is going to get the money together to go to australia and hope that the very sight of her standing there will cause her sister to have a heart attack and if that doesn't work, she will jump on her head I know it just sounds like a weird sort of comedy doesn't it, but she is deadly serious.

That is where my question is - she is 76 and in bad health (her sister is 85). Would that prevent her from flying? She reckons she will go one day, come back the next. I don't believe for one minute she would be allowed into australia on that basis, but what i AM worried that a flight company would still take her money.

No point in going to doctor, my mum wont have any of it, and wouldnt take ADs if she was dying.

LEM older people can become delusional as a result of infections, usually urinary iiuc. On top of a pre-existing conditions, who knows what this may manifest as.

I think you need to talk to her GP, as she certainly sounds like she needs an assessment. If it results in SS, do not scruple to make the most of your own health condition to insist that you cannot do their job for them provide the level of care needed.

She sounds like she is suffering with dementia. My father had it got years and his paranoia and behaviour deteriorated so badly that he actually bolted everything he owned to the floor. Your mum sounds like she needs some sort of intervention. Sorry you are having to go through this OP. xxx

My fathers irrational and erratic behaviour started in his 30's. I would say like you it started as depression but it got worse with every passing year. By the time he was put into care he was in his late 60's and had ruined everything good in his life. It can start early like that and your description of it getting more 'pronounced' us exactly how it happens. Get her assessed. Even if you are right and it's a form of depression she still sounds like she needs some sort of medication.

Hi LEM
I'm an older people's psychiatrist and I'm sure she needs to see someone like me!
These are very bizarre ideas and she is acting on the ideas eg by cleaning the oven non-stop. When people get very fixated on these delusional ideas they do sometimes do risky, impulsive things like trying to get a flight to Aus.
You say that you have to help her with money and cashcard etc so perhaps her abilities have declined and there is a degree of cognitive impairment or early dementia.
There is also a separate condition which is a kind of late onset schizophrenia which could cause these symptoms. Just from what you've said I doubt that depression would account for all of it. Although I should emphasise that no-one can really diagnose stuff on the Internet!
You should certainly tell the GP about your concerns at least to have it on record if nothing else. She might allow blood tests or a brain scan and the GP can refer to old age psych. We are quite used to people who don't want to see us and can be gently persistent. You could ask that the GP doesn't disclose it was you who raised concerns if you are worried about her reaction.
If she really won't have it maybe nothing can be done. If there are real risks to a person we are sometimes able to act against their will under the mental health act or mental capacity act. I doubt it would come to that but there are ways of stopping her getting on a plane if it was really needed.

Hi Silvery :) If she is suffering from and infection shes had it a long time In all seriousness though i am gong to go to the doctor tomorrow and see what she suggests, specifically with regards stopping her from buying tickets to australia.

At the very least, LEM - does she have a current passport and if so, can you find and confiscate it? It wouldn't stop a purchase but having no passport should stop the actual travel.

mama - the cashcard/money thing is mostly because she doesn't have good vision and refuses to have the cataract operation because mrs x got laser treatment on the nhs so why shouldnt she have it (even though its a completely diferent procedure and she is not suitable for laser!).

She has recently had an MRI as she he has a tumour on the pituitary, this is benign though and has been there some 50 odd years and luckily not changed in size (much).

that's why I said on top of a pre-existing condition...:)

i had forgotten this one - the other week i went round there and there was a big pile of stones on the path, these were apparently put in my mums garden by her sister as she didn't like to have stones in her own garden or garden of the house she ws staying in at the time - It goes on and on, but its getting worse and i can't help but wonder about the schizophrenia thing mama as I had a friend who was schizophrenic and had the same sort of weirdness about her :(

I don't feel (but who am i to say) that its dementia because my father had this and she is nothing like he was.I know it manifests differently in different people depending on the extent, cause and part of the brain that is affected. I actually don't think i could cope if it turned out to be that :(

A recent brain scan will be really helpful. they can look if there is any vascular damage eg tiny strokes that can cause these kind of symptoms.

She may not have dementia but the ideas you describe are paranoid delusions which can be associated with dementia or occur separately.
There are medications that can help and also just having a diagnosis and being in touch with specialist services can be really reassuring for you and for her.

You might be surprised that she may agree to have some help. Often people are just keen to have someone listen to their ideas and take them seriously and I might suggest that they have something 'to help with the worry this must be causing you'.

Steroids can actually cause or worsen psychosis so that might be another contributory factor.

You are doing entirely the right thing in trying to get some help for her even if she may never thank you for it.

Thanks mama, i know its the right thing to do but i just feel so shit. What gets me is she is so "lucid" in her delusions, I haven't been brave enough to call her on it, i have to agree with her that her sister is an evil person who was jealous of her and this makes me sad because her sister is an overbearing pain in the arse but im actually very fond of her :( I wonder what would happen if i said to her "ffs, listen to what you are saying, can you not see how insane it sounds". but i never would because she would go mad!

She will not agree to "help" though, i know that :( Ironically she did say that she was going to go to the doctors and ask her to write a letter to her sister saying not to call her again as she is making her ill. Like an idiot i played it down - i should have told her to go and do just that, then it would have given the doctor some angle to introduce it

I read your post earlier today and then didn't post a reply. I have a similary awful dm. The problem is they are not yet ready for someone else to take over their affairs. Yes her sister is a lifelong PITA. But it's how you react to it that makes you appear sane.

A few years ago my siblings and I decided to detach and stop worrying. There is nothing we can do to control our dm. We will just wait for it to happen and then we will pick up the pieces.

This has meant my DM has foolishly squandered thousands of pounds and alienated most of her extended family.

But we sleep well in our beds because we've stopped worrying.

There is a limit to what you can do to save her. But what you can do is be there when it happens.

LEM, I just wanted to say that my mother (in her 80s now) went through a period of similar delusional thinking. It turned out to be related to medications she was on (for her RA) and when those were changed, she went back to (her) 'normal' - slightly forgetful but essentially lucid - self. So might be something medical but 'reversible'.

That is your way in LEM! try telling her you have thought about it and you do think she should get a letter from her gp after all. And here, let me make that appt for you mum .

After a briefing from you (and you can ask for yor name to be kept out of it) the gp can try to persuade her to get some bloods done under the guise of it being a health check, or monitoring her medical condition.

If you call her on it it will make no difference. A delusional idea is by definition not amenable to reason. She will just get cross. OTOH it's not ideal to actually agree with it as then you reinforce it and she can say ,'well LEM thinks so too.' The best idea is to try to distract away from the whole topic. Make some non-committal response and then try to change the subject.

Phoned for an appointment - her doctor is away for two weeks hmmmphh, a doctor, having a holiday?? How very dare she!! My DP thinks i shouldn't do it anyway, thinks it will cause all sorts of trouble but its not the point, shes not well and it can't continue. Saying that i have to say i was half relieved when the doctor wasn't there as i feel like a shit :(

I hope you made an appointment nonetheless? (For after the two weeks, to discuss your mother.) You have to make one for yourself sooner, don't you?

cozie - the receptionist wouldn't make the appointment as its two weeks away and can only pre-book two weeks in advance But yes, i do have to see a doctor for more meds myself before then. I will wait until our own doctor comes back to discuss it. Obviously if there is a drastic change in the meantime i will see another doctor.

Well done, LEM. Hope you feel a bit better yourself in due course - all this can't be helping.

You say you will feel bad by asking the dr for an assessment but how much worse will you feel if it is something that can be treated. Dementia affects different people in different ways. It is cruel not to get help for your Mum. If it was an illness you could see like shingles or heart attack; or a broken are you would get help. This is no different.

We had a good day today, i called her and asked her to come out with me and DD and she came! miracle - no mention of ovengate either (phew). The reason for her improvement of mood is because someone had asked her to do something for them i think. I don't kid myself that this will be an improvement, just a good day.

LEM you should read this article concerning Addisons disease and comorbidity with psychiatric conditions. I think a lot of it applies to your mum and you should get professional help for her.

OP, just because she has always been 'difficult' like this, doesn't mean she doesn't also now have a MH problem,be it age-related or not. It could also be that she has always had MH issues that have managed to make her look 'odd' within the realms of unpleasant but acceptable eccentricity, and of course that everyone who knows her has just accepted that 'this is just how she is', which is turning a blind eye to her problems. And dementia, like all MH conditions, is unique to each individual,and, until it is severe, doesn't mean that the person will be consistently troubled.

If she genuinely believes that someone who lives on another continent is messing with her cooker, or placing stones on her drive, etc., then she is clearly mentally ill, regardless of how and why. I know you don't want to face up to her having serious problems because of your exoerience with your father's dementia, but you are really doing your mother, and all of you, a real disservice to try to excuse this away. It is really alarming and scary to read what she believes, and perhaps because you've lived with her being a difficult woman all or most of your life, you might not fully comprehend how bad it sounds.

pointy, thanks so much for that reference, its really interesting. I am going to print it out and show it to her doctor. She has had several addisonian crises in the past and she will be totally delerious, etc, I can usually tell when she is going to have this and fortunately she now knows how to recognise the symptoms and double up on her meds so recently in terms of these she has been better. This i don't think is what is happening now, however it does make sense for the more chronic disturbances to be taking place and I honestly think this is the root of it. Like i say, its been going on for years - worse now, i think because she has so much time on her hands etc . She is of course under an endocrinologist (who i have to say is the most arrogant shit i have ever met and never bloody adresses my questions) and is due to see him again in November, the problem is that last time she saw him she wouldn't let me go with her, also i was working anyway, hopefully she will allow me to go with her next time. She certainly does go totally fruit loop when she has one of these - one time she told the ambulance driver she wanted to have sex with him.

I am certainly not excusing her behaviour, but she does have a complex medical condition which i am sure goes some way to explaining a lot of it and having lived with it all my life i suppose you are right, its easy for it to seem normal. I know that it isn't, i am willing to bet money that this is a complication of her addison's syndrome and hopefully they can help her with some further medication.

I will wait until her GP comes back from holiday though as her medical history is clearly important here so its best i think to talk with someone aware of the history. Although she is pretty open about it being in the realms of the specialist really.